White Lies and Smiles

23

"Clyde, anong magbabago kapag ginawa natin 'to?" Clyde stopped from kissing my neck. He was breathing heavily.

"Our status? Aside from that, nothing else will change." I clenched on his shirt when he kissed my lips again.

I felt the soft mattress as we kissed. Clyde stopped for a bit to remove his shirt. He pushed his hair backwards after throwing his shirt on the floor. I bit my lip when I saw his upper body. Mababaliw na 'ata ako!

Napatili ako nang punitin niya ang manipis kong sando. He already removed my bra earlier, exposing my boobs as he removed the thin clothing away from my body. I felt his hand massaging one while preparing for another kiss.

"Uuwi na ako, Clyde." Mas humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin nang sabihin ko 'yon.

"Bakit ka uuwi?" He started combing my hair with his fingers. He kissed the top of my head, making me feel sleepy.

"Nahihiya na ako... Ikaw 'yung tuturuan ko pero mukhang ako pa ang tinuruan mo!" He laughed at that. Napanguso tuloy ako.

"I've also learned new things from you. I think we're just equal. Qams, can you stop moving your leg? Your knee is touching my..." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Kaagad akong tumigil sa paggalaw. "I just don't want to make love to you again. I bet you're still sore."

"Hmm medyo." Pinatakan ko ng halik ang dibdib niya. Natigil siya sa pagsuklay ng aking buhok dahil sa ginawa ko. "Kapag tuluyan na akong nahulog, sana hindi pa huli ang lahat. Sana nandiyan ka pa para saluhin ako."

"You don't need to tell me that because I'll definitely do that, Qamari."

Suot ko ang malaking shirt at pajama ni Clyde nang sumakay ako sa passenger seat. Nagutom ako at naisip kong mag-drive thru. Inayos ko ang pagkakatali ng buhok ko. Si Clyde na ang nagkabit ng seatbelt ko. Humalik siya sa akin bago inayos ang sariling seatbelt.

Nag-video ako habang nasa byahe kami. Nilagay ko 'yon sa ig story ko. Marami agad nag-view at reply. Hindi ko nalang muna sila pinansin. Naka-connect na ngayon ang phone ni Clyde sa speaker ng kotse ni Clyde. He played a song of The Weeknd.

[I'm findin' ways to articulate. The feeling I'm goin' through. I just can't say I don't love you. 'Cause I love you, yeah. It's hard for me to communicate the thoughts that I hold. But tonight I'm gon' let you know. Let me tell the truth. Baby let me tell the truth, yeah.]

Alam na ni Clyde ang gusto ko kaya hindi na siya nagtanong nang makarating kami sa drive thru. Sinarado niya muna ang bintana sa driver's seat habang naghihintay kami sa mga order namin. I put my phone on top of the dashboard. I clicked the record button. Gusto kong i-record lahat ng sandaling kasama ko si Clyde.

[You know what I'm thinkin'. See it in your eyes
You hate that you want me. Hate it when you cry. You're scared to be lonely. Especially in the night. I'm scared that I'll miss you. Happens every time. I don't want this feelin'. I can't afford love. I try to find reason to pull us apart. It ain't workin' 'cause you're perfect. And I know that you're worth it. I can't walk away, oh!]

"Even though we're going through it. And it makes you feel alone. Just know that I would die for you. Baby I would die for you, yeah. The distance and the time between us. It'll never change my mind, 'cause baby I would die for you. Baby I would die for you, yeah," sinabayan ni Clyde ang kanta.

Hinawakan niya ang panga ko. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting paglapat ng aming mga labi. I held his nape to deepen our kisses. Before we could do something wilder, a knock on the window stopped us.

Binaba ni Clyde and window sa side niya at kinuha na ang order namin. Nag-drive na rin siya paalis. Sumasabay kami ni Clyde sa mga kanta habang nasa byahe. Pagkatapos kong mailagay sa bibig ko ang fries ay sinusubuan ko rin siya ng fries.

Iginilid ni Clyde ang kotse. Nasa gilid lang kami ng kalsada. Kumuha ulit ako ng fries at inilagay 'yon sa pagitan ng mga ngipin ko. Laking gulat ko nang kagatan iyon ni Clyde. Nag-init ang mga pisngi ko sa ginawa niya. Sumandal siya sa backrest ng driver's seat at mariing tumitig sa akin. Kung yelo ako, lusaw na lusaw na ako.

"Do you still remember him when I'm around?" Mahina ang boses niya nang itanong niya 'yon.

"Noong u-una... Imbis na makalimutan ko siya, mas lalo ko lang siyang naaalala. Pero kanina, hindi ko na siya naalala. Sa lahat ng ginawa natin, iyong kanina lang... Hindi ko siya naalala o naisip, Clyde. May ibig-sabihin ba 'yon?" Nanginginig ang mga labi ko sa hindi malamang dahilan.

"Are you affected when he's around?" Umiling ako kay Clyde. "Do you still love him?"

"I will never allow myself to continue my love for someone who killed me, Clyde. Hanggang ngayon, sinisisi ko pa rin sila ni Diana." My eyes watered as I reminisced the past. My body became weak and it trembled nonstop. "Ang sama kong tao, Clyde..."

"Shh... It's okay, Qams." Ikinulong ako ni Clyde sa isang yakap. "Your reasons are acceptable. Your feelings are valid. You don't need to apologize. You're not the bad person, hmm?"

"Clyde, I w-want to love again... Do I stand a chance? Because I'm just waiting for the right time to tell you that I already love you.. I just couldn't say what I really feel because... I know that there's a big possibility that you'll doubt it. Because every time we do the things that we did, I remember him. Pero tuwing naaalala ko siya, wala namang panghihinayang, e. Sakit lang ang meron. Hindi na 'yon pagmamahal. Sigurado ako." Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi niya at hinalikan ang tungki ng ilong niya. Sunod-sunod na pumatak ang mga luhang sinubukan kong pigilan.

"Stop crying, it makes me feel bad." He chuckled a bit before wiping my cheeks with his thumbs. "I love you, Qamari. I tried so hard not to tell you this because I wanted you to heal first. Now, I can finally say that I love you not only through my actions but also through words."

"Alam mo ba na ito ang unang beses na makakapag-"I love you" ako sa isang lalaki? Bukod sa tatay ko at sa mga kapatid ko, ikaw palang ang masasabihan ko niyan. 'Yung huli kong minahal, hindi ko naman nasabi na mahal ko siya. Kaya ngayon, kahit ilang beses pa, sasabihin kong mahal kita."

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