Grab N' Go [Robin Arellano]

5: Being Emo Makes You Tired

Robin's house has always been the same- empty bottles, burnt out cigarettes, random little plastic baggies, and trash just about everywhere.

He cleans it up himself about once a week, since his mom couldn't be bothered to do it herself.

His dad never returned from the war, and it left his mother a shell of the person she use to be. She spent most days lounging around high or drunk, or off doing God knows what. The only good thing about his father never returning is that the government sent a measly check that was at least enough to pay bills every month and buy a few groceries if his mom didn't blow it on weed or Valium.

When he got home from school, his mom was nowhere to be found, not that he really cared.

He spent about an hour cleaning up the mess and spraying air freshener to try and cover the smell of ash and weed. When it was at least decent, he kicked it in his room while listening to music off his radio as he waited for Finn.

"Hotel California" by the Eagles plays as he holds a cigarette between his lips, flicking his lighter and just wafting it around in front of his face while staring at the flame. His eyes drift to his bandaged fist, then his mind wanders to his conversation with Valentina.

Finally, he lights his stick and takes a deep breath. As he exhales smoke, he reviews his actions.

Even though he knew most people would judge him harshly because of his actions, and his race on top of that, he convinces himself he did what he had to. In this world it's fight or flight, and he wouldn't be caught dead acting like a pussy.

At the same time though, it doesn't seem to be getting him the attention he craves. It's attention from all the wrong people.

Knocking at his front door makes him jump, put out his cigarette, spray some freshener, and rush towards the front door.

He throws it open and smiles cooly when he finds its Finney, stood with a shy shrunken posture.

"Yo, Finn," he nods, moving to let him in.

Finn grins, "what's up."

-

After crying yet again, Valentina takes a hit of her joint while sitting in front of her body length mirror. She just stares at herself. The smeared mascara, puffy eyes, and bags. It all makes her look so drained. Her eyes are red and still glassy. She can't tell if it's from the weed or the tears.

She never smoked. Not even when Vance would. She started purchasing when he disappeared. Sometimes it helps her forget, but sometimes it just makes her think about everything harder than before.

Right now though, her mind is simply blank.

She gets up to turn her radio to full blast, then falls back in her messy, unmade bed. Her eyes water once more as she stares at the ceiling, even though there is nothing in particular she's thinking about.

"Who Am I" by The O'Jay's plays loudly around her.

"Who am I? Who. Am. I?

Who can't face the worlds goodbye,

Who am I? Who. Am. I?"

She truly has no one. She didn't before, but then she had Vance and for the first time ever she had someone. And now she has no one again. The term loneliness did not justly describe how she felt. Empty. Broken. Silenced. Tired. Numb.

Why was the world so cruel to her?

Why didn't she walk him home that day?

"Fucking, God," she grumbles, finally climbing out of her bed and grabbing a journal from her desk.

Without thinking twice, she walks out her room, through the hallway and living room, then finally out her front door. Though it's dark out, and slightly chilly, she begrudgingly walks through the neighborhood. Searching.

She flips through the journal. Each line of the first 3 pages has a list of crossed out addresses.

One of these damn houses had to be the one.

If she were a kidnapper, where would she hide them? A basement. Or a cellar. Maybe an attic.

She decides to go with her first option as per usual, scouting all houses with basement windows. If reachable, she looks through each carefully to avoid being caught snooping. Then crosses them off on the list if there's nothing.

For the past few months, she's done this. She told herself she would stop when the school year started, but she just couldn't. She wouldn't want Vance to give up on her.

So, just like the night before, she spends hours on end searching and doesn't stop until her watch reads 2am. Her mom would be home in an hour, and she needed to beat her back.

Defeated, she returns. After taking a long shower, she goes to sleep crying once again.

-

The next day in school, Valentina is exhausted. She goes through the motions quieter than usual and fighting off sleep. During lunch, neither Finn nor Gwen seems to notice her silence as she covers it up with a smile and by laughing along with them.

However, by the time her last period rolls around, she feels like she could fall into a coma.

She takes her seat by Robin, who immediately smiles.

"Hey, Valentina," he greets with a nod.

She smiles back tiredly, "hey, Robin. How are you?"

"I'm alright. What about you? You look a little tired," he honestly states, giving her a suspicious look.

She frowns, "I do?"

He could slap himself.

"I-I mean, not in a bad way," he attempts to correct. "...you just look...sleepy."

She nods, "yeah, I'm a little tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. Things have been weird."

He's surprised that she's sharing her thoughts with him, unsure if it's due to her clear lack of sleep. Well, whatever the case, he didn't want to waste the opportunity.

"Weird how?" He hums, keeping a cool expression while leaning back in his chair.

Her brain is so tired she can't shut herself up and continues on while laying her head into the desk.

"I feel lonely. I hate it. And I can't sleep feeling like I'm alone," she honestly expresses with her eyes shut. "But at the same time, it's like no matter what I'll always feel this way, and nothing can ever change it."

His mouth turns downward at both ends as he watches her begin to doze off. He doesn't know if he should keep talking or just let her sleep.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," he speaks up, deciding to comfort her. "If you're lonely, you can always...hang out with me? It would be cool. We can chill and listen to music."

Even though her eyes stay shut, the smile that takes to her features makes him breathe a sigh of relief that she isn't creeped out by his offer.

"Thanks, Robin. Maybe I'll take you up on that. You know, you're sweeter than I thought you'd be. Or maybe I'm just tired. Can you cover for me while I rest?" She yawns, seeming to drift off before he can even answer. "Siento que podría morir si no duermo."

(Translation: I feel like I might die if I don't sleep.)

He cracks a smile and tries to hide his blush, "yeah sure. I can tell. Your Mexican is showing."

She gives one last smile before drifting to sleep, just as their teacher starts spouting random information. For the first time ever, Robin takes as many notes as possible, to make sure he could relay the information to her later.

Thankfully, the girl goes unnoticed by all except him, who routinely turns to examine her sleeping face.

She said I was sweet.