aversion | bbangnyu

56

Younghoon couldn't focus. God knows he couldn't focus before his ex boyfriend was just across the room from him. But now all he could hear was the nonstop giggling of Chanhee and Changmin. He just wanted to know what could possibly be so funny on a Tuesday afternoon.

It had been a week and six days since they broke up. Since he broke up with Chanhee. Three hundred and twelve hours, eighteen thousand seven hundred and twenty minutes. Every one of those minutes that passed was a minute where Younghoon thought of Chanhee.

Things weren't getting easier, they got increasingly harder with every day. Chanhee had been his anchor and now everything was coming back to the surface. His parents were getting a divorce, his dad still expected him to pick a college, and all he could think about was his dead brother.

His stupid dead brother that made everything so much worse for everybody. If Younghoon saw the man again in his life, if he could go back in time, the first think he would do is punch the elder square in the nose. He would hit him and hit him until he couldn't tell it was his brother any longer.

Youngsik. Maybe Younghoon hated him so much because he wished it could've been him. Younghoon was the one who was on the other side of his father's fists after the pride and joy of the family killed himself. He had to deal with that and the grief of losing his older brother while his mother locked herself in her bedroom.

Instead of crying for his only sibling, Younghoon endured his father's words and then made sure his mother didn't drown herself in wine. Perhaps it helped her feel connected to her son to fill her lungs the same way Youngsik did.

Younghoon had gotten his mother back, but that was only after he babysat her for an entire year. Maybe if Youngsik was still alive, his father would've been content scarring his children with only words. Maybe if Youngsik was still alive his parents wouldn't have given up on their marriage.

His fingers tightened around his mechanical pencil, the lead stabbing into the palm of his hand as he listened to them laugh and laugh and laugh. He was almost angry Chanhee could be so happy when it had only been a week.

It was as if they were strangers once again. They were strangers in the same room yet Younghoon had kissed his lips. Chanhee's hands had explored his body in such a fervent ways...but now? Now they couldn't even make eye contact.

A part of him wondered if they'd both be better off if they hadn't met at all. Maybe if Younghoon had been just a little more persistent about getting his seat changed he wouldn't have wasted so much of Chanhee's time. If he had never kissed Chanhee in the parking lot that day—or asked to be his friend the next, they would've been actual strangers. It would've hurt a lot less that way.

✨✨✨

Younghoon sluggishly closed up his notebook and stuck his papers back into his folders before standing up and pulling his backpack onto the chair. As the classroom emptied out, Younghoon noticed Chanhee walk up to their teachers desk.

They talked for a moment before Chanhee headed for the door, him and Younghoon being the last ones left in the classroom. Slinging his barely zipped backpack over his shoulder, Younghoon's feet moved before his brain could process.

"Chanhee."

Chanhee. His name felt so foreign in his mouth. Each letter stung as it fell past his lips. You could remember a every memory just by saying somebody's name.

Chanhee froze at the sound of Younghoon's voice, sure he had just imagined it. He hoped he imagined it because it would kill him to talk to the boy he missed so much.

"Chanhee," Younghoon repeated. He almost wished Chanhee wouldn't turn around. It would give him a sense of closure if the boy just kept walking.

Almost as if he was trying to spite the elder, Chanhee spun around on his heels, the boys face to face for the first time since they broke up. "What?" Chanhee asked, his voice so quiet it was obvious he was trying to hide any semblance of emotion.

Younghoon wanted to reach out and run his fingers through Chanhee's faded blue hair. He wanted to ask Chanhee if he hated having a constant reminder that he was let down. He looked into Chanhee's eyes and hoped he would find all the answers to life itself.

"Is there something between you and Changmin?" The second those words left his mouth, Younghoon wished they hadn't. He wished Chanhee hadn't stayed to talk to the teacher and most of all wished he hadn't followed the boy.

"That's the first thing you say to me?" The younger asked, his eyes glossed over not from sadness but from an overwhelming anger. "That's all you care about!?"

Younghoon jumped as Chanhee raised his voice, but he knew he deserved a lot more than getting yelled at in the middle of the hallway.

"Is that how you see me, Younghoon? You think that a week and a half is enough for me to forget about everything that happened!?"

"I'm sorry," Younghoon whispered.

"I still don't get it. I don't fucking get it! Is that just how you are? The second one little thing goes wrong you bail? Did you actually mean it when you said you loved me—or did I just make you feel like you were different from everybody else for once in your life?"

"I'm sorry," Younghoon sobbed as Chanhee left the hallway, "I'm sorry. Im sorry."

He sunk down against the lockers until he hit the floor and he cried. He cried and cried until he couldn't cry any longer. Of course he fucked it up again—he was Kim Younghoon. That was what he did best.

———
Ugh I keep re reading the last few chapters and I really like the ending. I don't know if everybody will be satisfied with the ending but I think it's so pretty

I'm already thinking of a sequel but that's such a big commitment 💔

Anyway, Thanks for reading