Ravaged (CHURCH SIBLINGS 3)

CHAPTER 35

Nakaupo ako sa balcony ng hotel room namin ni Jia— I am enjoying myself with a bottle of vodka. We're having a vacation sa Boracay with Jia's close friends. I can't push myself to join them.

"Iisipin ko na talaga na ayaw mo naman talagang sumama rito."

Nakuha ni Jia ang atensyon ko. She wrapped her body with a white cotton robe and her hair is undone and still wet. Kanina pa yata siya nakabalik mula sa swimming nila at mukhang nakaligo na.

"I just want to rest, darling."

Ngumuso siya. Mula sa mukha ko ay napunta ang tingin niya sa alak na nasa mesa. "Are you really with me, Saide? You've been acting strange since the dinner with your family."

I gesture her to come closer. I swiftly pull her on the waist and make her sit on my lap. I started kissing her neck.

"How much do you want me, darling?" I whisper on her ears. "Tell me."

I am so close to telling everyone on that dinner table at Ate's house about Stefano— about Cayenne— about everything that is going on in my life. But I can't put everyone in danger. Everyone is doing good except me. I am broken inside, I am far away from being fixed. Masyado ng malaki ang kasalanan ko na kahit pagsisihin ko habang buhay wala ng magbabago.

I want to blame everyone else— I want to be angry, be back at my old pathetic drug abuser self. But I can't do that to Stefano.

"So much. Kaya nga papakasalan kita, right?"

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya, nilapit ko iyon sa mukha ko para mas makita ang singsing.

"Punta tayo sa parents ko after natin dito. There's only rumors about our engagement, I want to make it clear to them."

I just listen to her planning things for us. Two years— she already wasted two years to me and here I am wanting nothing but my child's mother.

"Jia—" natigilan siya sa pagsasalita. Mabilis siyang napalingon sa akin. Ang ngiti niya na malawak ay nawala.

"Darling, is there a problem?"

Tinulak ko siya patayo, tsaka rin ako umalis sa upuan. Siya ang pumalit at may pagtataka sa mukha. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya na may singsing.

"I know I am an asshole but I don't want to hurt you more. I will only lie to you and potentially cheat on you. Jia, you are a fine woman. I love you but it isn't enough to marry you. I am sorry."

Napaawang ang labi niya habang tinitignan akong hubarin sa kanya ang singsing. Tumayo ako ng tuwid nang makuha ko na ang singsing. Inintay ko na dumapo ang kamay niya sa mukha ko pero sa halip ay ngumiti siya.

"Took you two years to be honest with yourself."

I was taken a back— Am I that obvious?

"Cayenne—" she said the name of the woman I long so much like it's a knife held on her neck. "Siya ang pinupuntahan mo sa London, hindi ba?"

I wanted to say no— to lie— I am desperate to save my pride but I couldn't even shake my head.

"You can't have her, Saide. She's married with your brother. Now, save everyone for trouble. Getting married or not I am not breaking up with you."

Jia acted like me breaking up the engagement didn't happen. She still wake up everyday and so happy to see me. I couldn't even feel na napipilitan lang siya— she is so confident I have no chance of getting Cayenne.

"I'll be back in couple of days— don't miss me much."

Jia is going home to Sorsogon, hindi niya ako pinilit na sumama sa kanya nang umayaw ako. For me, we're already broken up, things between us ended. Kung kailangan ko siya itulak palayo gagawin ko. Aamin na ako kay Cayenne, sa lahat. Aayusin ko kung may pwedeng ayusin, kung ipapakulong niya ako tatanggapin ko.