Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

51

Taehyung's POV

Autumn is felt in each tendon of my hands, at the moment I'm opening the small glass door. My breath hitches as I accidentally tend to brush against some of the withered flowers that reside within. I'm not surprised by the conditions: my family is too sentimental to come often; The only one I can think of could come regularly, it's me, but it has been impossible. Inside, I have that regret.

Not that I could do anything anyway, but during these years, the thought that when this moment came I would have to come alone, encumbers me with a bulky and absorbing load of all kindness. I was so scared that I would have to face my Halmeoni, but now, amazingly, it's like my mind is blank as I look around the room where her body lies, immaculate as she always implied to be, and next to my Halbeoji; who to no one's surprise, has been already cleaned by, I suppose, was my brother.

The photographs of her are all of her, that would have bothered her: she always said of her death it was not to show narcissism by putting her face around her ashes. I also look at the flowers they have chosen to put on it. They are all roses and I bet that mother has chosen them without thinking; Inside I know I can't blame her, she and Halmeoni never really lived together.

Maybe that's why it's easier now to get everything out of her: with my family's permission to do what I please with the decorations they've designated for her; But first, I know that I must introduce myself.

"Halmeoni, hello. Nice to see you again." I show her favorite smile from when I was a child, the wide and square one that annoyed her so much for being too cute, something that conflicted her when she had to scold me "It's been a long time." I continue, the words flowing through my veins with insignificantly human impulse. "I've wanted to come for your birthday but couldn't, you know, TV wants me all the time;" I tease, and let out a laugh in response to what I imagine she would have said. "I'm sorry, but I was only able to make it to your anniversary. I'm really sorry!"

I bow ninety degrees and stand up smiling, trying not to let go of the bag full of things I'm holding. I wait a moment and imagine her questions, I answer them effusively.

"Ah, um...mother told me that she came to decorate your 'house'," I giggle, "she says that she has been incompetent and honestly, I agree." I wait a moment and suppress the burning in my nose looking inside the bag.

"I've brought everything I need, look," I start, and as I say things, I take it out briefly, "flowers, photos of her, father, my cousins and mine...some decorations and ribbons and of course, rags to clean yourself with;" I knelt on the ground and start to take everything out, as my tongue loosens with babbling, "if you saw how big they all are, you'd imagine that they all miss you so much, just like me. Even my new brother's baby, she might not know you but lord, she looks just like you"

I start carrying a rag and I get up to reach the space where she is, I look at her for a moment and stop smiling for a moment. A blast of cold, caused by the air conditioning, makes me think that coming so early was a good decision.

"With your permission," I say, and then carefully start removing the photos, not allowing myself to stop talking for fear of myself, "for as long as I can tell you that I'm fine. In fact, more than fine," I admit, and I smile again remembering the recent events "I owe it all to Namjoon, surely you remember...well, after a while here we have, we...become close," fear seizes me for a moment, but the thought of that man waiting for me at the entrance of the columbarium "we're dating now. I don't know what you really think about that, but just so you know: this is probably the happiest time of my life."

I finish removing the things and start shaking. "He asked me just like that; although it really had taken a while, but it's not his fault." Imagination lets me know what she would ask, and I answer. "No, it's not that he treated me bad or anything like that, there were just a lot of inconveniences... but now everything has turned out well for everyone," a silence, the question on the air "well Jin and Yoongi Hyung are fine, working as always, Jin is still wondering about your tteok recipe but don't worry, no one has given it to him; Jungkookie is huge, he's already bigger than me but he's still a kid; Hobby Hyung is fine too, he's still excited because he's starting to work more on his album; Namjoon," the pronunciation of the name makes it impossible for me not to feel a flutter "he works on comebacks but he wants to work more for himself, he also helped me because, you won't believe me, Halmeoni but, I'll finally release my own album!" I inadvertently let out an excited shout, cleaning the windows and arranging things, careful not to hit the urn lying at my feet "It's ready and, I have a song especially for you. It's coming out soon, I wish you could listen to it."

After everything is ready, I go downstairs to find the photos, clean them, and place them carefully.

"I'm also going to therapy now, and I really feel comfortable." My words are sincere, knowing that she could never judge me. "I didn't realize I needed it until Yoongi Hyung asked me, now everything is better. I think when I'm done taking it, I'll go back from time to time." I keep arranging to make sure that the photographs are looking at the glass, and then look for the lavender.

"Now we've had a comeback, but it won't last long because we have new promotions soon. We're all excited because, after this, we'll have a break...it's like you said, 'the job will end with you guys eventually', well, you'll be glad to know that you were right: now we all have to be apart, and I'll be the first to give my music to the world...I also have invitations and-" A mental interruption makes me stop and look at the urn, I smile to reply, "ARMY is fine. You know, better than no one, that they are always there for us... I am no longer afraid of them leaving, not as much as before because this is something I really want to do and they understand it, it's not like we're leaving forever and they know it: They appreciate what's there, even if they can't see it." I smile again, feeling the sparkle in my eyes as I remember all the supportive messages from years ago, the warmth returning to my chest. I hear an invisible request. "Sure, I'll be sure to tell them for you."

The following was a slight silence. I finished arranging the flowers and putting on some ribbons, taken from my cousins' dresses and from my Halmeoni's old trunks; until in the end, all that was left was to hold her. I placed her in the center, with her name and birthday visible. When I finished, I stared at her for a moment, before closing my eyes.

I know I can't cry. I know now that several minutes have passed since I have closed her eyes, and I have begun to feel her next to me.

I don't smile, but it's almost as if I did, when I feel her hands run through my hair and kiss me on the forehead, with the same love that I have received this time, with the same love that I know I deserve and that she emphasizes that I must make sure to receive.

I almost feel like I can touch her, before I open my eyes again and face her.

"All done. You look beautiful." I tell her, in soft words, and a weight compresses my chest.

She tells me not to worry, and the pain fades. I reach out my right hand to touch the glass and recharge my forehead one last time, before pulling away for one last response.

"Me too."

"Ready Tae?" Namjoon asks, seeing me at the door, obviously surprised at my big smile, "You're alright." He affirms and I nod. A small smile and head movement tells me to walk, but not before rearranging my coat and scarf.

We walk side by side, down the path to my home just in time for the sunrise.

"Your mother called, breakfast is waiting for us." He says.

"I told her not to wake up so early, God." I reply, annoyed by the love that has her doing all that stuff. "She would need that for the ritual tonight." I turn to see Namjoon, who just shrugs.

"I think it is cute." He admits and I smile "And I can't complain about having her meals."

"Sure." I ironically say, Joonie turns to me and takes the bag off from my hands, before getting close to me for a brief kiss on the cheek.

We smile and continue talking about random stuff all the way, while I can't help but to wish we could be holding hands.

𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴! 𝘐 𝘏𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘭𝘮𝘢𝘰