Crestfallen [Bakudeku]

Chapter 5

Warning! Suicidal thoughts and mentions of cutting, if uncomfortable, please skip this chapter.

Edit: When I started writing this chapter, I didn't expect it to be this detailed (I just wanted a vague explanation), so please skip if you get uncomfortable at any point.

3rd person's POV

After a particularly boring day, Katsuki plops down on the bed, his mind drifting off to random memories. Seeing that he was technically jobless at the moment, he had nothing to do.

Haru was at school, everyone else were at work, he was the only one home. Boring. He tried to keep himself occupied by cleaning or cooking but he could hardly manage to keep it up until half day.

Today was one of those days. He didn't like anything around him. Everything was irritating. The mirror? He looks ugly. His phone? Has photos and messages he doesn't want to read again in his entire life. His tshirt? The colour looks gross. Ugh!

Katsuki had recently been pretty pent up with work that he hardly had time for anything else. Today morning after a shower, he looked at the mirror and cried seeing how his scars looked ugly, scattered across his skin.

His well defined abs were slowly disappearing due to the lack of exercise. They were turning softer because all Katsuki did was sit at his desk and work on his laptop all day long.

Katsuki ran his fingers across his torso, cringing at how he looks. He clearly remembers what his ex girlfriend used to say.

Does he look that bad? Is he really irresponsible? He was such a fool to think that someone would truly love him.

Does he deserve Haru? No.. Haru deserves so much better, someone who could provide better for him.

Someone who is not as broken as Katsuki.

"Why did I have to look like this..?" Katsuki frowns at his reflection, his eyes slowly traveling to a particular draw in the cabinet, he unconsciously reaches his hand out for it before snapping out of his daze.

What was he just about to do..? He nearly reached out for his razor.. was he about to cut again?

He thought it stopped..

Katsuki immediately moves away from the cabinet and leaves the bathroom, a towel still hanging on his neck as he walks towards the kitchen. He glimpses at the kitchen knife on the counter.

How does it feel to cut again? It felt nice, didn't it?

He could feel something, unlike now.. he should probably.. just one.. just one cut and he's done..

Katsuki's finger traces against the sharp edge of the knife, he presses softly against the edge, he wasn't bleeding, but.. it felt nice.. it would feel so much better if he pushed in further though-

Katsuki suddenly jerks away, his mind snapping back to normal.

Again? Where is this sudden urge coming from?

Katsuki runs away from the kitchen to the balcony, inhaling the fresh air as he tries to clear his mind.

He looks at his finger, thankfully there wasn't a cut. He knew he can't tell Kirishima, he would freak and ask him to do something serious about it like considering a therapy or something.

Speaking of Kirishima.. why not try the hotline? Yeah.. that's better..

Turns out Izuku wasn't available that day. He had college and speaking to a random person and starting the entire process again just wasn't Katsuki's thing.

Katsuki was trying his best to distract himself from things that would potentially mean harm to him. Like scissors, knife, razors and stuff like that. But the universe was not on his side.

He decided with just binge watching random shows the while day and somehow get through the urge to cut. This was too random for him that he had no idea what to do.

This has never happened before.

He could just hope it's a one time thing and not a relapse.

Katsuki plops down on the sofa, trying to watch something that could keep him away from doing something stupid. He let Netflix choose a random movie for him, not caring much.

As the movie goes, it starts getting really interesting, Katsuki is totally into the tv, with a pillow tightly clutched onto his arms, he leans forward, as if he doesn't want to miss any small details.

Half way throught the movie, some distrubing facts are mentioned.

Katsuki ignores it the first time, not giving it much thought, but as the movie progressed, there were graphic content about suicide and self-harm. It didn't help with his urge, seeing the movie, he just wanted to go fine someone and cut-

Yeah, okay. That's enough Netflix for today.

He immediately turns everything off and closes his eyes, trying to calm himself down. Deep breaths. He slowly marches up to his room and lets his body fall on the bed with a bounce.

He starts scrolling through tik tok, not having much to do, there was this particular one about sharpening knifes or something, he didn't focus on what they were saying, instead his eyes lingered on how sharp the knife was.

He quickly turns of his phone and keeps it away. The universe hates him, doesn't it?

It's gonna be really hard to get through this day.

Picking up Haru a couple hours later and spending some time with him was the easiest part. He stayed with him most of the time that evening.

Soon, thankfully, the night rolled in. He had a feeling that he need not call the hotline, since, well, he was being able to get through it that day.

But then decided against it, it's just a precaution, if there was something seriously wrong, at least he could get some professional help or some advice.

"Hello, you are speaking with the suicide hotline, how may I help you Katsuki?" Izuku said with a tired yet cheerful tone.

"Hey.. you sound tired." Katsuki says, noticing the difference in Izuku's tone.

"Yeah, I'm just a little tired after college today.. anyways, how was your day?"

"Oh um, that's what I wanted to talk about.. I needed some advice, you know.. so today.. I had this urge to.. cut.." Katsuki pauses, waiting for something from Izuku, but the younger just hums, waiting for Katsuki to continue.

"I tried my best to not, you know, do it. But everything around me seemed triggering. Watching T.V and using my phone and all."

"You used to cut before Katsuki?" Katsuki feels a little embarrassed to talk about it, he hesitates a little but then ends up spiting it out.

"Yeah. Years ago."

"Has something like today happened before?" Izuku questions.

"Yeah I think around 3 years ago."

"Mhm.. do you think this is a relapse?" Izuku carefully questions, trying not to trigger anything, but he needed a word about it from Katsuki too, since he is neither qualified to do this, nor could he diagnose it without meeting Katsuki in personal and understanding his routine.

"I.. don't know.. I just hope it isn't.."

"Im not qualified to help you with this Katsuki.. but, I have a feeling this is about you getting fired, you may not think it's affecting you but it probably is without your knowledge.

I suggest you wait for a couple days, see if this happens again and then decide if you want to go to a therapist or not. But, promise me you'll call the hotline if you ever feel this again."

"Yeah, okay.. I will, thank you." That wasn't half as bad as he thought it would be.