Falling - Tom Holland imagine

Chapter 35

TW - abuse memories and panic attacks

The period in between christmas and new year passed quietly, Tom and I visited his parents a couple of times, but passed on the annual gathering, the boardgames and the new year this time, wanting to focus more on our growing family, including planning out the nursery, costing what we wanted to buy including in some cases actual item numbers, ready to order. 

It was so homely and familylike that I lost myself wholly in it, and it was a slightly rude shock when the new year came and with it, the last week of work at the recruitment agency and the return of my laptop and other sundries. I didn't do any real work in that last week, mostly filing away relevant CVs and older policy documents and sending out emails to my oldstanding clients referring and directing them to my replacement. By 1pm on my last day I decided to end it early, and with great ceremony, watched by Tom, I deleted the last of my folders and switched my permanent out of office on. Unplugging the laptop and placing it, the charger and my wireless headset into  the bag, he led me out into the garden where he'd lit a small fire in the firepit, and handed me a small stack of work related papers for me to ceremoniously burn. I laughed at his enthusiasm and together we fed the flame, sheet by sheet till it was all gone.

Come the Monday morning I had my equipment by the front door, ready to go, Tom had offered to drive me over to Sydenham, to do the drop off, but knowing his trainer had a vigorous gym day planned for him I got him to drop me off near the station where I could get the bus. He'd frowned at that, not wanting me to stress my pregnant body, but after a few not so quiet words about not being breakable and how millions of pregnant women managed to use public transport and how I was my own person he conceded. I sat quietly in the seat near the front. It wasn't a long journey, but seemed to take forever and as familiar roads and shops came into view, I began to grow uncomfortable. So many bad memories were attached to this part of South London, and I started to regret coming on my own.

I got off at my usual spot, tightening my grip on the bag, undoing my coat to provide a little more protection for my stomach from all the prying eyes, and bagging out Toms biggest hoodie over the front of it as I took in a deep breath and injecting confidence I did not have, into a purposeful stride towards the low office block that contained my old firm. I pushed through the glass doors into a familiar reception area, feeling nausea as flashbacks flickered into my head. I swallowed and headed over to the reception desk, waiting in a short line, I looked over the small seating area for clients, currently empty, just an abandonded solitary coffee cup and people walking past the big glass windows in the gloomy air. 

Eventually it was my turn and I placed the items onto the desk advising I was returning equipment. The receptionist gave me a blank stare and asked me to wait while she fetched some final forms for me to sign, I stood to one side and resumed people watching in the street as a growing sense of panic began to take hold again. I started tapping my foot and snapping my fingers, trying to ground myself, when out of the window he emerged from the crowd. I couldn't mistake that sneering thin face, the hooked nose, the ever present stubble and receding hair line. The years had not been kind to Callum. I spun around presenting my back to the street, rigid with fear as my heart pounded, I felt sick and sweaty and clutched onto the desk to keep myself upright with one hand whilst the other reached down to hold and protect the babies inside me, too scared to look back. The receptionist returned with the form awaiting my signature, as I swayed slightly she placed the forms on the desk and I shakily scrawled a mark next to the date, unseeing. As she reached to take the form back, our transaction done I asked in a whisper if there was anyone looking in or appearing to wait outside the office wearing a dark  blue jumper? She leaned around me and indicated a negative. Still shaking I asked if she could call me a cab as I was pregnant and feeling very unwell. Ushering me to a secluded seat she made the arrangements as I peered around the foliage next to me.