Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

41.5

Taehyung's POV

"I don't want this to be awkward." I say, with my throat still too dry to let itself do more that just mumble useless feelings that don't seem to want to materialize, even if its in my favor. I turn my head away from the man in front of me, thinking how stupid he is thinking I am.

"Why would it be? We're just talking."

There is it again, the act of trying to pretend were just two friends letting our problems go that everything is normal. I would buy it, maybe if we weren't in my hotel room, first hour in the morning trying to alleviate this so I can continue with my day. I wish Namjoon would have stayed, but I know this is something I have o deal with on my own.

"I don't find anything to talk to you about." I admit, he crunches his nose and fixes his posture.

"Taehyung-ah, you know I can force you to do anything, being here is your choice." I don't speak. I don't dare to, but he continues. "You told me, before that gentleman left that you wanted to fix this."

I remember my words painfully. I woke up hugging Namjoon. We didn't do anything last night, we were both to tired to do so and I purposely didn't remind him on that, or maybe I didn't have to because there was no intention underneath his humble smile or nice touch of my waist as we both drifted to sleep. I thought that way was a little bit better.

"I just, don't think is that important..."

"Why?" he hurries to ask, I gulp.

"We were just together and then no more, that's something everyone goes through, not necessarily something that important...I was just exaggerating, to be honest." I laugh at myself after stating that las sentence, the man stares at me alienated.

"Then, tell me about this normal relationship, would you?"

"What would you like to know?"

"I don't know, maybe you could start from the beginning."

"The beginning is more about others than me..." I start and hurry to continue before he asks another thing "Jimin is my friend, and he wanted to help me understand who I am, but it was useless...what I am it's just pathetic."

"In what sense?"

"In every sense..." I wait for him to ask something but as he doesn't, I feel free to continue "I can't do things on my own, or be as good as others; people love me but I feel that they really don't love me but a prettier version of me...every time I have been with someone they always tell me how handsome I am but that's it, 'cause there is no other thing interesting about Kim Taehyung. Nothing worth to do anything with it, noting worth of being loved by anyone that doesn't treat me as I am." My voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, I feel my fingers glitch.

"A pathetic human being?" The doctor dares to finish my long speech, I look at him in the eyes without moving, neither to agree, nor to disagree. He writes some things down in the paper he has on hand, I wonder what all those random movements mean. Am I crazy? Am I dull? Am I wrong? There is no answer and maybe there is not supposed to be one in the first place. "Can you define for me what is being pathetic?"

I look at him as if he was crazy, I wonder if this is serious, he is the professional and he doesn't know what it is?

Perhaps we should continue

"Fragile, poorly by its own. Relying on others for the simplest things and wanting to make everyone happy, even when nobody cares."

"Is everyone pathetic?" He asks and I remain shut completely "Or better I say, can anyone be pathetic?" I lay back in my chair not having a clue of the reasoning behind all of his questions. I start to think that maybe this is not helping at all. The doctor seems to notice and so he moves further away from me.

"I just want to get rid of this." I spit. I cover my face, wanting to disappear. I want a disaster, I want the fog to carry me far away from here, where I can no longer be found.

"Being pathetic?" He asks and I nod, as a scared child. I need someone I can hug but there's no one, and I have to accept that it'll never be, no matter what I do, I'm the only one I can hug, but still why does it feel so cold?

"Is it because I'm not good enough?" I ask, glancing at the doctor "Because it's so easy to dispose me, even so that I, as myself, can't do anything to prevent it...maybe its fate for leaving my family, for leaving my grandma and everything I believed in just so I could come here and try to figure out nothing at all," I tilt my head with a smile on my face "tell me, is there something someone as stupid as me can do to really make everyone happy?"

"You can't make people stay, Taehyung. Nor can you make them leave; because they're not you." He leaves his notebook aside and returns to my eyes, consoling my longing soul "The only one who can decide whether to stay or to leave is you, and that's the true cruelty of this world: the fact that we are the ones who decide."

"Then I suck at it..." I comment, no longer laughing "choosing to trust Jimin, Namjoon...choosing to believe everyone around me could do me no harm; that after years of knowing each other those things couldn't happen."

"All of that are things that you couldn't control." He says "That's exactly the point. You choose the way to live your life but not other's."

"Then how I am supposed to be happy?"

"You really can't," I'm about to cry when he adds "not if you rely yourself on others...you have to have your own back: in your choices, trusting yourself above everything and being open to seek help when needed without letting yourself go completely."

He takes a moment to let me think before he grabs his notebook again to write stuff, I relax my body and breathe calmly. All this information is escalating me, hitting me hard as I bite my lip, thinking about everything I've said out loud. Some fresh air seems to cross my face, I look up to find the man in front of me, feeling glad that he's a complete stranger. I play nervously with my fingers, gulping before making my question.

"Then I'll be happy?"

He looks up from his notes to my face, only to gift me a nice smile.

"I don't know; but we can discover it together, don't you think?"

"Right."

𝘞𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴, 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴; 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨...

𝘞𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘸𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴.

𝘚𝘰, 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳, 𝘸𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵...

𝘞𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦.

-ᴄʟᴀʏ