Falling - Tom Holland imagine

Chapter 22

TW - nightmares, recount of abuse and SMUT

Summer began to pass and Tom was away from home more and more, several days here and there at a time, but Y/N seemed to be coping well with it, and he was pleased that they had settled down into a routine which worked for them both; however on the horizon loomed a challenging autumn, Tom had been notified of a 2 month stint of reshooting and commentary for his latest project, which needed him in the Phillipines, much further than he was used to and with no breaks to come home, or opportunities for her to come and visit him either. This was beginning to eat at him, making him more twitchy and little snappier. He tried not to take it out on her, but knew this was a huge hurdle, even with the progress she'd been making with therapy.

At one of the regular Sunday lunches at the Hollands, held in the garden to enjoy the late summer heat Tom confessed his worry to his mother. As part of therapy work, Y/N had been encouraged to sit with Tom and explain some of the reasons why she was so scared to be alone and the effect it had on her.

**************flashback******************

"Tom" I asked sitting curled up in his lap in the garden one late August day, my face hidden in his chest, "can I talk to you about some stuff, my therapist has suggested I open up a bit more about my issues"

"Of course sweetheart, whatever you want to or need to say to me I'm happy to listen," he said, his arms tightening around me.

"I just. I need to tell you what happened last time you were away for work. Away, away, I mean, in Nice and Naples.......when I filled the freezer with stuff and cleaned. My therapist said it was a displacement technique to fill the gap I had, after that mini breakdown after the gala. That because I wasn't safe in myself I had to find tasks to keep me from thinking, or feeling, or dealing with the trauma."

I tailed off into silence, which Tom left, waiting for me to continue, just kissing my hairline in reassurance as  I tried to put into words the turmoil in my head.

" You know how I.........flinch sometimes, when you move quickly near me, I'm sure you've guessed why, but." and I took a deep shuddering breath, letting it out slowly, beginning to belly breath to ground myself, glad of the warm, strong SAFE arms around me

"my Ex used to hit me, beat me I suppose. Everytime I did something wrong, and there was always something wrong. I tried so hard," tears began to fall "but it was never good enough, I was never good enough, and he'd punish me. Just a slap if it was something small, but on big occasions, mostly when he'd been drinking I was his punchbag. He'd find a reason to do it, and with every slap, or punch, or kick he'd have this litany, telling me how stupid, and useless and worthless I was, that I deserved everything he did, and he only did it because he loved me and I had to learn from my mistakes, that no-one else would ever love a fuck up like me and I should be grateful for his correction. Grateful! How could I be grateful to wake up in hospital with broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. He told them I'd fallen down the stairs, and he was such a good liar no-one even thought to doubt him. No-one believed me. My few friends all thought I was lying for attention and ran to him with tales, which led to another beating, but not the face, he knew not to injure me where it could be seen too often..........I just, I find it hard to believe I'm safe away from him sometimes. When you're here I feel safe and protected, but when it was just me I felt unsafe, I was scared that he would find me and it would all start again."

I wiped at my face, before continuing with that trip to the park with Tessa and how I'd spent days sitting on the sofa in readiness to run. "My therapist thinks that telling someone how it affected me, that I can begin to move past it, and I am doing better now, I don't have nightmares as often anymore and I can cope better when you are away. Even last time when I did the garden it wasn't over the top, 18 hours a day distraction, just a few. And knowing you would never be him, you would never hurt me, has helped me to find myself more. I feel more like who I was before I met Callum." I said with a gulp. "And I need to thank you for that, for making me feel safe enough to get therapy, to work on moving past my trauma. I can never tell you enough that I love you for believing in me."