he saved me

awakening

Y/n's pov:

I slowly wake up, not fully aware yet. I suddenly scream out in pain, my head hurts and I feel like I got hit by a truck. I open my eyes and images flash before me I remember everything. The feeling of pain, guilt and most off all grief. When I look at the sad a worried face of severus - who is laying on the bed next to me- the red marks around his eye initiate  that he had cried. New feelings came washing over me, shame, worry and regret. I didnt want to feeling any of this, I still want to die as much as I did before. But now I've come face to face with the consequences, of hurting the once who love me, the once i love. The love always held me back of commiting, but in that moment of darkness and pain its like I forgot love ever existed. I take a deep breath and feel the air fill my lungs. Every movement, every breath hurts.
" don't try to move too much " severus said as he woken up from his sleep. I stair in his deep brown eye as it regains its glow while they look at me. I tried to form words but only a sound of gibberish came out as I break down in tears.
"I'm so sorry" I weeped and cried my eyes out.
"Hey hey, look at me" severus said in a soft voice, trying to get my full undivided attention. He got up and layed himself next to me, gently placing my head on his shoulder. My breathing slowed down as I listened to his heart beat and his soft calm voice saying: " I'm not mad you, your in pain I understand. we will get through this. And for the record it's not your fault, you didn't kill her oke? I know it hurts, but you will be oke, we will be oke". He kept laying next to me, holding me. I didnt need anything more. I didnt feel like talking about it yet, and severus was oke with that. I didnt need to talk about it to feel his comfort. I was really relieved to hear that he isn't mad at me, I could bear to see him disappointed in me. Just like he was when I got the dark mark.

I closed my eyes for a moment and fell asleep on severus when I heard a noise.
"I'm sorry, its oke go back to sleep. I just came to see how you were" when my eye sight recovered from the sunlight I saw that fred was there.
"It's oke, I wanted to talk to you anyway" the moment I said that severus left to give us some privacy. He usually isn't really a fan of the weasly since they don't listen to the rules much. But I feel like he's been nicer to him recently.
"How are you doing" fred asked shyly.
"Could have been better, yk with the dead mommy thing" I shuckle awkwardly.
"You really scared me, there was so much blood. Don't ever do that again, I can't loose you" fred walked up to the bed and came sitting next to me.
"I'm sorry, I promise I'll try to do better" I took his hand and looked him in the eye.
"Did you really mean that you don't want to loose me, ever?" Fred smiled at me and held me close.
"Ofc I mean it y/n, I want to be with you"...
"Y/n do you want to be my girlfriend? Wow I wanted to ask that for so long"
We hugged and I give him a small kiss on the cheek. We were both smiling.   " I HAVE A BOYFRIEND " I yelled out in celebration.
I really love fred, but I'm scared aswell. I have alot of issues and I don't want it to hurt him. Fred stayed with me for a while before he left to class. When I was finally alone, I let out my tears. Everything that happend to me still feels so new. My head started to fill with memories. The rape, the abuse that my father did to me. My moms alcholisme, my suicide attempts. The dark mark, and my mother's death. I felt anger and sadness. I regret trying to kill myself, I didn't realies what it would do to people around me. But I stil very much wanted to die. Or atleast, I want everything to stop. I started to panick As my head filled with suicidal thoughts again. The anger kept rising. I was angry at myself, at the world. My eyes started glowing a green colour, green particals around my hand just like last time. When I was with the dark Lord. I was bodeling up.  Severus came in the room. He looked so scared.

"Y/n?"
" it- it won't stop" I look down at my hands as the green particals start to form in the shape of a flame. A shiver runs over me, causing me to straiten my spine as I look up. Feeling out of control. The flame starts to grow and slowly spreads up my body.
"Severus help me" I called out in distress.
" okey y/n you need to calm down, listen to me oke?" He said as he took a step closer still keeping a safe distance.
"Calm down?! My hands are litterly on fire" I screamed at him
" I can see that, but y/n you really have to listen to me. Your emotions will only feed the fire, remember"
Severus gave me small cursus on how my wandless power work , atleast in theorie. My powers peak at hightend emotions. When controlled it can be a big advantage. But when I cant control my emotions, my powers can be very dangerous even lethal.
" right now you are feeling angry, your anger is feeding the fire. All you have to do is think of things that calm you down are that make you happy"
At this point the fire spread up to my elbows. I stept away from the bed into the corner of the infirmary, afraid to hurt severus.
"My mom died severus, there isn't a single calming or happy thought in my head" I said as I cried even more.
"Think of me, thinks of our happy moments. Remember that day on the ice, in that moment you where truly happy. I had never seen you smile like that. And and think of that weasley boy, apparently he's your boyfriend now. Thanks for telling me"  I let out a small laugh. The fire is slowing down, and so is my breathing.
"Severus keep going" I said to him.
"Eem eeem. Think of your friends, how the weaslys took you in after your dad Hurt you. How luna was always there for you. And how harry hermoine and all the rest wanted to help you to find me. And how they say by your bed when you where still unconscious" the flame became a little smaller but it was still very much covering my arms.
"Think of this school and how much you love it"
"It's not working anymore severus "
I look at severus,  he shaking and scared. He doesn't know what to say .
"You know what I was going to wait to say this but. Y/N I WANT TO ADOPT YOU" he screamed out those last words. The fire instantly disappeared, and i look at him I'm shock.
"What?!" I say as I stand there still, looking I'm his eyes.