Sun and Moon

A Love Letter to December

December,

I will always remember the times that you have given me the hardest times. The memories wherein you frustrated me, made me cry, and shattered me will always be here in my heart. I will not go back to you just like how the song goes. I will not ever wish to come back to you.

I will always remember the times you went under my skin. But not only those you were under but also my clothes, my sheets, my black lace undies. You made me feel used. You made me feel unloved and unvalued. I was at that time when I thought I was only loved when I took off my bra, my mind, and my heart. Feeling insecure and lonely wasn't valid. It wasn't an option. I was gaslighted to the fullest by a narcissist who used my breasts to satisfy himself.

He couldn't do it by himself. Must I think that he needed me and it was for good? Was it quits? Was it even?

No.

It will never be good, quits, or even.

I'm so mad at you, but I guess it's just like how the saying goes that when you're happy, something bad will happen, only reversed. Because I was depressed, lonely, and hurt. But you have given me a reason to go back to you; I was happy.

It all had happened so fast, but I remember it all. 

How this friend took a week to truly confess. Binitin niya ako. But it felt so fucking good craving for more, waiting for something you don't know what really is, and I was an impatient person. Yet he made me like this.

I told my friends, this would only last a week because I just had so much times like those last year. I gave my all and naked truths, thinking that it's okay to be too good because when it doesn't work out, it won't be my fault. But it was so bad because I got exhausted.

For all I know, he would stay until this very moment at 9:03 PM February 6, 2022.

So thank you, December, for shattering me but making me whole again.