Finn

Chapter Thirty

"Neither are you."

My mouth fell open at his words. That was the last thing I expected to hear from him, and I felt a wave of emotions hit me as I processed the words. While he was technically right, I didn't count the times Howard forced himself on me as sex. Cillian knew that. He knew exactly what my question meant, and he knew exactly what he had done by answering that way.

After the initial shock wore off, I struggled with whether I should break down in tears or punch him in the face. Eventually, I settled on using all my strength to push him off of me. I jumped off of the bed, wrapping my dress back up and tying it tightly around my waist. I raced towards the glass doors leading to the bathroom, wanting to hide away from him as tears threatened to spill over.

"Finley, wait," Cillian called after me, finally coming to his senses. I heard him get off the bed and quickened my steps. A tear escaped my eye, and I wiped at it angrily.

"Finley, please. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to say that," He raced towards me with werewolf speed. Cillian easily intercepted my attempt to flee as he put himself in between me and the bathroom door, "I'm so sorry baby, really. I was just hurt when you said you weren't ready. I thought you didn't love me, Finley. But that's no excuse; I shouldn't have said that."

I glared at him, unable to form words to express how shitty it was to say that. Cillian seemed genuine in his apology, and he seemed to understand the weight of his words. He was watching me with frantic eyes, a panicked look on his face that I hadn't seen before. When I didn't say anything or make anymore efforts to run, he continued.

"You're right, though. This isn't new for me, and I want you to have all the time in the world to get used to it so you can be comfortable," Cillian told me, cautiously reaching a hand out to take mine in his, "I love you, Finley. I've waited three hundred years for you. I can wait a little bit longer."

I felt my anger falter slightly at his sweet words, and I hated myself for giving in so easily. I shouldn't let him sway me by saying some nice things and telling me he loves me. It isn't okay for him to use my past against me like that.

"You can't say shit like that," I finally spit out, my words falling over each other. I didn't look at him as I talked, just shook my head and closed my eyes as I tried to form coherent thoughts, "it's those little outbursts that make it so hard for me to go all the way with you, Cillian. How can I trust you completely when you can say something like that to me?"

Cillian looked like I had just punched him in the stomach. I already had tears streaming down my face, but I swear I saw his eyes glistening as he looked down at me with a pitiful frown.

"I know..." He muttered, his shoulders slumping in defeat, "I know, baby. You're right; you're so right. I'm so sorry."

Something about seeing Alpha Cillian so broken because of my words was absolutely heartbreaking. I'd seen him ready to rip my head off because he was so furious with me or someone around me on multiple occasions, but this side of Cillian was completely new.

"I don't have the same mate bond you have, Cillian. The one that tells you to love me no matter what I do," I told him with a sigh, running my hands through my hair, "and as much as I appreciate you loving me and taking care of me, it doesn't make me loving you happen any faster. I have to fall in love with you the old fashioned way. I have to deal with the anxiety and the overthinking and the doubts that come with falling in love."

"And me acting like an asshole doesn't exactly help..." Cillian grumbled, running his hands over his face and groaning. Despite the tears running down my face, and the heavy conversation, I couldn't help but snort at his comment. After being scolded countless times for cursing, it felt completely foreign to hear it coming out of Cillian's mouth.