Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

14

Namjoon's POV

I couldn't take my eyes off his lips; they were pronouncing the lyrics over and over, peeling them apart just to find a rhythm. I long for him to find something to say, to articulate between my feelings displayed before his trial that gives me encouragement because if there is something I believe in, it's that Taehyung hasn't changed. I think that's why he can recognize me in the madness of my imposition.

It may not seem sensible but neither is my wish that it be only mine again.

"You changed the rhythm." He says and my eyes lose some brightness as he takes a pencil and begins to cross out, circle and point out the carving of my feelings towards him as what it really is: a piece of paper.

"A little but..." I speak with the non-existent in front of me and I begin to help myself in trying to be strong, but each breath is a corrosion. "...I thought it was necessary to include everything."

He leans back before looking at the piano and moving closer. I watch him crack his knuckles before he starts playing the original tune, I watch him move his lips as he reads the sheet in front of him and perfects the edges of the ode to this moment when it seems like we're just two strangers.

"Our moon..." is the only thing he utters at the end of his performance and once again takes the paper to cross out more things.

"Is there a problem?" I staggered when forming my sentence, somewhat exaggerated with the simple affirmative movement that I received as an answer. 

"It seems a little more elaborate than I wanted." He turns and looks at me without expression, "It doesn't fit with the rest of the songs." I don't ask for an explanation but it still unfolds. "The mixtape is somewhat more condensed, more minimalist; in lyrics and feeling. I wanted it to be something less direct." 

"It doesn't seem so direct to me," I admit. "but rather a confession, a genuine repentance." 

"Is too long." His eyes on mine without fear completely baffles me.

"Because he's honest." 

"That does not justify it: the fact that it is long does not mean that it has more impact." 

"It doesn't seem that way to me." I face and straighten in my place to try to maintain my dominance over his that reveals his face as a hidden part of him that he had never seen. "The fact that he is honest and that he exposes all the facts makes him stronger."

"I don't want to go over the facts." He almost shouts and I become small, he sighs before continuing "I already know them very well: that doesn't interest me, what matters to me is making them understand that not wanting to forgive is annoying and painful..."

"But then it fits perfect!" I shout about the pronunciation of him "Because it denotes that he really wants to understand that nothing has died and that no matter what has happened there is still something between us."

The reflection takes on body as the two of us see through the haze of memory. It is a ground that no one wants to violate so he wants to flee, but I will not let him. That's why I get up at the same time as him as soon as I see that he wants to head for the door. I grab his shoulders and block his path, he hits me in the chest.

"But that doesn't mean I do too!" Spit his words of fire in my face but I stand firm "Because if you had really done it you would never have hurt me in the first place!" He makes more force but I end up taking him by the forearms and moving him away with my strength until I stamp him with the wall. The breaths light up. I feel like breaking down in front of him. I can no longer stand the anxiety of confusion while little by little he moves away from me.

"Understand that I would never do anything to hurt you! I had no idea you would think that of me!" 

"Then you never should have! How the fuck can you say you love me after all?! What, do you care about me now that I no longer want to rot by your side!" He struggles more but I put my hand next to his leaning head and get closer to his face.

"Yes, yes, you're right! He is killing me that you don't want to be with me anymore!" He stops and looks me in the eye, I see his tears threatening to come out. This should not be like that. "And do you know why! Because I love you!" His face reddens and he closes his eyes.

"Stop saying that! You don't love me!"

"I don't?" I take him by the cheek and on an impulse I stamp him with my face in a kiss that, although it tries to be sweet, becomes forced by the fight he imposes on me. Almost like the wind to a rose I feel like I make its petals fall one by one in the form of drops that soak our faces, but I just can't stop. I do not want to.

In the end I give in and separate, he bursts into tears and already without energy he lets himself sob resting his head on my chest. I don't know what to say, I don't know whether to apologize or let him soak me too. Time slows down as all the resentment spreads from our faces in the form of contempt and melancholy.

"Stop doing this to me." His words are a weak thread that makes me squirm in place.

"I can't." I confess and I almost feel his weak smile between the folds of my shirt. 

"I'm the one who can't... go through that again..." I feel him in front of me as I regret the words I never said while he suffered, and yet he stayed by my side somehow. "I couldn't stand it... please..." I take him by the shoulders and Taehyung is startled, I separate him until I see his swollen lips and his eyes lost in the traces left by the mask of conformity, which has left my face defenseless before the bloom from inside me.

"I'm sorry. I know maybe it's too late but I never told you..." I look away but I return to him, surrounding him with my arms as I continue "...but you don't know how sorry I am."

In the end I hug him like I haven't done for a long time. He doesn't return it, doesn't say anything either. It is the creation of a truce between our souls, as I profess that I love him I think I feel an unsuspecting heartbeat. I feel like I haven't completely lost it yet.

I feel like a melody gets in the way of the hidden study tonight, in which I have held him in my arms again even for a moment, the night in which the hope that he will forgive me takes over my mind and heart. He gets closer and closer to me and I dare to breathe his hair, it's still fresh and soft.

"I should go now." Taehyung says and I separate at the moment, wanting him to stay but understanding why he doesn't want to. I nod and he pulls away, I keep holding him, sliding my right hand until he meets his left. He looks at me.

"Will you come back tomorrow?" He doesn't say anything and just rubs his thumb against my hand. He sighs and looks at me again.

"Rewrite the song."

He lets go of my hand and walks out of my study. Life returns to my body, because even though I know he will go with Jimin, just for tonight, he belongs to me.