the Devil and the Sea

14| Who is who?

I wait for Ricky to smoke his cigarette and move closer to him. I catch his eye and pounce on him with a kiss. I am very tense, we have not had sex for a long time, I urgently need a release... But he gently pushes me away.

"What?" I ask, trying to hide my annoyance.

"I need to shower first," he mutters.

"It didn't bother you before," I know that reproaches won't achieve what I want, but I'm already tired of it.

Ricky gets up and throws his cigarette out into the yard, I follow. I'm waiting for an answer, but he is silent.

"Don't blow my mind, okay?" he asks calmly and leaves the yard.

What?

I can't help but accuse.

"We haven't had sex for over two weeks!" I speak too emotionally.

Ricky turns around and calmly answers, looking over me:

"I told you before, I have problems now and I need time to deal with them. Why are you so selfish?"

"Am I selfish because I'm your girlfriend, and I ask you - my boyfriend, for a little attention?"

"I pay attention to you. We are together every day!" He answers in the same tone as me.

I open my mouth in amazement.

"What?! Ever since we got here, you've been with someone else all the time; sometimes with my brother, sometimes with friends, sometimes in stupid games on the phone. We just sleep next to each other. If that's enough for you, then it's not enough for me!"

Ricky looks at me silently. I have repeatedly started a quarrel on this basis and it seems that he has developed immunity to these claims.

"If this continues, we will have to part ways." I calmly warn him and hope to somehow get through to him, to somehow force him to change.

Anger flickers in Ricky's eyes, but then disappears. I have threatened him many times, but this does not lead to anything: the more he hears it without accompanying actions, the more it becomes an empty sound for him. We need to change something. But what?

"You can start searching for another guy right now," the tone of his indifferent voice hurts the ear.

"Okay, then don't say I didn't warn you." Now I'm talking rather casually.

"So you've already thought about it?" And who is this stupid applicant who is tired of his boring life and wants to dilute it with a toxic relationship with an abuser?"

The image of Vincent flashes through my head when he ran towards me with a smile, scoring a goal.

Wait, did Ricky say TOXIC relationships? Abuser?

My eyes widen in surprise and disgust.

"So this is how you see your relationship with me?" I ask.

"What surprises you so much?"

"Relationship with me..." I begin to defend myself, but Ricky interrupts me.

"Relationship with you - it's completely fucked up! You're constantly tossing the threat of a breakup. You criticize and try to convince me that without you I'm nobody, you insult, you don't respect, you try to control everything ..." he seems to take time to catch his breath and, throwing his head back, looks at the sky, then casts a short glance at me, but he remains silent.

The hatred in his eyes robs me of the air, but I maintain a straight face. I pretend like it doesn't concern me, like it's not about me, and it helps. I can't believe Ricky is saying this. How dare he claim that I'm an abuser? We had a great relationship ... We had.