the Devil and the Sea

18| BBQ: Doubts

I dreamily roll over in my bed. I look at the renovated ceiling after the repair. The room looks so bright and fresh. A new blank sheet is ready for painting.

Today is Saturday, the fourth of August and everyone is going to party by the sea. Everyone but me.

I'm glad they're not hanging out with us like Phil insisted. I managed to convince my brother that they go have booze somewhere else, and not at our house.

I sit down at the table and turn on my laptop and, putting on my headphones, turn on the music. I open a word document. Fingers wander around the keys by themselves, typing words, phrases and paragraphs.

Someone touches my shoulder and I wince. I hurriedly fold the document of my strange thoughts and close the lid of my laptop, then pull out my headphones and look at Ricky, waiting.

"Will you come with us?" he asks, looking at my laptop.

I expected this.

"Where?" I stretch sitting on a chair and yawn.

"With Phil and the others to the beach for a posh barbecue." Ricky runs a hand through his hair - trying to make it look tidy.

"Posh barbecue? That's what getting drunk on a beach is now called?"

Ricky explodes in laughter.

"Well, I personally don't plan to get drunk."

"Can you stay here with me?" I look at him from under lowered eyelashes, the dimples on his cheeks disappear and his face takes on a puzzled look.

"I can not."

"Yes, you can." I glare at him menacingly, and I feel that he is tense.

"Don't start," he says.

I turn away and fiddle with my headphones.

"Go with us," he asks again after a while.

I really don't want to.

"Nope."

"Why?"

Because it will end badly for our relationship.

"I do not want to."

"Come with me, please, I really want to be with you." Ricky runs his hand through my hair, touches my back.

"Then stay."

"I can not."

I stand in front of Ricky with my arms crossed in front of me.

"Hanging out with friends is more important than being with your girlfriend? Or is it that she is no longer loved?" I meant to say it as a joke, but it sounded more like a stubborn declaration.

"Why are you acting like a bitch lately?" Ricky asks.

"Why aren't you paying more attention to me lately? You spend all the time with friends, and who will fuck me?" I glare at Ricky.

He sighs noisily and then walks over to me, taking me by surprise.

"I'm sorry," pulling me closer, Ricky hugs me.

Who is this guy and where did Ricky go?

Catching my eye, he continues in a voice full of tenderness:

"Let me stay there for a couple of hours, and then I'll come back and we'll do something together all night."

Lies.

"I know that you will forget about it," I look at him in disbelief, not succumbing to the embrace.

I know Ricky and I know he doesn't always keep his promises.

"I promise, I love you and you're more important to me than any party out there, so..." He places a short kiss on my lips, "...I'll be back soon and fuck you so hard you'll never think that we have problems."

Ricky looks at me for an answer, but I remain silent. Staring at the wall is much more interesting than listening to empty promises.

"If I'm more important, then why the hell are you going there?"

"Why don't you want to come with us?"

As usual, he answers an uncomfortable question with a question.

"Because no one invited me." My annoyance comes out by chance.

I haven't seen Phil for a long time, it's like we stopped talking. This makes me feel very uncomfortable.

"Actually, your name came up." Ricky says, and something inside me freezes at the thought that it could be Vincent.

"Phil spoke about you." Well, of course, Ricky's voice destroys all my hopes.  "let's go, all of us will be there."

"Too bad Phil didn't call me in person. Besides, I'm sure it will be boring there, so I'd rather spend time by myself."

...and in anticipation of whether you will fulfill what you promised.

"Okay, then wait for me," squeezing my buttock and kissing me briefly on the cheek, Ricky walks to the door.

I look at his back and decide to warn him, hoping that this will influence his actions:

"There will be no one at home except me until eight in the evening."

"OK, I'll come," Ricky replies enthusiastically and closes the door behind him.

Why do I still hope for something?

I go to the table and flopping back into the chair, turning on the music. My gaze falls on the time - it's six pm already.

Surely Vincent will go. Well, of course he will. One hundred percent will. But I can't show up, I want to, but I can't. This has to happen in some other way.

Can I find Vincent on social media? No. I know almost know nothing about him, only his name and where he came from. We never really spoke at all. Drunk delirium and abrupt phrases do not count.

More than an hour goes by and I can't sit still. I am not allowed to immerse myself in music by obsessive thoughts: is Vincent there? Does he drink? Or maybe he has already started a romantic relationship with Marina? Did they kiss? Is Ricky going to come back at all?

This party is for me. Why am I not there? How can I get there now? I feel like I should be there, but I'm not sure I understand exactly which beach everyone went to. Why did I stay away today?

Something unknown pulls me there with great force, and the more time passes, the more difficult it becomes to resist it. I think about how to unobtrusively join the party, but I don't come up with anything.

Vincent questions swirl in my head: how long has he been wearing glasses? What has he seen in his life? What touched and impressed him the most? Does he really not love his girlfriend? Do I like him? Why is he calling me the devil? Why am I thinking about him all the time?

I look at my watch: it's been more than two hours, which means Ricky forgot about the promise. I'm not angry, I just sigh indifferently - I'm already used to this. Ricky is easily lured and quickly forgets his commitments. Or he doesn't want to come to me. To be honest, lately I have not been the ideal girl, but he is not an amazing guy either.

My thoughts will drive me crazy if I don't get to where everyone is now gathered except me. I listen to the song by and turn off my laptop and go to smoke.

I leave the house and unexpectedly for me, Marina and Vincent enter the yard. My heart immediately reacts like crazy.

How fortunate.