Between the Fallen Memories

Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Hindi ko man nasabi sakanya ang mga katagang iyon noon, kung may pagkakataon akong sabihin iyon sakanya ngayon... Buong puso kong isisigaw sakanya.. ipapadama sakanya na mahal ko pa rin siya.

It took me such a long time to let it out. It took me such a long time to be honest to myself. I was lying to myself this whole time. Hindi pa pala ako nakalimot. Ito pala talaga ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Kusa itong lumabas.. hindi ko na ito napigilan pang itago.

Sure, I still have an inch of regret for us, I'd admit that. But I longed for him.. still.

But if I would be asked if I regretted that I saved Elijah, I would answer no. I have no regrets of saving him... But  I have regrets of not telling Elias about it. If I just told him.. if I didn't neglect him.. if I listened to him, too, and not just on Elijah... We would still be together right now.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko maamin mismo sa sarili ko na mahal ko pa rin siya. Siguro dahil natatakot ako. Siguro dahil duwag ako. Mula noon hanggang ngayon... Duwag pa rin ako.

"Happy birthday to me..." I sang to myself when the clock finally hit 12 in the morning. Nakaupo ako sa kama ko habang nakatulala sa kawalan. "Happy 24th, Isleen Cosette. I'm proud of what you've become. I wish you the healings you deserve. I love you," I smiled after saying those to myself.

Years of self doubts, fearing failure, and years of disappointment in myself... I can finally say that I love me, and I'm proud of me. I thanked myself for being strong, when the world around me was falling apart, I'm proud of myself for still walking through my chosen path, even when I was on the verge of failing. And I deeply thanked myself for growing, learning, and becoming a better person each day.

I have many realizations now. And my life before taught me many lessons that I would always bring with me.

It's not my work and my achievements that made people know me as who I am.. but it was what's inside of me. I've been pushing myself too hard to become the person what people want me to be.. but I realized that I don't need them.. I just need to be me. I don't want to be defined by my achievements only.. I want them to see the real me.

I want to be defined by the things that I love.. the things that made me.. and the things that made me grow. Thank you, Isleen, for holding on.. for staying in this world for 24 years when you clearly didn't expect to live that long. Thank you for being strong.. for fighting your silent battles alone. And thank you for crying when you need to let out your feelings. I hope you say the words that you're afraid to say... I hope you'd finally have your courage to say them out loud.

"Happy birthday, Architect Mendoza! Wohoo!"

Napatakip ako sa tenga ko sa gulat nang sumigaw silang lahat sa lobby pagkapasok ko pa lang sa kompanya. I didn't expect to see them here... Akala ko nasa taas na silang lahat. Tuloy ay kahit 'yung mga hindi kasali sa field at department namin ay napapahinto para pagtinginan kami.

"I didn't expect this," I laughed. I didn't even know that they know my birthday! Siguro ay sinabi nina Van at Avy para supresahin ako? "Thank you, guys!"

"Happy birthday, Architect. Blow your candle na," Zoren smiled as he walked to me with the cake in this hands.

Matamis akong ngumiti at akmang hihipan na ang kandila nang natigilan ako sa nakita. Elias was walking towards the elevator, completely ignoring us. Nasa harap lang ang tingin niya habang naglalakad, tila walang pake sa paligid. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa tuluyan nang sumara ang elevator at nawala na siya sa paningin ko.

Unti-unting nabura ang ngiti ko at hinipan nalang ang kandila.

"Thank you, everyone! Thank you for making this day special!" masayang wika ko sakanila bago kami umakyat sa opisina namin.