the Devil and the Sea

59| Mansion party: Facing Old Demons

Jesus enters the room and plops down on the couch in my place. I go up to him and angrily take away the glass he brought for me. I puff on the smoke, looking into his eyes, and don't break eye contact when I finally exhale. These cigarettes are strong. So, I shed a tear. Jesus snatches a cigarette from my hands and gives it two long inhales. I laugh at the way he complains about my addiction without saying a word.

I turn around to leave, but Jesus' arms wrap around my waist and pull back, so gently that the alcohol in the glass doesn't spill. He puts me on his lap, snuggles close to my back, putting his arms around me to put his chin on my shoulder.

Carmen talks about a recent "incredible" party they just had and shows me Instagram photos that I already looked at while driving in the car with Jesus.

Jesus lights a cigarette and I snatch it from his fingers and take a greedy puff while looking into his eyes and puffing out a cloud of smoke. I don't consider myself a smoker, but whenever I feel shit is coming my way, nicotine drives the haze away. Some people do ecstasy, but I promised myself never to come closer than two inches to this poison.

I finish another glass of alcohol. Carmen pulls me out of Jesus' arms and we go dance, alcohol in my veins already enough to agree to this. Others follow us, too.

I hear the song Leave Before You Love Me - Marshmello and Jonas Brothers and smile from the top of my head wondering why this particular song started playing.

Caught in the heart of the crowd with my old "friends", I let the music take over my body, and dancing in the company of Carmen, I realize how much I missed this raw primal fun.

"We are dancing on the edge, everything is about to go too far, playing with your heart is such a hassle for me." I yell at the ceiling, singing along to the song and hear Carmen laughing. Everyone turns to me, but I don't pay any attention, just shout out the lines of a popular song that I know from nowhere. But that's always the case with popular songs, right?

I move my hips and enjoy this evening away from Vincent, although everything reminds me of him, even this fucking song seems to be screaming at me to quit everything I started.

I remember Vincent said that he was having phone sex with a girl and that he is probably doing it right now. I do not expect him to break up with her, he did not say anything about this. In addition, I myself marked his place in my life when I said we were just a summer affair.

I take Carmen's hand and lead her to the place where the DJ is. I lean against the table and playfully look at this guy in the headphones. He smiles his dazzling smile and freeing one ear from the earphone reaches for me. We look into each other's eyes, mine drunk and perky, his cheerful and expectant. I open my mouth and he puts his ear quite close.

"Are you having a good time?" I shout over the music.

"Yes, congratulations on your return, whatever that means." He screams and we laugh together.

I look him over.

"You have a cool T-shirt, you look cool in it, I was even worried while walking towards you. But black would suit you better."

His lips stretch even wider and he looks down.

"Thanks babe. You look much more attractive than any other girl here," he says, moving his shoulders to the beat of the music. "Sorry, honey," he says to Carmen. She smiles and gives him the finger.

"I won't sleep with you," I laugh.

His eyes widen, as do Carmen's.

"Just kidding," I touch his rather large biceps.