GAP 2: ROAD TO FOREVER

CHAPTER 42 : WATER

Mon's pov

Hmmmmm... It's finally quiet

I like it here.
If I knew that the water was my friend, I would've sought after it long ago.

I was tired...
The pain was unbearable
I'm a coward
I ran away, i know...
All i did was run away...
But i really didn't know what else to do.

I knew Sam was right in choosing her grandma

U should always place ur family first.

She did that once and I respected it and I know she'll do it again... as many times as needed.

Sam just couldn't turn her back on the people she loved.
That was one of the reasons why I loved her and I don't want her to ever change.

She knew how to give back to the people who loved her and took care of her, so I couldn't really blame her for doing what she thought was right.
Even if that means not choosing me.

She didn't know what I was going through,
I never said anything and that was my fault

I knew what her decision would have been but I still should have given her the chance to choose after knowing all the facts

In my mind, it was my way of sparing her the pain but It just made everything worse.

Now we're both suffering and we can't even be there for each other.

Deep down I knew, I didn't tell her because I was afraid to.

I was just making up excuses to save my heart and to blame someone else for my pain.

I knew but I still can't make myself feel better. I just can't make myself say that it was ok.

Because knowing is different from accepting.

I told myself that I accepted all of her, even her weakness.
But I guess I was a hypocrite because I loved her but haven't fully accepted the constraints of her love

I understood the reasons why but it doesn't stop it from hurting.

Sam, I was so scared.

U were everything to me.

Hearing you say, you wouldn't choose me despite knowing everything is something I couldn't bear so I didn't ask.

I'd rather not hear it.

I wanted to fight for you.

But when I knew what u wanted to say...
When i knew ur decision..
I was crushed.

I still struggled.
I said I could fight this alone and come back to you when i'm able to stand next to you

I thought this would work.

I thought if I gave it time, if I followed what ur grandma wanted, that we could be happy.

I just needed to stand firm and fight.

I just needed to hold on...

But i guess I overestimated how strong I could be.

Your grandma was right, I was weak.

I'm too weak to love you.

Would u blame me if I just gave up?

I love you but I can't deal with this pain anymore.

I can't fight for u alone.

I needed you to be by my side but u were never there.

My insecurities were already bad enough.