Beckoned Through The Dark

03 // Lesego // Love & Triangles

I watched as her car disappeared in the distance and felt myself relax a bit. Finally, I could be myself again.

I turned around and walked away from Clay. I could hear his footsteps following behind me. I was so mad at him, at myself. In a minimum span of two seconds, all I could think about was what it is I lack, that he has for my mother to love him like this.

Love?

Maybe it was not even love that she felt for him. She was fond of him, she respected him. Heck! I think she would have been happier if she had him for a son than myself for a daughter. Maybe their relationship would be better than the one we share, if there's any.

My relationship with my mother is strained. You'd swear we weren't mother and daughter. We don't have a mother-daughter relationship. We don't have that bond, that special bond, we just have a faulty connection that comes and goes, which by the way, is quite rare. We don't have a bond like most children and their mothers do. Our relationship is like business contract, with clauses and rules that state, "no strings attached."

Sometimes I feel like my mother is not my mother. I wish she was not my mother, and just thinking about it hurts, because I know some people out there would die a thousand times just to have someone they can call "mother," but I can't help it.

Sometimes I wish I could run away from home and go somewhere no one knows me. I've thought about it a couple of times. Heck! I think about it every day, butGod, my siblings– Dineo and Duncan. I can't leave them behind. I can't even bring myself to subject them to so much pain. I care about them too much to even speak out loud, any bad thoughts are better off stuck in my head.

I blink back my tears as I spot the person I've been longing to see all weekend, and I smile, picking up my speed as he opens up his arms for me, giving me his beautiful smile. I can barely hear the voice calling for me from behind as I jog towards my boyfriend, "Sihle!" I run into his arms and wrap my arms around him, taking in his scent. He lifts me up and spins me around, causing me to give a strained laugh. Noticing this, he puts me down and hold my face in his hands. I try my best to blink back my tears, but to no avail, I look away as the tears stream down my face.

"God, I missed you so much, and I was looking forward to your kisses, but the first thing I get is your tear stains on my shirt." He said, wiping my tears with his thumbs, "what is wrong?" He asked, but I remained quiet and leaned into his chest. "Let me guess, your mother?" Sihle knew about my relationship with my mother, from the rules she set and the way she treated me.

I am 23 years old; I should have my own house and car by now. I should be independent, living in my own apartment, earning and spending my own money. Or better yet, I should be moving in with my boyfriend. I should be allowed to love whom I love, but God!

Only God knows how I feel right now. I'm almost 25, but I have nothing to show of it. Only my small bedroom with pale walls, a wearing off paint, and a hole in the wall, possibly a home to many creatures now. I sigh in contempt and lift my eyes to meet his, "I'm okay," I murmured. He knew I didn't want to talk about my mother. He just sighed and smiled at me, his eyes shining with a mischievous glint. "And my salty kiss?" He asked, leaning in for a kiss, and I groaned. "Perv." I muttered with a smile on my face as I stood on my toes and kissed him. I closed my eyes, but not before catching a glimpse of Clay marching away with his hands fisted on the sides.

Clay was my boyfriend to my mother, the one she approved of. He was 18 when we met, now 25. He was literally shoved to my face by my mother back in high school. Clay Evans is a coloured; he grew up somewhere in Sandton, a snob if you ask me. He is doing his final year in medicine, studying to be an oncologist. He says he wants to find a cure for cancer and save as many people as he can. At first, he wanted to be a paediatrician because he loves children, but that was until his mother died of breast cancer four years back.