White Lies and Smiles

15

"Are you tired already?" Ethan asked me while we were walking around the grocery store. I immediately shook my head. "Tell me if you're tired, okay?"

"Ethan, ayan ka nanaman. Buntis lang ako pero kaya ko pang gawin iyong mga ginagawa ko dati."

"But according to Dr. Asun-"

"Bakit, si doktora ba ang buntis, Ethan? Ako 'yung buntis, nararamdaman ko naman kapag hindi na ako okay." Tumango-tango si Ethan at muling hinawakan ang beywang ko. I reached for the biscuit that I eat during snack time. "Buti wala kang trabaho ngayon."

"Why? You want me to be busy again?" My forehead creased, making him laugh. "I was just kidding! I also don't want that. I want to spend more time on my baby and our baby."

"Lies," I unconsciously uttered. He was taken aback. I laughed it off to break the silence. "I trust you, Ethan. I know you wouldn't lie to me for a small reason."

Each day was the same. Uuwi si Ethan na pagod at tahimik. Parang walang lakas sa kahit anong bagay. Gano'n din naman ako. Little by little, the excitement that I felt when I fell in love with him drowned in the river of tears. Si Ethan ang gusto kong kasama sa pagtulog ko, hindi ang mga luha ko.

I kept my doubts and my worries to myself. I didn't want to ask him about it. Kasi kung gusto niyang sabihin, marami kaming oras na puwedeng ilaan, mapag-usapan lang kung ano man 'yon. But it seemed like he didn't want to tell me anything at all. Ayaw ko naman na sa tuwing uuwi siya ay mag-aaway lang kami. So, I remained silent for peaceful hours with him.

"May ipapangalan ka na ba kay baby?" Nilingon ko si Pia nang itanong niya 'yon.

"Papahiram ko sana pangalan ko kaya lang baka may magselos," pagyayabang ni David. Natawa naman ako ro'n at mahinang hinampas ang braso niya. "Pero ano bang pangalan ng baby ninyo?"

"Eian palang 'yung naiisip ko. Para siyang combination ng Ethan at Xaia." Pia smiled at me. Si David naman ay napatango-tango. "Gusto ko kasi na dala niya 'yung pangalan namin ni Ethan. Kahit 'yon nalang."

"Pati pagmamahal, Qams," ani Pia. Pagmamahal ko nalang siguro, Pia.

"Unboxing na tayo!" David looked excited as he unboxed our gifts for him. "Ano 'to?"

"That's for—"

"Ah, akala ko akin!" Tumatawang saad ni David. "Next one—shit, mama! Akin talaga 'to?" Nilabas ni David ang isang shirt. Tumango si Pia sa kaniya. "Hindi na dapat kayo bumili nito... Gatas nalang sana. Joke! Salamat!"

After weeks of dealing with heavy thoughts, I went home with a happy heart. I headed straight to the bedroom. As usual, Ethan wasn't there. I sighed and started preparing for a warm bath.

As I submerged my body into the tub of warm water, I heard a sound coming from the bedroom. I immediately knew it was Ethan. Hindi na ako nagulat nang buksan niya ang pinto ng bathroom. He went straight to the shower. At dahil naka-separate naman 'yon sa bathtub area, hindi namin kita ang isa't isa.

"Ethan?" I called for him.

"Sorry, baby, didn't notice you. I'll just take a shower."

"Okay..."

I patiently waited inside the tub. Minutes after, Ethan joined me in the tub. He sat behind me. He massaged my shoulders and arms.

"Stressful day?" I asked in a low voice.

"Kind of. But I'm okay." He kissed the side of my cheek. "How about you? Are you okay?"

"I met with Pia and David. Kaya medyo okay ako ngayon." I looked at him. I caressed his jaw and smiled. "I missed you so much. I can't remember the last time we spent our time like this."

"I missed you more, Aia." He gently kissed my lips. My breathing became heavy when I felt that he wanted more. He kissed me again. But this time, a bit longer. "I want to kiss you until sunrise."

"Then kiss me until we fall asleep, Ethan."

Ethan kissed my lips like there was no tomorrow. I held onto the soft sheets when his kisses went down my jaw and neck. And because the lights were off, Ethan didn't notice the tears on my cheek. To kiss and to hold him like this will only be a memory tomorrow.

Bukas, wala nanaman siya sa tabi ko.

"Ma'am, pinaglutuan ka po ni Sir Ethan bago siya umalis." Inihain nila ang mga niluto ni Ethan sa lamesa. Kung noon ay natutuwa ako sa mga ganito, ngayon ay naiisip ko na baka pambawi lamang ito. "Ang bilin po sa amin ni Sir Ethan ay siguraduhin na makakain ka."

"Thank you. Kumain na rin kayo."

"Mamaya na po kami, Ma'am." Tumango nalang ako. Tila nawalan na ako ng lakas na makipagpalitan ng mga salita.

Nagpahatid ako sa simbahan nang sumapit ang hapon. Maraming nagsisimbang mag-anak ngayon. Linggo na pala pero ang ama ng anak ko ay abala pa rin sa trabaho.

Pinagmasdan ko lamang ang mga pamilyang nasa loob ng simbahan. Ang iba ay masayang nag-uusap habang naghihintay na magsimula ang misa. Ang iba naman ay seryoso lamang. Ang iba ay pinapatahan ang mga anak nilang umiiyak.

How would we look if Ethan was with me? I could only imagine those normal things with him. To have him standing or sitting beside me. To have him worried about me standing for too long. To have him pray beside me. Until when will these things remain in my imagination?

"Ang katotohanan ang siyang nagpapalaya sa ating mga puso," iyon ang huling mga salitang binigkas ng pari. Only the truth will put a stop to these doubts and worries.

After the mass, I stayed in my seat. I talked to Him. I prayed to Him to clear my heavy heart and endless thoughts. Or at least, give me a reason to stay.

I closed my eyes and put my hands together. The longer I had my eyes closed, the lighter my mind was. I couldn't stop my tears as I begged Heavens to let Ethan be the last person who'd break my trust. I begged Him to let Ethan be the man I deserve.

Gano'n na lamang kabilis na dumilat ang mga mata ko. Naramdaman ko ang pagdampi ng isang panyo sa aking mga pisngi. I glanced at the person beside me. I couldn't help but cry more when I saw the man in my prayers earlier.

Kinulong ako ni Ethan sa isang yakap. Pagod kong sinandal ang aking noo sa kaniyang balikat. Niyakap ko siya pabalik at mahigpit kong hinawakan ang damit niya. Ang lumuha sa kaniyang mga bisig ay isang pagkakamali na hindi ko naiwasan.

"Qamari..." It all came rushing to me when I heard his voice. "Am I making you cry?"

"J-just... stay..." Because I knew I could bear his lies more than pushing him away.

__________________________________