Stand.

Cars And Confessions

When we got into the car, I started fixing my shoes when I realised Claire still hadn't started driving, I looked up at her to see her stare at me with a amused smile.

"What?" I asked with an unsure smile.

"You know the whole point of today was to get you out today, was to help you meet some people, maybe get over whatever happened all those months ago." She laughed. "Turns out you are perfectly capable yourself." She grinned. I bit my lip, the guilt I felt was probably painted over my face. Her grin died down.

"What?" She asked suspiciously. I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Right. Remember that one time I came back home a mess and I told you about that one guy?" I put a hand on my forehead, this was a very awkward situation to articulate.

"Yes." She said, extending it to ask me to continue.

"Right. And um, remember the beautiful boy we currently have in our flat?" I peeped through my hand, now on my face, to see Claire's eyes grow wide in sudden realisation.

"Oh god, no." She said, probably waiting for me to say it out loud.

"Yup." I popped my 'P', "Same person." I said, placing my hand down to see her reaction. She remained silent. She then breathed in and turned to face the wheel.

"What are you doing?" She asked silently and started the car. The question caught me by surprise. What was I doing?

When we arrived I tried to get out when I noticed the look of confused determination on Claire's face.

"What?" I questioned with a sigh, I didn't want this to ruin her night. We might as well get it out in the open.

"Why?" She just asked. I sighed again.

"I don't know okay. He just showed up again and I tried, believe me." I groaned. "He said, he wanted lunch, I thought, sure why not? It's lunch I mean. He is a decent guy and I was hungry." I said quickly.

"Did you actually expect it to be just lunch?" She asked with disbelief, I slid back into my seat.

"No." I said with a small voice. "I was hoping it wouldn't be." 

"Good at least you haven't become naive! That's always good to know." Claire said exasperated. She paused and took a deep breathe. "So this is the guy? From all those months back? A motherfucking celebrity?"

"Yes, but-" I started.

"No Buts!" She silent screamed. "We've been friends for three years now Rachael! Three of which we've lived in the same bloody place!" She looked at me with her eyes wide, she was mad. "In those three god damn years I've seen you shag more people than even humanly possible. Then you come back home one day after what one would assume was just another conquest, but you were in pain Rachael! I saw it in your eyes, I saw in bleeding through your pores. You were in pain and you just made it worse with denial." She stopped to breathe, her face was red and there were tears in her eyes. I felt small.

"Are you saying I should just forget about him because I know-" I said with a small voice.

"Now listen here you little piece of shit." That shut me up. She was getting feisty. "That's not what I'm saying and you know that all to well. You can't live like this! When he was gone you ignored the grief and denied yourself of mourning, and now that he's here you're going to deny yourself of happiness? What kind of a masochist are you?" She asked with disbelief.

"What are you on about?" I asked genuinely confused.

"Why can't you see it? You like him so much, he changed you as a person, he filled that stupid void you have somewhere inside that you tried to fill with all those other boys." She said, I tried to add something but she said before me, "And girls!" I bit my lips. "That's why you stopped going around giving every last bit yourself to anyone you lay eyes on! You weren't empty you fool! You were complete!" She said as her voice went down to a affectionate tone and she smiled, then she bought her hand out to rub a tear from my face that I didn't even know escaped.

"But this is a two person deal you know, he's still going to leave." I said as I closed my eyes, feeling the tears this time.

"Oh that doesn't matter. Not right now." I opened my eyes to stare at her, intrigued. "What he feels for you and how this goes is important because he filled the hole, but it has been filled none the less. Anyway you're clueless to many things." She smiled.

"What are you talking about now?" I asked, still very confused, but somehow smiling.

"Ugh now let's go, you won't need to take anyone home tonight, but I'm definitely going home with someone. I need a life to worry about, mine." We both laughed. The I nodded and we bought wiped our cheeks and checked our make up. Waterproof mascara was the best invention since sliced bread. After Claire re-applied her lipstick, we got out of the car and started walking towards the club, with out friends standing there waving.