Luca (Devil's Rayne MC)

chapter 26

Peyton

It's been a week since the shooting, a week since my little boy died inside of me. A week since I wasn't able to do my job and protect him. A week since my life fell apart.

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday. Today we will hold a memorial service for baby Ryder.  Lucas parents are still here helping with the kids and I think with him too. I know he's harboring allot of guilt over the situation, I just don't have it in me to tell him it's not his fault. Even though it's true.

Laying in bed staring at the urn with my son's ashes in it on my night stand, I feel as if my whole world is crumbling. I'm not the mom my other kids deserve right now. I'm not the daughter aunt Paige and uncle ty deserve, I'm not the woman luca deserves, but I don't know how to be okay.

I have had allot of bad things happen to me in my life, this is by far the worst. I would relive the years of abuse a hundred times if it meant I got to keep my baby boy.

There is no feeling in the world like loosing a child. I never got to hold him, I never got to feed him, give him a bath, hear his laugh, see his smile, but he was... is still my son. I got to feel him kick in my womb I had him inside of me growing. I cry for the things I'll never have, and I cry for they things he never got the chance to experience.

There's a knock on the door that I ignore  still staring at the urn.

"Peyton?" I hear behind me but don't move. "Hey sweetheart,"  Lucas mom says as she sits in the chair luca had placed yesterday at my bedside. "I'm so sorry peyton. I know you're probaly tired of hearing that but it's true. You didn't deserve this pain." I don't respond I haven't responded to anything anyone has said since the day I woke up in the hospital and found out my baby was gone.

"I know it doesn't seem like it now but it's going to be okay peyton. You have a whole army at your back. We're all here for you, for luca, for the kids." I can hear the sadness in her voice. "Would you like some help getting ready? We're going to start the service soon."

I don't look over at her just shake my head 'no' I don't want help with anything I just want to be alone. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't be shutting everyone out. I know I'm still a mom to the kids who are still on this earth, but I'm ryder's mom too, but I can't be a mom to him because he's dead. It doesn't even feel real, more like a nightmare I'm just waiting to wake up from.

Lucas mom raises to her feet a kisses the top of my head. "we all love you sweetheart and we're here for whatever you need." With her parting words I hear her footstep retreat followed by the door to my room click shut, and I'm alone again.

I don't want this service anymore I don't want it to be real.... but it is.

Climbing out of bed still I wince at the pain in my back, but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I walk into my closet and grab the oufit locklynn got me for today. A plain black wrap dress that stops just below the knees, black tights and black ballett flats. "Baby?" I hear from the room.

I step out of the closet to find luca. "Hey, you look beautiful baby," He tells me as he steps towards me. I just stare back at him. "I'm so sorry, my love." I can see the tears briming in his eyes before he pulls me to his chest. Keeping my arms at my side I let him hold me for a moment before stepping back and walking into the bathroom.

I know I'm breaking his heart, but mines shattered. After putting on a little makeup to make it look like I have slept a few hours in the last week and pulling my hair up into a slick pony tail I walk back into our room. I see luca sitting on my side of the bed in a suit looking at our sons urn and talking quietly to him. "I'm so sorry baby boy, I'm sorry I didn't protect you and your mom like I should have. I'm sorry I made your mom come to the club for Thanksgiving. You'll always be my little boy Ryder Luca Masters. Daddy loves you so much. I can't wait to hold you in heaven. Gods going to try to keep my out, but I would break the gates to hold you in my arms even for a moment."