𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶 𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘄 ★ 𝗼𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗮 𝗿𝗼𝗱𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗼

Too 'big' for you TW: Ed

TW!! eating disorder

skip if that makes you uncomfy :)

written by a person who beat an eating disorder 

--<3--

You pinched your stomach as tears blurred your vision. You looked at yourself in the mirror, at your disappointing fatty stomach.

There's always more to lose. You can always lose more. You had to get skinner. You had to get skinnier or Olivia wouldn't love you, all the fans and paparazzi were saying it. And you'd come to believe it.

You felt disgusted with yourself, why did you eat those cheez its? They're so fatty you ugly whale. Do you know how many calories are in a single cheez-it

Of course you did. You knew everything about every food you ate, you'd memorized The nutrition facts from the back of every box, the amount of calories in a single cheez it, and yet you'd eaten multiple handfuls.

You felt the bile rising in your throat before you registered what was happening. You quickly doubled over the toilet and threw up the cheez-its you'd eaten twenty minutes ago. The world was dizzying as you stood up too fast. Besides those cheez-its you'd just thrown up, you hadn't eaten in two days.

Your girlfriend Olivia was your constant. She kept you steady, but your safety net disappeared when she went on tour. Today was the day she was coming home after six months away and you were over the moon, but that didn't change the hours leading up to her return.

You wasted away the hours before your girlfriends homecoming by hanging out on your phone and reading. When your girlfriend texted that she'd landed at LAX, about thirty minutes before she would be home you got into the shower. You blow dried your hair and put on enough makeup to hide the dark circles under your eyes. You observed yourself in the mirror. You could see the way your ribs showed slightly through your skin, and the dark hollows near your collarbone, but you still felt useless, fat. You had to fan your eyes with your hand to keep from smudging your makeup as you started to break down over the disappointment of a person in the mirror.

You had to get away, and so you did just that. You walked into you and Olivia's bedroom and pulled on a sleek red spaghetti strap dress that landed right above your knees. It was the dress you'd worn to the AMA's when you and Olivia finally announced that you were dating. But since then the dress has changed it's fit on your body. It was more baggy on your tummy and you smiled, your fasting was working. The bust part of the dress was looser but it was a small price to pay. Fun fact, when you're anorexic, your breast size goes down because you don't have enough weight on you to fill them out.

Just as you finished fluffing your hair, you heard the door to your house creak open and you ran down the stairs to greet your girlfriend. She was wearing her Taylor Swift cardigan with a tank top and high waisted jeans underneath. You barely gave her enough time to set her bags down before you jumped into her arms.

"Woah there" Olivia laughed as she pulled you into her

"Y/n?" She asked with a worried tone as she pulled you away from her, way too soon for your liking

"Yeah?" You asked

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just feel a lot skinnier" your girlfriend remarked with worried eyes

"I'm fine." You said, half to yourself, half to Olivia.

Olivia studied your face closely and noticed how your cheeks had gotten slimmer and lost their customary pink tint. That's when your girlfriend reached over and brushed her fingers along your stomach. She could feel your ribs through the thin fabric. Olivia used her other hand to sweep your hair away long enough to get a glimpse of the dark shadows of your collarbones.

She had to contain a small gasp as her eyes filled up with tears for you.

"Oh Babygirl, why haven't you been eating?" She asked as she lead you upstairs and sat down next to you on your bed.

"What are you talking about? I've been eating" you said in a defensive voice

"It doesn't count if you purge it all, Y/n"

You opened your mouth to respond but felt the tears coming so you closed your mouth.

"Oh baby, what happened?" Your girlfriend asked as she pulled you against her. It all came tumbling out as you started crying

"I just...I'm so fat. And I need to get skinnier or you won't love me. Remember when I posted that picture of me at the AMA's on Instagram? I hid the comments but basically all of them were calling me fat. If you looked at the media headlines you'd see that everyone's calling me "Olivia Rodrigo's FAT girlfriend" fat fat fat fat FAT. It makes me feel worthless. I never want to feel that way again, so I don't eat anymore. I have to get skinny. I'm so ugly. I'm a whale. I'm worthless." You ranted and Olivia couldn't hide the tears that spilled over from hearing you talk about yourself like that.

"You...you feel worthless? You are anything but worthless, y/n. You are beautiful. You are more than what the media thinks, they spin lies, I'm sorry they're being disrespectful and incredibly offensive. I'm gonna get on my fans for being that distasteful and rude. Because I'd rather have no fans then have fans who treat the woman I love so much like absolute dog shit" Olivia said angrily. "Now, baby you need to eat. I don't care if you have tummy rolls or stretch marks or scars, as long as you are healthy, what do you want for dinner, your wish is my command miss y/l/n" Olivia said adding a dramatic British accent at the end. You properly laughed for the first time in a while.