Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

40

Taehyung's POV

The tour started shortly after finishing with all the promotions, I only attended the events, the rest of the time I was in my apartment waiting for Jin to bring food or play some random thing with me on my console. He was really doing his best not to leave me alone or talk about topics that were beyond the trivial, and I appreciated him for remembering how dangerous thoughts could be.

At the end of all the promotions and press conferences we had to take our first plane for the dates of the Muster that would take place. We arrived on time and were able to rehearse well, as the weather was in our favor.

We were all excited to be back and decided to take a day together to eat out and walk around old places; as if nothing had ever happened, even Jimin now lost sight of me easily and was completely tied to doctor Cho. He had accompanied us along with the psychologist they hired for me and Jimin. It was individual and couple therapy. The first session was Jimin's, and I'm looking forward to mine. We have not had any together yet, the doctor considers that it is still very early but that the prognosis looks good. Hoseok was very happy for us and keeps bringing us things to cheer us up, like a good friend.

I sleep alone in my locked room, as does everyone else except Yoongi Hyung and Jin, who for whatever reason have decided to sleep together as usual.

Even if I can't see him, I chat with Namjoon every night before sleeping, take pictures for him for pleasure, and he also shows me his room. Most of the time I fall asleep before the conversation is over, but I don't have nightmares; in my dreams I can only see him and his voice telling me that everything is fine, that gives me strength for the next day.

Today we would have our first concert, and everything is going as well as we expected. I'm glad to be able to see our fans when I'm having such a hard time, it reminds me that maybe not everything is bad. I try to be as honest as possible so as not to disappoint them with my performance.

Dancing is no longer complicated at all and, luckily, I have the most energy to be able to do everything we have to do for them. I have the time of my life with my members, remembering what it is really what I love about being a singer and their friend; still, things can't go back to normal that much.

Namjoon hangs out with me during the songs, and even though he tries to hide it, I find it cute how he reaches to hug me and keep me close the whole time. One night I asked him about it and he only knew how to answer me saying that he seriously wanted to be able to sleep with me, I just laughed and let it go but with the passage of my thoughts and time a strange terror enters me. I can't stop thinking about how much he's tried to get close to me, how good he makes me feel, and I wonder if it should be time to let him come with me completely. I wonder if it's wise to think about it now... I guess after the therapy session everything will be clearer but still, I don't think my relationship with Jimin is really an impediment to do something with Joon.

I like to think that it is only my head that conditions me to believe that because of my love for Jimin I cannot continue giving or preaching feelings to people; but I know that this is not the same, and that as much as I still feel vulnerable for Jimin, it's been a long time since I've forgiven Namjoon. I feel like I'm part of him again, the problem is that I feel bad for thinking about it when I'm causing pain to someone else.

And it is that, it does not seem that Jimin feels disturbed by my decisions. In fact, it seems that he hardly notices me: with the doctor with him all the time (so close that they seem much more than non-explicit friends), I feel that I can confirm that he is finding where he really belongs, and that's fine. But it's me who wants to put pressure on how good Namjoon is to me. I feel like if I don't give him what he wants he might push me aside like he already has, even if I don't want to think that way its confusing with him coming up with that need in almost every conversation we have, not because its uncomfortable or anything but, why if I'm not ready?