aversion | bbangnyu

62

"Isn't it going to be awkward on the way home? You don't have come if you don't want to—I can just call you tonight."

Chanhee looked up from where he sat on the hardwood floor of Younghoon's room, his grandparents old dog laying in his lap. "I don't really mind—I've talked to you mom before. Unless she doesn't want me to come—because that's okay too."

"I think my mom would rather you come with us...she really likes you."

Chanhee ran the palm of his hand across the sleeping dog's head and let out a small sigh. "If you're living on campus does that mean I can't come see Bunny anymore?"

"Nobody would care if you came to see Bunny—my grandparents like you more than me."

"They do not."

"I'd say it's pretty close."

"It's going to be weird," the younger started quietly, "not seeing each other every day."

Younghoon glanced around his almost empty room and nodded, "it's all weird. I'm still trying to process that we're actually going off to college."

"Hey boys," Mrs Kim spoke softly as she peeked her head past the doorframe, "I think it's about time to go. Do you have everything you need, Younghoon?"

Younghoon quickly walked over and plucked the dog from Chanhee's lap, hugging her against his chest. "Ok—I'm good now," he said hesitantly before setting her back down on the ground.

"Let's go," Chanhee smiled as he grabbed Younghoon's extended hand, hoisting himself off the ground.

✨✨✨

A sigh fell from Younghoon's lips when he set the last box down in the center of his dorm room. He watched as Chanhee pushed his way past him to sit on the box, exhausted from walking up and down stairs all afternoon.

"I think that's everything," the elder breathed out, glancing across the bland room. There was a lot of unpacking that needed to be done, which Younghoon was not excited about. However, he didn't seem to have a roommate yet and he was desperately hoping that the empty bed across the room stayed empty.

"You need some posters or something," Chanhee muttered as if he could read his mind, "it's so boring."

"I probably won't have much time to look at my walls anyway..."

Younghoon's mother rummaged through some of the boxed scattered across the room, trying to locate basic necessities the boy would need for the night. "Oh the first week won't be that bad—you'll have time to decorate.

Letting his fingertips tap along the ridged edge of the box he was sitting on, Chanhee hummed, a sigh quickly following. "Mrs Kim," he started hesitantly, "would it be alright if me and Younghoon talked alone for a few minutes?"

The woman shot him a confused look but still nodded, "I'll just go make sure that we got everything out of the car."

As she walked out of the room, Chanhee walked over to the unmade bed and sat down on the edge. He patted the spot next to him, "come sit by me."

Although he was reluctant because of the strange look resting on the boy's face, Younghoon still listened and sat down in front of him.

A soft smile flicked across Chanhee's face before he placed a hand on Younghoon's cheek, simply looking into his eyes for some time. He leaned forward and captured his lips in a gentle kiss, wishing he didn't have to speak at all. "I love you," Chanhee whispered against his chapped lips, "I love you, Younghoon."

"I know...I love you too, Chanhee," the elder responded halfheartedly, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I love you, but—"

"But?"

"Let me say this," Chanhee spoke, "I've been thinking and thinking for months now—and I want to be with you, but I can't. We can't. I don't doubt that I love you or that you love me—but we couldn't have gotten together at a worse time."

Not needing to hear anything else, Younghoon quickly shook his head, eyes welling with tears. "You can think about it some more—you can't leave me," the boy pleaded, choking on his words.

"We haven't known each other that long—and we're young—we're so young. I shouldn't feel like I can't live without you, Younghoon—but I do. It's going to kill me that we're so far apart and that's why we need to this. I don't know what the hell love is to me and I can't figure it out right now. We both need to focus. You need to focus on making your family proud. Make me even prouder."

"I can't do this without you..." Younghoon whispered, two tears racing down his cheeks and falling into his lap, "you're the only reason why I've gotten to this point—I can't do it without you."

Chanhee sent the elder another smile and reached out to hold his hands. "You don't need me to do anything. You're strong and you're smart. I believe in you—I'll always believe in you no matter what we are."

"I don't want to break up with you."

"We never got back together," Chanhee teased, tears of his own bubbling in the corners of his eyes, "let's just take a break. Let's just be teenagers and experience life. Maybe in four years you'll realize that maybe you don't love me as much as you think you do."

"I won't—I won't love anybody else."

Chanhee reached out and placed his hands on either side of Younghoon's face before wrapping his arms around the elder's trembling body. "God—you're making this so hard."

"Then don't do it."

"I need time. Even if it hurts both of us I need time to know who I am without you and I think you need the same thing."

"Don't let go of me. Don't ever let go."

✨✨✨

"Did you and Younghoon break up?" Mrs Kim asked softly as she drove home with a suddenly pensive Chanhee on the passenger seat.

"Yeah—I think that's what happened. Well we're taking a break."

"I love Younghoon," she started, "and I gotta say, I love you too, Chanhee, but I think it'll be good. That boy adores you so much sometimes it scares me. Younghoon loved his older brother almost too much and when he passed—it was really hard. I think that because of the way he was loved—or wasn't loved he lives because of people. I just want him to know he's enough of a reason to live too."

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