the Devil and the Sea

63| Lust ain't love

The next morning I open my eyes and the rays of sunlight hit my eyes. Still sleepy, not quite aware of where I am. After a couple of moments, the light green walls soothe, and then inspire panic.

Feeling Ricky's hand on my hip, I gently push myself up on my elbows, and blood rushes to my head, causing darkness before my eyes. I feel wildly tired.

Ricky sleeps next to me and I'm in his bed. Everything is so familiar: his room, the green walls, the bed I shared with him quite often, his shaggy black hair lying carelessly on the pillow, and most importantly, his smell.

Oh shit!

I squint at Ricky's face as I remove his hand; I carefully climb out of bed, trying not to wake him up.

I quietly make my way into the living room, and the dog, noticing me, jumps off the sofa. I curse in a whisper when the dog, clattering its claws on the parquet, runs towards me. Freezing in place, I listen to see if Ricky is awake as the pug rubs against my legs and wags its tail vigorously. I squat down and stroke the pug with my palm. Which is completely unnatural for me - no matter how much I was at Ricky's house, I was always very cold towards his pet.

"I missed you too, you shitty dog," I pat him on the cheek, he breaks free and runs into the hallway, grabbing the leash, he brings it and happily throws it at my feet.

"Well, no," I whisper to the dog, who stretches his muzzle to my face for hell knows why, "your owner will walk you, as I have other plans, sorry." I get up and go to the bathroom, putting the leash back on its place .

I quietly close myself in the bathroom, wash my face and brush my teeth. I should take a shower, but I don't have time - I'm going to leave before Ricky wakes up. Now, in the light of day, the idea of dropping by his house seems completely reckless.

Damn, I broke up with him a couple of days ago, and now I wake up in his bed again.

What the hell am I doing?!

And most importantly - what the hell was messing with this bespectacled man?

Yes, I'm talking about Vincent.

I wash my face with cool water and instantly feel relief. I look into my reflection and listen, afraid to hear Ricky's footsteps.

Then I think I'm going to come home and see Vincent, my heart skips a beat.

And when did I start acting so cowardly?

Why not just admit that I'm obsessed with this fucking bespectacled man and use Ricky to get rid of the tension that this guy from London is causing in me ?! I squeeze the edges of the sink with my hands, clenching my teeth tightly. Deep breath. Exhalation.

I know sleeping with Vincent so quickly was a big mistake and I'm going to have to face it when I get home; he'll tell me for sure when we meet. Or it will turn into something else.

I don't want to be used and forgotten.

I rest against the edges of the sink, with more force I squeeze the ceramics so that the knuckles on my hands turn white. I look in the mirror point-blank, and my reflection looks back at me.

"Listen," I say to the stupid girl who looks back, "I'm sorry, but you live in a fantasy world full of fucking vanilla dreams if you seriously think that Vincent will take you with him. You were a goddamn idiot for allowing yourself to revel in the thought that he would want to be with you."

I am disappointed, and with absolute indifference on my face, I show the middle finger to my reflection.

Error. Error. It was a fucking mistake.