Trigger Warning- there will be a lot of talk about self harm, suicidal thoughts and Abuse. If this triggers you PLEASE skip ahead. I struggled with this myself and I am always here if anyone wants to talk.
You are 15
"Hey Y/N! Are you here?" My big brother calls out waking through the front door. I didn't think he would be here today. When we talked earlier he said he would be staying at the chateau. I go into full panic mode. I quickly wipe my tears and shove my razor blade into my make-up bag. "Y/N?" He calls again. "I'm in the bathroom!" I shout trying to stall. "Have you been crying?" He asked hearing how scratchy my voice was. "No. I think I'm coming down with something." I say washing my arms and hands to remove evidence of blood. I wince at the sting when trying to pay dry my arms before putting my sweatshirt back on to cover the 7 fresh lines on each my arms. "Are you ok?" He asked right outside the door. "Yeah. I'll be out in a second." I say putting my blonde hair down to cover my face and make it seem like I wasn't just crying. I hesitantly open the door and JJ looks me up and down. "You have been crying." He points out immediately. "I'm fine J. I just got worked up over a Tick-Tock video Mya sent me." He rolls his eyes. "I thought you how to lie Y/N/N. What is going on?" I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. My nervous habit. His eyes snapped to my arm. "Is that blood?" He asked snatching my arm. The blood had seeped through my pink hoodie. "Yeah. It's fine I got cut climbing the fence at the junk yard. It's old." I lie through my teeth. He looks me in the eyes drags me back into the bathroom and sits me on the toilet. "Let me see." He says calmly. "J I'm fine." I say plastering on a nervous smile. "Let me see. Now Y/N." He says in his big brother voice. When he used this tone you either fucked up real bad or you better fucking listen like yesterday. I hesitantly remove my arm from behind my back and hold it out to him. He closes his eyes for a second before kneeling down in front of me. I bite my lip to keep back tears as she slowly rolled up my sleeve. He said nothing for a solid minute. Just stared at my arms. Some old, some fresh, some slightly healed. It was just line after line. If I had to guess there was about fifty on each arms. He held out his hand and I pull my other hand from behind my back. He does the same thing again. Slowly rolls it up trying not to hurt me then stares at my arms. He says nothing and gets up. I thought he was leaving but he grabbed the first aid kit off the counter. "Squeeze my hand." He says holding out his hand. I was confused at first but he poured rubbing alcohol on my arm. It burned like a fucking bitch. I squeezed JJs hand as hard as I could trying to get rid of the pain. After a minute it faded and he did the same thing on the other arm. He put off brand neosporn on my cuts and rolled gauze around my arms. The white roll turning scarlet red. He just kept wrapping it. "Where is it?" He asked me avoiding eye contact. I point to my make up bag and he rifles through it. He shoves the razor blade in his pocket. "Only one?" I nod. "Up." He says motioning for me to stand. I pull my sleeves down and follow him outside. I was terrified. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was he mad at me? Did he even care? We walked about half a mile in total silence until stopping at a clearing. He sat down on the dock taking his shoes off and putting his feet in the water. "Come on." He says patting the spot next to him. I hesitantly take off my shoes and sit next to him. "Talk." He sighs. "About?" I mumble biting my lip. "About why you are dragging a knife through your skin." JJ sighs seeming annoyed. "Because I can't control my thoughts." I choke out. Hot tears were rolling down my cheeks. A lump was forming in my throat. My eyes were burning. All the signs of a breakdown. "What do you mean you can't control them? Like you want to- kill yourself." He struggles to say. I shrug. "Sometimes. It just seems easier that way." JJ couldn't even look at me. "It isn't easier." He says closing his eyes. "I cut because my mind won't stop. It just keeps going and going. Every time I close my eyes I see him hurting you. Or him yelling at me. Telling me I am a disgrace and that I am just like Mom." I say tears falling. He wraps his arm around me and I rest my head on his chest. His heart was pounding. "You are just like Mom Y/N. That is not an insult. You are strong and beautiful and brave. Never doubt that." He