How do you heal?

Chapter 46: Midnights

Annie sat on the back porch in the cold, a large blanket wrapped around her, watching the first snow of the year come down. Her sleepless nights were becoming few and far between, especially since Alex had talked her into getting onto some sleeping meds, but they still popped up now and then. More so when she was stressed or her mind was racing. Tonight it was the latter. She heard the sliding door behind her open and a soft voice say, "Mind if I join you?"

She turned to see Loki standing in the doorway. "Not at all," she said and he stepped outside, moving to take a chair beside her. "You just getting home from work?"

"Yes and I need a little time to wind down before heading to bed, so." He gestured between them indicating why he joined her.

"Understandable." She replied and looked him up and down. "Did you know you are covered in glitter?"

He chuckled. "It's an unavoidable occupational hazard I'm afraid." They both went quiet for a few moments watching the snow fall silently. "I've been meaning to thank you."

"For what?"

"Inviting me to your family dinner the other day. I thoroughly enjoyed it."

"I'm really glad you came, although I am sorry you couldn't be yourself around them."

"What do you mean?" Loki asked as he cocked his head.

Annie pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders. "I mean having to be Iris, not getting to be you. I know what it feels like to have to put on a show around people. It can get frustrating."

Loki smiled. "Annie, Iris is me. Yes, the backstory is a lie but my personality, my likes and dislikes, my charm all remain the same. Even the name and form are things I chose for myself so they are a part of me. I wasn't putting on a show."

"Really?"

"Yes, and I had a lovely time with your family. They were all wonderful."

"Well I am glad you enjoyed it and them. I know they can be overwhelming sometimes."

"They are quite fertile aren't they?"

Annie covered her mouth to muffle the laugh that escaped her. "That they are."

They fell silent again and Loki thought back over the dinner he had shared with the Eastons. They all seemed so close and interacted with the newcomers with such ease. They were comforting to be around, their joy infectious. He turned to Annie. "Do you miss them? Being so far away and all."

She sighed but kept her gaze on the snowy landscape. "Not like I thought I would. I mean, yes, I definitely do but the compound is a different kind of family. Not a replacement, just an extension."

"Do you ever think about coming back here, leaving the compound?"

She pursed her lips in thought before turning to him to answer. "Not in truth. It will cross my mind as an idea when I miss the kids' birthdays and sports and plays and such but," she trailed off and he could see her face scrunch as she was trying to put her thoughts into words. "Making people's lives easier while getting to do things I love feels good in a way I'd lost. I used to work a really stressful corporate job and things like cooking and baking and reading, things I liked to do, all got pushed to the backburner. My job wasn't great but the pay was and at the end of the day I got to come home to the love of my life and put all the rewards of going through that stress into feeling good with him. Being with him was like a high, I loved him so much that if I went through a thousand years in hell but got to come home to him it would have all been worth it. Losing someone that means so much to you, it changes the core of your being and you have to learn to live differently."