Random BMC + DEH stuff (+ Oneshots)

Mountain Dew Red (Kleinsen)

(Basically, Jared gets a Squip after the events of DEH to get Evan to like him. One problem. Evan is his Squip)

(First person 💻)

Shit.

Am I really about to do this?

Those were the only words on my mind as I held in my hand what appeared to be a wintergreen tictac, Mountain Dew clasped in my other. Both were shaking.

My cousin, Rich, had recommended these things to me called "Squids" or something. He told me that he has one and that's why he's cool? I honestly don't know.

Now that I think about it, he was probably scamming me. Nevertheless, I took his advice, and paid the listed price. He's worth possibly getting scammed.

Who's worth it, you ask?

Evan Hansen.

Yeah, the guy who kind of used me as a tool to make fake emails between him and some dead kid he never knew, only to toss me to the side when I was no longer of use… and I'm still head over heels in love with him.

I deserve it. Falling for someone I can't have. But hopefully now, thanks to this pill, I can have him.

And with that thought, I swallowed the pill and downed the entire can of Mountain Dew.

I stayed like that, leaning back against the wall in a sketchy alley for what seemed like an age. Eventually, when it appeared clear that nothing was going to happen, I sighed and stood up.

Less than a second after I stood, the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life shot through my body. I instantly doubled over, clutching my stomach, screaming like my life depended on it.

A robotic voice pounded in my ears.

"Target male: inaccessible"

I managed to shriek out a coherent sentence.

"OW! What the hell?!?"

The voice seemingly answered me.

"Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort"

Even in intense pain, I can't escape sarcasm, so I screamed back.

"MILD?!?"

The voice didn't respond immediately, leaving me in immense pain. Finally, it did.

"Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated"

Briefly, the pain stopped, and I stood up straight.

"Oh, that wasn't so-"

I couldn't even finish my thought before the voice spoke, and once again I was wracked with pain.

"Discomfort level may increase"

Only this time, it was worse. So much worse. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was probably loudly sobbing. I never cry in public, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't help it.

"Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jared Kleinman, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor… Your SQUIP"

Eventually, the pain dulled down and I was able to look up. What I saw was… Evan?

He smiled down at me.

"Sorry about that, Jared. I, am your SQUIP, and for you, I take the form of-"

"EVAN?!?"

He didn't appear annoyed by my interruption, and just continued.

"Yes, I take the form of one Evan Hansen. It appears he's very important to you"

I slumped back against the wall and didn't meet fake-Evan's eyes.

"Well duh, he's the whole reason I even took that dumb wintergreen tictac"

I looked up to see him staring inquisitively at me.

"I can get you whatever you want. Do you desire a friendship with Evan?"

At this, I laughed.

"Friendship? Yeah, no, I'm too gay for that"

The Squip nodded.

"Ah, I see. New objective: Have sex with Evan Hansen"

I almost choked on air.

"NO. NO! Oh my god, no, I don't want him to fuck me, I just want to date him. God, and I thought I was the kinky one"

The Squip quickly corrected… itself? Himself?

"New objective: Date Evan Hansen"

I sighed.

"Easier said than done"

The Squip smiled at me.

"Oh, you don't need to worry. With a Squip, guys will be throwing themselves at you in no time"

I kicked at the dirt, pouting like a 6 year old when I spoke again.

"I don't want just any guy. I want Evan"

The Squip nodded, ignoring my childish behaviour.

"All in good time. In fact, invite him over right now"

"Uh, how?"

"Do exactly as I say"

I took my phone out of my pocket and pulled up Evan's contact, writing out what the Squip told me to.

Eventually, I had a full message typed out.

Hey Evan, please come over in an hour. I want to talk. We both have a lot to figure out, and I think it would be best if we do it together.

I hit send. Time to go home.

11/2/23

Word count: 797

I'm probably going to make a part 2, I have a week off school so I have lots of time to write.