Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

12

Namjoon's POV

I know that most of the people around me perceive me in a special way, thinking that I am very smart and accurate in everything I do; even for moments it seems that the world forgets my human quality. I don't blame them, I do too: I mean, how human can I be with my life? It is so wrong the possibility of getting to where I am that many things are closed in front of me. 

My problem with Taehyung happened for exactly that reason. I guess I wanted him from the moment I saw him somehow, however there were a lot of things with higher priorities: my dreams, myself, debuting, just to name a few.

That didn't stop me from developing my relationship with him...it's just that he was so innocent, so small and full of fears that he made me see myself. Because all the people think special of me because I made them do it; Deep down I'm just like Taehyung: just a scared kid who needs a home.

But how could I tell him that I loved him when even I wasn't sure? That's not to mention that I felt like he perceived me as an older brother despite his breathing on my chest at night...or the twinkle in his eyes when he brushed against any of his pronunciations and dreams.

"I think you're not being very sensible."  Jin says while he's crossing his arms on the sofa in my study. I look at him trembling. 

"He's the only thing I can think of at a time like this..." I reply, mumbling.

"If so, then you haven't matured at all," he clicked his tongue, "you're only thinking of yourself."

"Is not true!" I get excited, tied to the chair "I'm thinking about him, why he should be with Jimin, why he loves him and-"

"Why doesn't he love you?" He says and I nod my head "You are ignoring everything... for you the important thing is that he is with you, that he depends on you, do you think you are the only thing in his life? You should think better of it, especially after what you did to him..." 

"That's exactly it, I don't know what I did."

"That you what?" He sighed incredulously. "You better be joking." I move my bare feet without stopping. I can't pretend I don't know, of course I do.

"I mean, I don't know how I could have hurt him." 

"Let's review the facts:" Jin starts and I understand that this was going to be a long sermon "you were together in a special relationship for years, you love each other, then you argue with him and leave for a week, come back and try to kiss him, then a strange woman arrives and you fuck her in your room with Taehyung in the house..." My mind gets cloudy wanting to deny all the misunderstandings "tell me, how do you fix something like that?"

"You know that things were not like that." 

"Maybe, but not Taehyung. He believes that."

"Then, you tell me... what do I do?" 

"Well, now you have a chance, it doesn't seem to be too late to apologize."

"You know very well that they are already together-"

"Oh what a fool you are," he gets up and hits me on the head, I complain "you know Tae too well to say something like that, or do you think he looks in love?" I go over it in my mind with his insecure look, without that tilt of his lips towards me and for a moment I have hope, then I remember. 

"They sleep together."

"Sleeping and having sex are two different things." 

"But they are sides of the same coin; sleep or fuck is the same for me..."