The Sphere

Chapter 12: Is This My Fault?

One morning, as I woke up from a deep slumber, I found myself lying there, completely still. My gaze fixated on the motionless ceiling fan as if we were engaged in a silent conversation that only we could comprehend. Glancing at the clock, I discovered it was a mere 5:30 in the morning. The nagging thought that occupied my mind was, "When will I finally be able to rid myself of thoughts about Norman?" It seemed like he was constantly on my mind, yet there were moments when I questioned whether it was truly what I desired.

Perhaps all this time, it was me who couldn't let go of him, constantly engaging in self-conversations. When it came to Norman and me, our issues were honestly beyond description. It was an inexplicable situation, one that I couldn't explain even if someone were to ask me why. Believe me, I've asked myself that same question countless times! Why did he walk away from me? What was it about me that made him decide to leave? What was going on in his mind?

At that time, I was honestly hoping that we would get back together. Actually, I wasn't just hoping, I prayed for it to happen! If I had followed my heart, I might have confronted him face to face and gotten all the answers I needed. But, unfortunately, I knew I wasn't that brave. Plus, it felt like a taboo and old-fashioned thing to do. Maybe it had something to do with gender. When I mentioned this to Gina, she had a pretty strong reaction.

"So what? Can't you find him now and get the answers you need? Why should we let ourselves be left hanging by a man? Just because we're women, we can't find the answers? Are there any rules about that?" Gina asked, sounding rather aggressive.

The answer to Gina's questions? Of course not! As far as I knew, there were no written rules about that. But just because it wasn't on paper, it didn't mean it didn't exist. The rule was there, embedded in the minds of many people, and it was their opinions that worried me. I chose to abide by that rule, that taboo. I believed it was a personal choice whether or not to stick to it. And had Gina been in my shoes and she would have wanted to go beyond the rule to find the answer, by all mean, get to town. I would never judge her because, once again, it's a personal choice and not something for me to criticize someone's life over. We all have our own ways of correcting what's wrong and living our lives the way we choose.

******

I went to Dr Love and had a chat with Ally about the whole Norman and I situation - yet again.

But this time it was not just with Ally, but also his three male friends who happened to be there as well. With white tops, white pants and brown shoes and hair so perfectly combed, they looked like a group of sailors, and I couldn't help but imagine them sailing away.

I wasn't sure why they were all dressed the same, and unfortunately, I did not get a chance to ask them. I had no clue about their occupations or any other details. However, their questions made me ponder many things and opened my mind.

As I sipped the hot Sabah tea that was made for me, I started to think that maybe the blame for the end of our relationship was not entirely on Norman's shoulders. Perhaps some of it was my fault too. Honestly, I felt like they were analysing me with all their questions.

The first question was about 'winning and losing' and it sounded something like this. 'When there was a friction or argument between Norman and I, who would tend to win? Was I someone who wanted to be right every time? Who did more talking or listening?'

As I sat there, memories flooded my mind. I tried to think back to all the moments I had shared with Norman, searching for an answer. And you know what? The only word that came to mind was 'rarely'. Yes, that's right. It may not have been the answer people were expecting, but it was the truth. Norman and I hardly ever fought or argued or anything like that. I knew my response didn't sound logical, and it made me feel a bit abnormal. I mean, all my friends would go on and on about the struggles, the fights, the break-ups in their relationships. But it wasn't just me. I remember watching this talk show a few years back, where Diane Sawyer interviewed the famous singer Barbra Streisand. Diane asked her, "Do you and your husband argue?" And you know what Barbra said? "All the time! But mostly it's about something silly." Then she turned the tables and asked Diane, "Do you argue with your husband?" Diane replied with a chuckle, "Rarely... Do you think something's wrong with that?"

Honestly, I wasn't sure if I could bring up any points, facts, or arguments during a crisis, and I knew Norman felt the same way. That's why we both tended to stay silent whenever a crisis occurred. We shared this 'I don't want to talk about it' attitude. It didn't matter how significant the issue was, we would just pretend it never happened. If something terrible happened between us on Monday, you can bet that by Friday, everything would be back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. We would both act like everything was fine, and there would be no signs of distress on our faces or in our body language. Absolutely none. Zero. Nada.

Their second question was a thought-provoking one - "Am I a jealous person?" Before I could provide an answer, I found myself pondering the true essence of jealousy. What did it truly mean? To me, there was a single word that encapsulated its essence - dislike.

With that in mind, I mustered the courage to admit that yes, I was indeed a jealous individual. Reflecting on the past, I couldn't help but despise those moments when Norman displayed excessive friendliness towards my acquaintances, as well as his own friends (including Ally and Gina). However, I chose to keep this sentiment concealed, for I believed that jealousy was an unbecoming trait to possess, let alone flaunt.

Not only was I feeling jealous, but I also knew that I had a tendency to be somewhat obsessive. When we were still together, I spent a significant amount of time scrolling through his social media. I didn't miss a single comment he made or received. I was so invested that I would track his every move, day and night.

However, this feeling was something I kept hidden beneath the surface. Nobody, not even Norman, could see it. I managed to conceal my jealousy and obsession for years.

Third question: "Did I assume he should know everything about me and what I had in mind?" In other words, was I being secretive and not straightforward with my thoughts?

Hmm... Yes, maybe. But it wasn't just me; Norman was also not very expressive. Maybe I can connect this to the first question. Whenever something happened, we would just avoid talking about it. It was at that moment when I realized that there were so many unresolved things between us. It felt like there was a simmering volcano beneath the surface, ready to erupt at any moment.

I was hoping that he knew everything about me, including what I was thinking. Likewise, it seemed like he assumed that I knew everything about him. Maybe I've watched too many romantic comedies. I mean, seriously, if we were truly meant for each other, we should be able to read each other's minds, right? What a fantasy!

Fourth question: Was I being selfish?

Absolutely not! Not even a little bit! I was completely certain about that. One hundred percent sure. It was him who was being selfish. But if the tables were turned, would he deny it and say no?

Fifth question: Was I being pushy for him to marry me?
Absolutely not. I had known him for a solid eight years, and if I had been pushy, I genuinely believed our relationship would have fizzled out within the first year. But it wasn't just me; Norman, too, was never one to push. At least, not to my knowledge.

Sixth question: Have I tried to change Norman into someone else?

Yes, I did. I asked him to be more like P. Diddy. It was only once, though, and it was on his birthday. As a gift, I gave him a shirt, perfume, and some other items from Sean Jean's merchandise. Does that count?

None of these questions were answered in front of those boys, anyway. I was pondering them in the car on the way home. There was no way I was going to admit that I had spent so much time obsessing over Norman and feeling jealous when he talked to Gina and Ally, right? I hoped these thoughts would stay locked inside me forever, and I prayed they would never escape my lips until the day I died.

But seriously, I understood why all these questions were directed at me. I knew the reasons behind each one. They forced me to reflect on myself, something that was difficult and rarely done during times of crisis like this. If anything, these questions made me realize that there was room for improvement, and that the past should remain in the past. The goal was to avoid repeating those mistakes in the future. But that led me to my own question: Could I start fresh, without Norman?