GAP 2: ROAD TO FOREVER

CHAPTER 6: MELTDOWN

I was blankly staring at the window when Sam woke up.
The first thing she did was hug me and then she cried some more.

M: Since when has my darling become a crybaby? Hmmmm I love you.
S: (Sam remained unmoving. Just silently crying.)
I tried prying her hands off so I can see her face but she won't budge.
I didn't really have a choice but to wait for her to calm down.
The silence was good for me, it gave me more time to think and to compose myself.
I still don't know what to tell Khun Sam about what happened that night.
I don't want to lie to her but I knew I had to.
It would be a whole lot more lying from here on out.
I gotta start somewhere.

When Sam finally calmed down, it was already time for dinner.
She still wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't let go of my hand but at least she stopped crying.
I don't know how long we've been here. Time seems to have stopped since I met grandma.
M: hungry. (I tried to see if it can make her elicit a response and it worked because she looked at me and when she saw that I was really hungry, reluctantly let go of my hands and went to buy some food.)
While Sam was out the gang came to visit me.
They told me that they have been waiting for a while but couldn't find the right time to come in.
Not with Sam being an emotional mess.
Thankfully no one told my parents. I don't know what to tell them so this isn't the right time to worry them.
The gang was really full of energy.
This was why I loved them. They always knew how to make me smile.

When Sam came back with food, the first thing she saw was my smile and she instantly felt relieved.
I saw her sullen mood lightening up a bit and pressured myself to smile even more.
When she saw that though she wasn't happy. Turns out I'm not such a good actor.
I can't even pretend to be happy sigh.

There was awkward silence in the room.
Everyone was looking at each other. Willing the other to ask the big elephant in the room.
I knew what they want to ask but I'm not going to volunteer to answer it.
Even up til now, my head Is still flooded with excuses that I know would ever work against them.

When I saw P'Jim open her mouth, I talked first to stop her from asking.
M: please don't ask.
Now the silence was becoming more painful.
I saw them looking at each other even more confused.
I see worry in their eyes but I can't comfort them coz I can't tell them the truth.
What they may be thinking is up to anybody's guess.
They're probably thinking of the worst based from all their facial expressions.

I found it comical so I laughed and that made them feel even more apprehensive.
M: nothing happened guys I just decided to lose weight by running that's all. I guess I just pushed myself too much.
Now that's that let's eat im hungry.
S: (Sam couldn't contain it anymore and decided to finally talk to me) do you honestly think that we'd believe that?
M: (I smiled knowing full well that I won't be fooling anyone with that excuse. I should've tried another but it's too late now. Coming up with another excuse would make things even worse) No (i gave up trying)
S: what aren't you telling me Mon?
M: (I looked at her, tears suddenly filling my eyes. Sam does that to me, she has always been my home. I can't pretend to be strong in front of her. For a minute I was so tempted to tell her everything. About the deal her grandma forced me to take or how I'm supposed to leave her after 3 months. How I don't know what to do and how I thought that dying was the better choice. Her grandma was right, I am weak)
S: ( when Sam saw me crying, she panicked and run to me. Hugging me made it even worse coz know I can't stop these emotions from flooding in. I was tired. I was tired of fighting with myself thinking I wasn't good enough to be with her. Tired of fighting for our love against her grandma. I'm tired of feeling left out and tired of myself for agreeing that I was tired and that I wanted to give up)
Why couldn't love be easy? Why couldn't it be as simple as loving each other and letting the world think what they want.
We don't owe anyone any explanation. We just loved each other, how is that our fault?
Is God punishing me for loving above my means? Am i supposed to let Sam go?
I guess fairytales were meant to be just fairytales.
The moment we start dreaming of them they let us awake to a harsh reality.

Time stopped again. I don't know how long it took for me to calm down.
I can see the awkwardness in the room.
The gang didn't know what to do.
They debated over should they stay or should they leave and couldn't decide against either choices.
They can't make themselves make a move, so they silently sat at the corner and looked at the wall.
while I was again having a mental breakdown all they can do is pretend not to hear.
Ahhhhh at least they had the decency to not stare.
Me and Sam were a mess right now and we honestly didn't care.
And before I knew it I fell asleep in Sam's arms... Again...
Yeah it has been an exhausting day. I pray that tomorrow will be a better one.

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