The story of us // EmmettxOcxRosalie

Chapter 22 - Silly

!!! Trigger warning - panic attack !!!

Somehow I felt lost. And very lonely. With every step I walked away from them my heart got heavier. I knew they couldn't hear me when I said they should give me a little more time. Still, I felt the need to say it.

After that conversation I lost every little bit of appetite I had. The rest of lunch break I could pretend that everything was fine and that the Cullens just wanted to know something. After that I spaced out completely. One part of me felt numb. The other one irritated and lonely.

I couldn't walk any faster on my way home. When I came here it was August. Now it's October. It's getting colder and the rain was almost permanent here. It's almost two months I spend here. I had up and downs but if I had to choose I'd come here every time. Not because of school, the Quileute and the Cullens but Reah and Vince. We really got closer over the last weeks and I wouldn't want it any other way.

If the Cullen situation wasn't that complicated my life would be perfect right now. The more I tried to block the thoughts of them the more they came back. I just deeply hoped it would get better.

In fact it already did with them apologizing. They meant every single word they said. I knew that. Still, I had a hard time accepting when they couldn't even give me an explanation. Another thing that hold me back was that I went through similar things in the past. Except for there weren't such strong feelings on my side. It scared me.

Later that day I found myself reading. It was the only thing that could give me a few minutes without any thoughts about my life. I used to read all the time back at the children's home. It was my way of escaping reality. Especially when things got hard.

This time it was a little different. The book was a fantasy romance. When the main character got to the part where she talked with her best friend and realized she loved the enemy, it hit me. Everything that was said right there was the same I experienced.

A second later I found myself obsessively google anything that came in mind; Am I in love? Signs of being in love. How do I know if I'm in love? Body reactions when falling in love,...

I knew that was stupid. Cause I already knew the answer. Anything I read just confirmed it even more with a few exceptions. Now I was even more scared.

It was an overwhelming mixture of my racing thoughts and hundreds of emotions. I never fell in love before. Not one single time. I always wanted to have a special person in my life, no question. Especially after I felt lonely since I can remember.

Looking back it was more than obvious. The things I felt around them. The way I always thought about them. When I almost subconsciously painted their portrait. The savety I felt whenever I was near them.

Suddenly I felt the intense need to go outside. I needed to get out of my room, out of the house and even better: out of town. Last thing was impossible to do. Well, not really. I escaped a few children homes before and left the cities. But this time it was different. I had Reah and Vince. They really became parental figures for me in these two months. I could never bring myself to leave them.

Of course I still had doubts. Next month they would choose if they'd like to 'keep' me or not. Even though it seems great right now it could always change in seconds. That made me scared as well.

It felt like the walls get nearer. It felt like they were my enemies, trying to kill me. My breath got faster. The only thing I had in mind was getting out of here. As soon as I was outside the cold wind hit me. I forgot my jacket. But that was the last thing I minded at that moment.

I went in no particular direction. I just had to get away. Even if it was just for a few minutes. Without looking were I was going I walked faster and faster to the point I was running. It didn't take long and I found myself in the forest. I had no clue were I was. Instead of feeling panic I welcomed it.

Even though I still felt panic. But that was because of something else. Suddenly I felt something wet on my cheek. That's when I realized I cried.

My breath was way to fast. I tried to calm myself but that was hopeless. Whatever I tried to ground myself it didn't work at all. I had a panic attack. Again.

I focused on blocking my thoughts. Every time my breath calmed a little they came back and worsened my panic attack. I looked around me, tried to make out five senses so I could concentrate on something else. No chance.

I took a leave and ripped it apart in very little pieces. Trying to make the pieces as similar as possible helped only for a few minutes. I couldn't remember when I had a panic attack this bad.

My breath was out of control and the world started spinning. I leaned against a tree hoping that would stop it. No chance. Desperate I sat down and closed my eyes. My hands were busy going through my hair and I felt myself shiver.

I had no idea how long I had been there and I didn't care. It got darker and the rain was pouring down. My clothes were soaked. I was pretty sure that I lost consciousness a couple of times already. My panic attack got only a little better. My breath got near normal again but I couldn't stop my tears from falling and I shivered not only because of the coldness.

And I felt so damn lonely.

I just wanted Emmett or Rosalie or even Paul to be by my side. But I knew that this was just a silly wish of mine.