Nights in the Studio - Taejoon

49

Taehyung's POV

I look to my side, holding my eyes as instructed. In front of me, he is, with a half smile at being able to engaged with me again, even if it is only for an exercise in honesty.

The doctor told us that we should stay like this, looking into each other's eyes, thinking. I realized that something between us, particularly me, didn't feel the same; I'm supposed to be thinking about my grudges, all the times he touched me without my really consenting...the doctor told me to think about me so that's what I did. I tried hard not to remember the things he had told me about himself, I had no intention of justifying.

He was with you. He wanted to help you. It is their fault that everything has turned out this way.

I know, but that doesn't mean that everything has been completely erased: I can admit that he made me happy.

"Now please close your eyes." The doctor indicates, I obey without delay. "Concentrate on the dark and when you are ready, open your eyes. Jimin will start with the first thing he wants to say."

I comply, it's simple: darkness no longer terrifies me as before, because I know that I have more things than my tiger to protect me. I can't help but think about yesterday morning, how Namjoon held me the rest of the day, how he talked so happily with his glowing eyes, how during the last rehearsals he came over every once in a while to ruffle my hair... That reminds me that there is nothing about Jimin in my mind.

I decided to focus on myself for a while, that's what the doctor said, and I did. But now, we're together again, and I have to face what he must say to me.

I take a deep breath, when I open my eyes I see that Jimin was waiting for me. He came back to wait for me, that makes me hopeful.

"You can start." The doctor says, I rub my hands on my pants and focus on the contoured face of what I still consider my best friend. I watch him swallow hard, fix his thoughts, and then drop his tongue.

"Taehyung," he begins, melancholic, without much eagerness to get to the end; each of his actions thought of him so that it was easy to digest his intentions, "it's nice to see you."

I don't smile, but I do relax my face.

"Me too, Jimin-ah." Admitting it feels easy. "I missed you." I'm honest, even if the feeling comes off as crazy. Jimin notices and laughs, we think the same.

"I can't say I don't like that...and even though I did too, we shouldn't."

"Please omit speaking in 'would' and 'should'." The doctor reminds us, we don't stop looking at each other as we nod.

"I wanted to help you...I know I did- I hurt you. You don't love me." His statements make me breathless, his eyes sparkle.

"Did you think so?" I ask him.

"I'm not convinced, I just know that this is what's best for you. I care about that."

"This is both of our faults. I thought so too. Doing this from the beginning had no future, sorry for letting you believe in something." I say, not wanting to suppress my mind.

"You never wanted anything as a friend, I tried to force it." Saying those words seems to hurt him more than I've ever seen him be, he cringes "Even if I still don't believe the truth of that. I reckon I didn't hurt you."

"You have no right to think for me." I tell him, correcting what I thought. I recognize that behavior, the reason why forgiving Jimin was difficult: he can't see his mistake.

"I've tried, but I keep thinking that you'd be better off with me." He confesses, I don't flinch because I no longer have any doubts about the lie he wants to make me believe. "That's why I want you to know that I want to leave."

The news surprise me, but I don't let it show too much.

"I forgive you for what you regret, and I think it's not a good idea." I say, out of the corner of my eye I catch the doctor writing down some things. "You haven't finished thinking about this yet- well, it's too early." The corrections I made with my words make me feel a little unsure, but I tell myself it's okay to be nervous. It's okay to feel.

"Leaving doesn't mean I'll stop thinking about this," Jimin lowers his head for half a second before coming back to me, a rosy hue on his cheeks that exalts an unforgivable sadness, "it's just that...continuing to see you makes all of this impossible. I need to think about myself, overcome this."

"Being with someone can't do anything either," I tell him, not out of jealousy, but because I've witnessed how he and Dr. Cho have been closer lately, more intimate, and it concerns me knowing he's in the middle of this, "but it's just my opinion."

"Believe me, I won't be able to think of anyone without first stopping loving you." Jimin smiles, I give him a little silent admiration.

"This is not loving. I hope you realize that. And that I don't love you." I feel the need to remind him, even if he admitted that early in the conversation. something still tells me he's not being fully sincere with me.

"I do not deserve it." He caresses his hands and laughs, I look at him from head to toe for a moment: the trembling, the fear, the hope... all together in a person I never thought I would see leave.

"But I do." Those words that he had never believed, now make sense. For me, because I've shown myself that I don't need something like what I had with him, because I realize that I'm enough for someone to love me...it makes me want to try "While you're away, I'll also learn to be better, I won't be alone."

"He is not a solution to your lack of self-esteem, nor is it love." He said it implying that he loved me and that it hadn't been enough, and I agreed, only that this is no longer just about having someone by my side, or desire or revenge.

His frown is just a sample of how much he had left to understand and know about me, despite being together all this time.

"I know that." I smile at him for the first time. "That's why I plan to look for me with myself; he's just someone who helps me with my steps." I see him try to say something but I have the urge to give a little giggle to shut him up. "To be honest, I'm glad the person who turned out to be what I needed it's not you. You are not adequate for it."

Our gazes interpenetrate, the sound of the hands of the clock in this small hotel office, the look of the doctor that blends in with the decoration of the place. In the midst of the chaos, Jimin smiles back at me.

"I'll keep missing you," he tells me, and adds in a teary whisper that slides down his cheek, "my friend."

"I wish you luck, Jimin-ah. I hope you solve the problem" I told him, trying to end that exchange in a truce, where everything that had happened was only part of the way to break this behavior, even if he still didn't believe it was what is necessary for both. Hearing my words, Jimin smirks with a blank look, as if he remembered something.

"I'll solve my problem...thank you Tae." He doesn't wish me back, but he's fine. Once we have finished he is allowed to breathe.

Jimin turns to the doctor and silently asks for something, understanding, the doctor nods. I turn to the front to realize that Jimin has his hand outstretched, waiting for mine; I look at him, I hesitate for a moment but in the end I smile, taking his decision. Our hands together become safe in touch, so much so that at the end of shaking hands, we can both smile at each other as if it were the first time.

I am no longer scared, I know I have to trust myself, I trust I will find me, and we will do too.

I stare at his smiley eyes, I take his sweetness in as I calm myself by recognizing the Jimin he was and still is, underneath everything.

It will take time, but your friend is still there.

I know he will find the real him.