Better off dead

Better off dead chapter 16

Franks POV

I could feel the lingering burning sensation in my wrist from the unwanted, yet wanted, contact. The cuts from the night before, still practically fresh, needed anything but touching but all I craved was his touch. Even though the burning feeling hurt like hell it was what I craved, I wanted his contact.

I finished getting dressed before walking back out into the lounge where gerard sat looking as if he was contemplating the essence of life itself.

'Oh god, please don't be the start of an existential crisis!' I pleaded in my head before going and practically throwing myself at the seat beside him.

I wanted to tell him why I had freaked out at his touch, I felt bad, as if it looked like I had rejected him right after we had kissed.

Those kisses were really something, well on his behalf anyway, I was just thinking about gerard and Lego, mostly gerard.

Just before the words left my now open mouth gerard intervened, speaking his messed up thought shower into the comfortable silence of the room.

"Frank, you know how- wait I - no I can't... Ugh! Frank I want to tell you something but I can't and I want to tell you why I can't but I can't! Do you see my problem?" He frustratedly vented whilst moving his hair from his face.

"Yeah... there's something I need to explain to you as well, I might help you with what you want to say..." I lied, no matter what he was about to say it probably had nothing to do with this. This was my desperate excuse for an apology I wasn't even sure I needed to make.

"Sure, of course go for it." He smiled, obviously relieved by the 'it might help you tell me what you need to' statement.

"I'm sorry, gerard about earlier, when I freaked out I just... just, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was rejecting you or anything I just kinda got hurt..." I continued as I watched a small hint of relief come across gerard.

'Does this have something to do with what he was gonna say?' I guess in my head.

"It hurt, well it hurt because i... I cut gerard. I'm not depressed or anything like that I just do it..." I trailed off becoming slightly angry at myself for how pathetic I must have sounded.

Without even thinking twice gerard gently lifted my wrist, which he can grabbed earlier, and slowly rolled up the sleeve. Inquisitively, his eyes scanned up and down the various cuts and bruises as my eyes did the same to his face.

Almost without contact he ran a finger along the scarred slashes and spoke gently. "You're right, this does help with what I was going to say..." he looked up before pulling down my sleeve and holding my hand.

Confused I looked up to meet his intensely sweet gaze, hoping for him to shed some light on the situation.

'Oh man, he knows doesn't he? What's he gonna say about it? I hope he doesn't like find it offensive or anything, he is a vampire, he could see it as a waste of something he really needs!' My mind prepared for the worst, as he comfortingly began to rub his thumb over my hand before speaking.

"After I 'went away' I never left town, I just left your life frank. I still watched you, I just didn't contact you anymore. Even though I was keeping my distance over the years I still managed to protect you from everybody... everybody except yourself, frank. I watched the boy I knew I would love turn to drugs, alcohol and self harm right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything to stop it because I knew my presence would put in far more danger than you could ever put yourself in..." he trailed off, I watched tears brim at his eyes whilst I could hear the burning sensation in his voice.

"You know?" I almost inaudibly whispered to him, a sense of panic and relief coming over me and the same time.

'What if he thinks I'm just a drugged up teen who needs help? No, he loves me, I'm his mate!' My conscience continued its war on itself as my palms became sweatier anticipating his response.

"Yes, I know frankie, I know about it all. But there's one thing I can not fathom even after all this time and that is why you do it?" He genuinely spoke, his voice laced with kindness.

An exasperated sigh took over my body as I prepared for my speech I was about to give to Gerard.

'Get ready mister, I'm about to go all Dr Martin Luther King Jr on your ass...' I thought as I planned my words carefully.

"Well I guess it's kinda hard to explain, ever since I was about five or six I've had really bad dreams and slowly they faded into reality. I guess round about when you left. My distinction between the dreams and life was so blurry that I couldn't handle it any longer. One day, when I was maybe thirteen or fourteen and my life was as awful as it was in the dreams, I took the blade to myself and everything became clear again, I could feel something. I guess sometimes you need to bleed just to know that your alive..." I looked up into his eyes as he intently stared at me to continue.

"I need to know its real Gerard, I need to know its not just a nightmare..."