says gently. "I never knew her." I sob. "She was amazing. She was kind. Right before she passed we both had the stomach bug. She snuggled us all up in her bed. This is when Dad wasn't a raging alcoholic by the way. He made us soup while mom cuddled with us. We watched movies all night together. She would sing to you. You loved to sing with her." He tells me wiping a tear off his own face. "Thank you J." I say knowing how hard it was for him to talk about mom. "And about me... I am so sorry you have to see that. You deserve so much better." He says holding me tight. "It's not your fault JJ. It's not even Dads. It is mine." I say sobbing into his chest. For the first time since he saw my cuts me picks up my head so I was looking him in the eyes. "Listen to me Y/N. This is NOT your fault. You are a kid. It is not your fault that Mom died no matter how many times he tells you that is. It is not your fault Dad drinks. It is not your fault your brother is a fucking retard. It isn't not your fault that he beats on me." He says wiping my tears. "But you always step in front of me when he yells at me." I sob. I cringe at the most recent memory. JJ getting shoved through the wall. I put my hand on the healing bruise on his cheek. "Because I love you. Which is why this NEEDS to stop." He says picking up my arms. I nod more tears escaping. "Come here." He says pressing my head against his chest. "Just keep talking. About everything. I'm listening." I say rubbing her back. "Everything just hurts J. Dad hates me and I just can't breathe anymore. I can't keep anything down. I'm so tired." I sob into him. "When was the last time you ate something?" He asked scanning over me concerned. "A couple hours ago. I just threw it up." I admit. "Let's go get you something to eat." He sighs standing up and helping me up. "You can't leave me alright Y/N/N you're the only thing that's keeping my head on straight." He says hugging me as we walk. "I'm sorry." I say tears still streaming down my face. "You have nothing to apologize for. You hear me? Nothing. It's my job to keep you safe. My job to watch over you. I messed up. That is on me." JJ says wiping his face so I can't see his tears. "It's not on you J. It is not your job to take care of me. You just do it anyway because you're amazing." I say holding his hand as we walk.
-Time Skip-
"I know it isn't gourmet but it's the best I can do." He says putting a bowl of cereal in front of me. "I don't think I can eat that J..." I mumble my brain calculating all of the calories. "Ok. It's alright. Um a sandwich?" I bite my lip. "Granola bar? There's one in my bag." He says taking a chewy bar out of his backpack. I sigh and hesitantly take a bite. I can feel my stomach force it back up. I clamp my hand over my mouth. JJ gets the memo and puts the cereal bowl in front of me. I throw up the little I had eaten. "I'm sorry." I said voice cracking. I felt like a total failure. "Don't be sorry. We will try later." JJ sighed dumping the bowl in the trash before tossing it in the sink. "Stop. Stop thinking. Start talking." JJ says sitting next to me. "I feel like a failure. You're holding it together just fine and you're going through it worse than me." I say more tears coming up. "Y/N stop. You are going through it just as much as I am. You are not a failure. You're my little sister." JJ says kissing the top of my head. "Take a couple deep breaths and try again." He says motioning to the granola bar. "Can I have the bowl?" I ask knowing I would throw up again. "No. You don't need it. You're going to talk to me and breathe through it." JJ tells me gently. I groan and take a bite. My stomach turned and I put my hand over my mouth. "No. You're fine. How's Mya?" JJ asked. "She is um good. We went surfing the other day and I messed up and my heels touched the back of my head." I ramble. "That's always great. Keep in mind we don't have insurance right now so the best I can do for you is some newspaper and glue." JJ chuckles. Before I knew it I had successfully eaten the whole bar.
"You did it." He says throwing the trash on the floor. "I'm proud of you Y/N/N!" He says with a light smile. "You are?" I ask shyly. "Of course I am." I sit on his lap giving him a hug. "If you ever feel the urge to hurt yourself. Or you are struggling to eat. I need you to call me. When you get that nightmare that you can't shake come wake me up. I am here for you. I need you to stop hurting yourself because I can't handle a world that you aren't in." He says holding me tight.
