dispositional tendencies

85. everything's changed

before,

my dad and i would go grocery shopping together every saturday.

every week,

he would let me pick out a new candy bar from the checkout,

and he would pick a soda,

to split and try on the drive home.

and we would throw the wrapper and bottle away in the outside trash can,

so that mom didn't see them,

it was our secret.

now,

he doesn't even ask if i want to go with him,

he just leaves.

he doesn't go every saturday,

no more candy bar wrappers,

no more soda bottles,

no more fun,

just another obligation he has to fulfill.

before,

when i didn't have a phone or an ipad,

in elementary school,

i would go up to my room,

because it was my bedtime,

and i wasn't allowed to watch tv that late.

and then my dad would come upstairs,

to "say goodnight" to me,

and every night,

he would give me his phone,

to watch disney channel on,

for an hour every night,

when i was supposed to be sleeping.

it was out secret.

now,

i have a phone and an ipad,

and i don't have a bedtime,

and i don't watch tv downstairs with him.

i just leave,

and lay in my bed for hours,

with no intention of sleep,

or going downstairs.

now he doesn't come in to say goodnight,

and when he does,

it's just to tell me how he doesn't understand,

the person i've become,

just a burden for him to deal with.

before,

once a week he would ask me to go with him to the store,

so that he could buy himself beer,

and he always let me get a bottle of soda.

even though every time,

my mom would yell at him if she found out,

because she doesn't like soda in the house.

most of the time,

we were sneaky and poured it into a cup,

before she saw,

it was our secret.

now,

he buys beer whenever,

and doesn't ask me to join him.

he just leaves the second i get home,

leaving me wondering,

what happened?

why have things changed?

but then i realize,

it's me.

it's all my fault.

i did this.

everything's changed.