White Lies and Smiles

19

TW: Death

"Condolence," Markus said in a low voice. I smiled weakly at him. "I may not know how painful it was for you but I would know how painful it would be for the kid if he lived. I grew up without my dad because he died when I was still a young kid." I looked at Markus.

"W-was it really that hard to live without your mom or dad?" He nodded at me.

"Whenever I see a complete family, I would ask my mom why dad's not there with us. My mom didn't love again after my dad died. I never got a chance to have a father figure. Until now, I don't know the feeling of having a dad. I'm not saying this for you to understand Ethan. I'm just sharing what I've been through as someone who grew up without a dad."

"If you were in Ethan's position, will you choose the same option?" I stared at the coffin of my baby. Markus sighed.

"Honestly, yes, I would choose the same. A lot of things can happen if I choose the kid. I know what could happen and I do not intend to let him experience those. If I lose Pia, I'll lose myself. You know why?" I shook my head. "It's because she's my other half."

"The other reason why I can't accept Ethan's reasons was because of Diana and their kid. And I'm sure that Diana's not the only girl of Ethan. He told me that he can't lose me but little did he know, he already lost me when he lied to me."

"Who's Diana? And did you just say that they have a kid?" I nodded. Markus muttered a curse. "I'm sorry, I didn't know about it."

Umalis lang si Markus sa tabi ko nang pumasok na sina Clara at Pia. Nilapag lang nila ang mga pagkain sa lamesa at kaagad na lumapit sa akin. Niyakap nila ako at nagsipag-unahan na ang mga luha sa pagtulo. Pumikit ako at humagulhol habang nakakulong sa yakap nila.

Umiiyak din ang dalawa kong kaibigan. Pinunasan ni Pia ang mga pisngi kong nabasa ng mga luha. Si Clara naman ay inabutan ako ng tubig. Kahit papaano ay nabawasan ang mabigat na pakiramdam dahil sa kanila.

Inayos ko ang sarili ko nang dumating si Clyde. Tumayo ako at lumapit sa kaniya. Wala ni isang salita, ikinulong niya ako sa mga bisig niya. Umiyak ulit ako... Hinayaan ako ni Clyde hanggang sa kumalma ako.

"Hernandez... condolence." Dahan-dahan akong lumayo kay Clyde nang sabihin niya 'yon. Nilingon ko ang kararating lang.

"Bakit n-nandito ka? Sinong nagsabi sa 'yong p'wede kang pumunta rito?" Hinarap ko si Ethan. Nakita ko ang mga luhang pinipigilan niya. "Umalis ka na."

"Qamari, I j-just want to see our baby-"

"Anak mo? Anak mo pa rin ba 'yun kung pinatay mo? Ethan, magsama nalang kayo ni Diana. Kayo ang pumatay sa anak ko!" Umiling siya nang umiling at lumuhod sa aking harapan. Niyakap niya ang mga hita ko. "P-pinatay n'yo ang a-anak ko... Kayo ng babae mo ang may k-kasalanan!"

"Qams.." Nasa tabi ko na ngayon ang dalawa kong kaibigan.

"N-ngayon alam ko na kung bakit p-pinili mo na ako ang mabuhay. Kapag 'yung bata ang nawala, mawawalan ka na rin ng rason na makipagkita sa akin. Sa g-gano'ng paraan, mawawala na rin ako sa buhay mo, 'di ba? Mas mapapadali ang paghihiwalay natin. Plinano n'yo ba 'to ng b-babae mo?" Umiling siya at mas lalong humigpit ang yakap niya. "Ethan, parang awa mo na.. U-umalis ka na, please.."

"Aia, l-let's stop this misunderstanding. Stop judging me. I love our kid and I also w-wanted him to live. But I d-don't want to lose you either. I'm sorry, I'm really s-sorry.. I'm sorry I couldn't g-give you up. I couldn't put your life on the line." I felt him clenching on my dress. Katulad ko ay nabasag na rin ang boses niya.

"Y-you have a child with the w-woman who killed my child, Ethan! Do you still not understand my point?! I w-want you out of my life! I want you to stay o-out of this... Wala kang karapatan sa bata. Nabuo siya dahil sa mga kasinungalingan mo. Naaawa ako para sa a-anak ko, Ethan. Napakasahol ng a-ama niya! Umalis ka na!" Pilit kong kinalas ang yakap niya sa akin. Tumayo siya at akmang yayakapin ako ngunit pinigilan na siya kaagad nina Markus at Clyde. "Maniniwala pa ba ako sa 'yo? I have lived with your white lies for the past years. May katotohanan ba sa mga 'yon, huh?"

"I wasn't l-lying to you all these years-"

"You weren't? Eh, ano 'yung kay Diana? H-hindi mo 'yon sinabi sa akin. You told me that I was your only girl but I knew about your girls, Ethan. I was blinded by the love I have for you! I pretended to be okay, I pretended to be innocent, and I faked my smiles! I g-guess my genuine love can't change a fucking playboy like you." My vision became blurry as tears covered my eyes. "I became part of your game.. A game that only you can survive... It is s-so unfair."

"Aia-" The corner of my eyes heated as I watched him being pulled out by Markus and Clyde.

If only he loved me. If only he didn't lie. If only he gave me an assurance... I would've believed him. I would've understood his reasons.

I threw the white rose over my baby's coffin. I felt nothing but pain. Clyde stood beside me. I rested my head on his chest as he hugged me with one arm. He threw the white rose that he was holding. I cried and tried to think that it was just a bad dream.

"Let him rest now, Qams. He's in good hands. His death is not your end, remember that. This is not the end." Tumango ako at patuloy na umiyak hanggang sa tabunan na ng lupa ang kabaong ng anak ko.

I'm so thankful for your existence. I experienced motherhood because of you. I love you so much that it hurts me to arrange and witness your own funeral and burial. I hope there's no pain there. Mommy will be okay. Mommy will be strong again. Mommy will continue her life for you. Rest in paradise, my love. We've fought a good fight.

"He was with me until the end," I smiled weakly. "My baby was so strong, Clyde."

"Like his mom... You're so strong, Qams. I'm so proud of you." I closed my eyes as he pressed his lips on my forehead.

From there and then, I found peace. Until the last day and night of this lifetime, I will choose peace. I will rest now and fight again later.

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