the Devil and the Sea

68| Ultimatum

However, my answer does not surprise him, rather he is interested. Vincent sighs noisily and looks through me thoughtfully.

I want to scream, but I start laughing. Yes, I just stand there and laugh, looking at Vincent like I'm crazy. Contradictory feelings tear me apart, and I no longer understand where the real me is. Am I the one who fell in love with Vincent and wants to be with him, or the one who wants to see things through and revel in her "victory"? A pointless victory.

Vincent watches me with bewilderment on his face. Only now it doesn't occur to him that I'm just confused and afraid to open up. I cannot admit that I would like the same as him, but I will never be able to decide on this, I simply do not have the courage.

Initially, I just wanted to have fun, but Vincent ruined everything. And what will he lose in the end? The more I think about it, the more stupid this idea seems. Yes, maybe he will break up with his girlfriend, so what? He was going to do it without me. Well, will he suffer a couple of weeks after we say goodbye? But what's the difference? He already fucked me.

I clench my fists as I consider this.

No, I don't feel anything for Vincent, except perhaps annoyance. All these falling in love is just an overactive imagination. The fluttering in the stomach is nothing more than nostalgia for a long-forgotten sensation.

I look into blue-gray eyes and reach into the pocket of my shorts, pulling out a pack of cigarettes without breaking eye contact.

With my calmness, I want to show him that I don't care, that I don't care much about all this, that I am absolutely carefree about the current situation.

Vincent holds out his hands to me, but I take a step back. I take out a cigarette with a lighter from the pack and calmly light it.

"Let's not fight," either he prays, or he orders. "It's completely pointless."

"I don't intend to quarrel with you," I answer in a bored tone, and exhale smoke.

Vincent tries to catch my eye, but I look everywhere but at him. If I look, I'm afraid that I might burst into tears, because I'm really upset, and for some reason the mask of calm doesn't work anymore.

"I thought you were upset."

"Why all of a sudden?" I give him a short look full of surprise, "you are nothing to me to be upset that we will not succeed."

To add weight to the words, I grin, looking haughtily at Vincent.

He closes his eyes, throws his head back, runs a hand through his blond hair, then turns his eyes back to me.

"You're right." His voice is muffled and somewhat depressed. As if he was counting on a completely different outcome in the conversation.

I would like to go up to him, hug him and tell him that we can handle everything. But is it appropriate? I'm not sure that "we" even exist. Even if I try to calm him down, our possible further coexistence does not depend on me.

"Give me one too," Vincent demands, nodding at the cigarette in my hand, and I comply.

A sense of hopelessness has followed me ever since Vincent offered to go with him. I still can't make out if he was serious or just a well-planned move to embarrass me. I lean more towards the second, because the idea is crazy. In addition, he bluntly stated a couple of minutes ago that nothing would come of it. He himself is not sure of anything, what then can be expected from me?

Vincent sat down on a bench with his back against the wall, not looking in my direction. Just smoking.

"You're strange," he says after a while, still, without looking at me, "mysterious and completely secretive," he tilts his head to the side and finally casts an unexpected warm look at me.