i laid there crying onto my mom as the boys stood around me with tears in their own eyes.
"mom? no mom please! i cant lose you please." i sobbed into her lifeless body.
"oh my god it hurts, it hurts." i sobbed as i held onto her for dear life.
calum gently reached for my shoulder and i pulled away and closer to my mom.
"no! no i can't leave her. she's going to come back." i cried into her body.
"bella, i'm sorry." calum spoke softly as he gently pried me off my mom so they could take her body away.
he held me up while i sobbed as they rolled my mom's body away.
after a few minutes of heavy sobbing i turned around and saw michael and ashton looking at me with nothing but sympathy.
"i give up." i whispered to calum as i pulled away from his arms.
"no, you're not allowed to." calum spoke firmly.
"you don't get to decide that!" i yelled as i stared up at him. "i'm tired, i'm done. nothing has gone right since the day mom was rushed to the hospital. absolutely fucking nothing! i can't fucking do this anymore! it never ends."
calum just stared at me with sadness.
"i want to go home. please, can you take me home?" i asked as i wiped the tears streaming down my face.
calum sighed, "i can't. i'm still on work hours right now."
"i'll do it." ashton volunteered.
i gave calum one final hug before leaving the hospital with ashton.
we got into the car and started to drive home.
i stared out the car window as we pulled out of the hospital.
"hey bella, i know this was hard, but please stay strong for us." ashton spoke softly.
"i already feel like i'm drowning right now." i mumbled.
we arrived at the house and i quickly walked inside. as soon as we walked inside, ashton's pager went off.
"fuck, i'm so sorry. i have to go. will you be okay on your own?" ashton asked.
i nodded stiffly.
i gave him a hug before he ran out the door.
i walked up to my room and sat on the bed.
for the first time in my life, i was really contemplating suicide.
maybe it was my only way out of this hell hole of a life.
i grabbed a pen and paper and began writing.
dear calum, michael, luke, and ashton,
i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for doing this to you. if you're reading this, i'm either dead or about to die. thank you for your kindness, all you have done is welcomed me into your home and i couldn't be more grateful. i don't deserve you guys.
calum, i love you. you saved me. you made me feel like just maybe everything was going to be okay. i loved all the movies and games we played. you made me feel like i had a parent who loved me again, which i never thought i'd ever experience again.
luke, thanks for helping my mom. i love you. i'm sorry for how this played out. you have one of the best smiles in the world, so don't lose it if i don't make it.
ashton, please continue to help people like you helped me. you saved me, but i sabotaged myself once again. never lose your laugh and happiness. i'll be watching from above, i love you.
michael, i can't even express how happy you made me when i needed it. i'm sorry for doing this and i hope you can find happiness. i love you.
this isn't your guy's fault. it's mine. i couldn't take it anymore. remember, i'm not that far away, just up in the stars.
i love you and i'm sorry,
bella
i put down the pen and went into the bathroom.
i grabbed a hidden blade in my bathroom drawers.
i turned the water on and sat down in the tub.
i felt tears enter my eyes, i was really going to do it.
i couldn't do it, without saying goodbye.
i shakily grabbed my phone and called calum.
"hey baby, you okay?" he asked almost immediately.
"goodbye calum, i love you. this isn't your fault. i'm sorry." i sobbed into the phone.
"what? bella b- i cut him off by hanging up.
TRIGGER WARNING (PLEASE SKIP BC ITS A DESCRIPTION OF A SU!CIDE ATTEMPT)
i slowly rolled up my sleeves and made deep cuts on both of my arms and laid there as blood was gushing out.
not even a few minutes later, i heard the front door slam shut and running feet up the stairs.
i heard banging on the bathroom door before it busted down revealing calum.
"no no no, baby stay with me! keep your eyes open! ashton call 911 now!!" calum yelled as he began to hold pressure on my wounds.
i felt myself slowly give out before seeing nothing but darkness.
