aversion | bbangnyu

52

"Where are we going?" Chanhee asked as him and Younghoon walked out of their shared sixth hour.

With a huff, Younghoon grabbed one of the boy's backpack straps and stopped him from walking any further. "Let's go do something new, Chanhee. It's always the same thing coffee shop, your house, and then some random park, let's do something fun," he proposed, an excited smile resting on his lips.

"Something fun?" Chanhee whispered, "We have school tomorrow and now you want to try new stuff."

"Please~"

"Okay Younghoon—I hear you, but we did all the fun stuff around here already. We've gone to museum's and the movies...we've been to the mall a thousand times. There's just nothing over here."

A small frown formed on Younghoon's lips before he reluctantly nodded. "Then let's plan something for the weekend. We can drive to the next town or something."

"Then let's just go to my house now...you can research these other towns and I can do my homework."

"Perfect," the elder agreed as he linked arms with Chanhee, pulling the boy towards the door.

"Younghoon?"

The two froze at the voice behind them, Chanhee's arm quickly falling from Younghoon's. Taking a step away from the younger, Younghoon slowly turned around and saw Juyeon staring back at him with wide eyes.

"Is there something going on with you two?" Juyeon continued, his words frantic yet harsh as if he was scolding his friend while also desperately hoping there wasn't anything going on.

Still frozen in place, Younghoon only looked at his friend, his heard beating so rapidly in his chest that he couldn't think. When he finally found his composure, all he could do was hopelessly shake his head.

"Then what the hell are you doing with him?"

"He..." Younghoon started shakily, his voice cowering in his throat, "he's tutoring me in math—that's it."

"He's your math tutor?" the boy pried, not completely understanding why he needed a tutor in the first place.

Forcing himself not to look back at Chanhee, he nodded and said, "if I'm not playing basketball in college I need to be good at something."

"So...you and him, there's nothing going on?"

"No. He's nothing to me." As the words left his mouth, Younghoon felt his heart drop into his stomach. "Juyeon—I gotta go."

"Younghoon!" He heard his friend scream from behind him as he set off to find Chanhee.

Feeling his lungs burn as he ran through the parking lot, Younghoon forced himself to keep going until he made it to Chanhee's still parked car.

"That's bullshit and you know it!" Chanhee hissed as he unlocked his car, eager to get as as far as humanly possible from his boyfriend.

"Chanhee—just listen to me I—"

"Your fucking math tutor?! That's all I am to you!?" The words came from deep down in Chanhee's chest, ripping all of the oxygen from his lungs. He felt his eyes well with tears before he continued, "Y'know—I've never been mad at you, Younghoon. I've been upset with you before but there's always something you do to make it up to me—but right know I don't know if there's anything you can say to me that won't make me feel so...so horrible."

Younghoon took a step towards the younger, the frown on his lips only deepening when the boy backed away from him. "I'm sorry," he pleaded, "I wasn't thinking about anything—I wasn't thinking about you and I'm sorry. Juyeon he—he would've told everyone if he even thought we could be together."

"Is it selfish that as the weeks go by with you, the worse hiding our relationship makes me feel? It gets tiring y'know, never being able to be your boyfriend—not even your friend, just a math tutor. It feels like that's all I'll ever be with you, Younghoon, because what happens when we get to the point where we can't hide things?"

He could only stare at Chanhee while he spoke, wishing he could reach out and wipe the tears from his cheeks. Chanhee never cried. But now, he was crying because of Younghoon. It was his fault that everything was falling apart, yet there was nothing he could do. At the end of the day, Younghoon would never have enough courage to stand up to his father and it wasn't fair that it had to be both of their problem.

"Do you remember what I told you when I first asked to be your friend?" Younghoon asked softly, his eyes falling down to his shoes.

"Younghoon..." the younger sighed, "what are you talking about?"

A sudden silence overcame the two as Younghoon convinced himself that there wasn't a way to make this work. Chanhee needed somebody that could tell everybody he loved him and protect him from idiots that didn't understand their relationship. "I told you if I messed things up again that I'd leave you alone for good," he spoke finally.

"Are you...are you breaking up with me? Last week you told me you loved me and I—"

"I do love you Chanhee! But this...us...it isn't going to work out! I was stupid to think I could make things work because I can't, Chanhee. We both know I was never going to be able to say fucking word to my dad and this...this was just another stupid fantasy that I had."

"So you're just done then...?" Chanhee asked, "with me?" 

Younghoon bit down on his bottom lip as two tears finally raced down his cheeks. "I think I have to be," he whimpered, "it'll be better for both of us this way."

"This is it then? After everything we've done—everything we've talked about? It's that easy for you, huh?"

Younghoon know if he stayed there just a minute longer, he would pull Chanhee into his arms and tell him he didn't mean any of it. So despite his own feelings, Younghoon nodded. As much as it hurt for him to lie about such a thing, he nodded, agreeing with Chanhee's words.

"Maybe I was right from the beginning—you do care about nothing but yourself, Younghoon."

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