the Devil and the Sea

74|Two-faced

"Ricky, please, I'm not in the mood to argue with you right now." I say when he comes very close.

So close I can smell his cologne.

"They say you're going to London?"

Everything inside of me is broken. How I wish it was true.

Who said that?

Damn Phil!

"I'm not going anywhere, don't talk nonsense."

Ricky looks at me incredulously, I act casual and calm.

"I was waiting for this to happen." Ricky stares at me, unblinking. "I didn't want to believe it, but I knew that sooner or later you would give free rein to your demons."

Ricky looks behind me, to where I said goodbye to Vincent a few minutes ago, and I freeze at the thought that maybe he saw us kissing.

"The more you suppress your feelings, the more they rush out – that's what you said, right?" His grin looks sinister.

I automatically turn around and look where Vincent has gone.

"Don't look away, look at me!" Ricky grabs my chin and turns me around to face him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You promised that you had changed, that you were not the same as you used to be, that I was special to you." He says, looking at me with a hateful look.

I silently look back at Ricky, not letting a single emotion show on my face. Frankly, he hasn't evoked much emotion lately.

"All your daydreams with Vincent are just that, a mere illusion. But here, with me, you have a reality. Come back to reality. I know you more than he will ever know you. Do you think when he finds out what you are made of, he will want to stay with you? That he will accept all this and still love you?"

Ricky is right and I really hate this. I'm afraid Vincent won't like the monster that lives inside of me.

He laughs.

I calmly think about what he just said. His words hurt a lot, but deep inside I know he is right, for Vincent I am just a nobody.

Inhale-exhale. I focus on Ricky's eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I push him in the chest, he takes a step back, but immediately comes back.

"What are you doing here anyway? You left me." I try to shift the responsibility to him. "I don't want to see you here anymore, you're on my territory, what the hell are you doing here?"

I see the pain in his eyes, but he suppresses it as well as I caused it.

"Oh, don't worry, I didn't come here for you." Ricky throws with a drunken grin and his words pierce my heart like sharp needles.

I want to scream at him. I want to hate him. But I can not. It's not Ricky's fault that I have built a castle of false hopes and fake dreams, it's not his fault that Vincent is bullying me.

Ricky turns around and takes a step towards the terrace , I automatically reach out and grab him by the elbow, trying to hold him back. Ricky jerks his hand away, but standing half a turn, looks at me expectantly.

I look at him, but my head is empty. All thoughts vanished in one fell swoop.

What do I want to say to him?

For some reason, the possibility of losing a friend like Ricky scares me. I really would like to be friends with him. But it's complicated because he is in love with me.

Ricky puts his hands behind his head, and then holds out the golden chain with the cross that I gave him and my heart breaks. He put it on before he came here to show me he doesn't belong to me anymore. It's just a farce, but it works for me.