Finn

Chapter Forty-Seven

Chapter Forty-Seven

If it weren't for the cold air that had made my entire body numb, or the thick jacket I was wearing, I was positive Turin's touch would have pushed me over the edge. Somehow, it didn't bother me when he pulled me into his lap and wiped the tears off of my face. I was spiraling, and it seemed to be the thing that brought me partially back to earth.

"I begged every god and goddess who would listen not to take you from me. So instead, they took Cillian. He's dead because of me." The words spilled out before I could stop them. Before I could consider how crazy I sounded, or what Turin would think of me. It was like a dam had broken in my brain, and everything was falling into the snow around us.

"Oh, my love..." Turin muttered, which made me sob even louder. I pulled my face away from his grasp and buried it in shoulder. He didn't force me to look at him again, but rubbed my back while I cried and he continued talking, "the only one responsible for Cillian's death is Howard, and he's gone, okay? Cillian makes his own decisions, and no one forced him to jump in front of me. Not me, not you, and certainly not a goddess."

"You don't know that-" I started to argue, my words muffled by his shirt, but Turin cut me off anyway.

"Yes I do, because that's who Cillian was. He would quite literally take a bullet for those he loves any day, and you and I are no exception. He loved you, Finn, he did. And he loved me. And he loved this pack. He did what he did because he wanted to protect us, not because you made him." Turin's voice was harsh, urging me to listen and believe every word he said. I didn't respond, I didn't know how. I just let all the tears I had left out onto his shirt.

"It's okay, my love. Let it all out." Turin whispered in my hair, rocking us back and forth as I continued to cry. He muttered sweet things in my ear and rubbed my back for what felt like hours before my crying finally slowed down, and my breathing started to even out.

"Do you think..." I started after a long time of silence passed between us. I cut off my question, second guessing saying it out loud. Turin, of course, wasn't going to let me get away with that. He pulled away slightly so he could look at me, and brushed away some of the remaining tears on my face. Now that I was far less hysterical, the touch made me flinch slightly, but I didn't fully jump away.

"Do I think what?" Turin asked, moving his hands away after seeing my flinch. He kept one arm around my waist, keeping me sitting upright, but the jacket I was wearing seemed to keep enough of a barrier for me not to freak out.

"Do you think he died thinking I hate him?" I asked after another moment of hesitation. The idea that he had made guilt wash over me, and I shivered under the feeling.

"I don't know..." Turin answered honestly, a frown on his face as he looked at me. The response made tears sting my eyes again, but he was quick to continue before I could start crying again, "but I do believe that the dead never really leave. I think somehow, he's here with us now. And he knows how much the pack respects him, and that you don't hate him."

I glanced at the casket sitting a few feet from us, wondering if there was a ghost Cillian floating above it. It wouldn't be that surprising, considering we lived in a supernatural world. But if there was a ghost Cillian, he didn't announce his presence. Still, the thought made me feel better.

I nodded to Turin, leaning my head on his shoulder again. My body was numb and exhausted from the sobs that wracked over me. My face was no doubt red and puffy, and my throat was raw from talking for the first time and crying. Despite all that, I felt the first hint of calm I'd had since I got home.

"So if he's here now, do you think he's having a ghost tantrum about me sitting in your lap?"

My words were quiet, a half-assed attempt at a joke. But Turin's laugh erupted out of his chest so loudly it made me jump slightly. His laugh was so pure and genuine, I couldn't help but smile a little at the sound. I missed his laugh.