My Neighbor Enemy

17

"Ang daling maging straight noh? Lahat ng bagay sa mundo, lahat ng normalize na mga bagay, love, work, lahat tailored para sa straight people... How about us? We've existed besides straight people for millennium, its not like ngayong era lang nagkaruon ng  queer people and those who identity as others..." Sabi ko habang parehas kaming nakatitig ni jan sa night sky, andito kami dumeretso sa rooftop nila at nag latag dito ng higaan namin

"Lalo na sa love... A girl and a boy will always end up together. It's very easy for straight people to be in a relationship, kasi ang isa lang sa pinaka poproblemahin nila is kung gusto din ba sila nung other person, eh tayo iisipin din natin yan, tapos iisipin din natin kung straight ba sila or hindi, tapos iisipin agad natin kung open ba sila sa love na meron tayo, tapos, iisipin natin kung ano magiging view sa kanila ng iba if nilapitan natin sila with dating in mind, baka maka apekto pa tayo sa social image nila, tapos para sa iba iisipin pa nila kung legal ba yung ganun relasyon sa bansa nila, tapos iisipin pa natin yung religion nung other person, kung pano sila titignan ng magulang nila if nalaman na tayo yung partner... In the end instead na mag approach tayo, wag na lang" sabi ko sa kaniya at hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at nilagay ito sa dibdib niya

"I'm pretty sure for some of those things ikaw lang nag iisip ng ganun... But then again it kinda make sense, lalo na sayo kasi pano kung makaharap ka na naman ng homophobic na bully?" Sabi niya at na alala ko na naman yung mga naganap sa akin dati, i can fight with zion physical and verbally, simula bata ako, kasi i know na he'll never hurt me physically, pero back then di ko alam kung may idea ba si zion na nabubully ako dati, matalino yung nang bully sakin kasi sinasaktan lang nila ako sa parte ng katawan ko na sure silang natatakpan ng damit ko, alam ata nila na hindi ako mag susumbong at ipagsasabi sa iba yung ginawa nila sa akin... Madami nangyare sa akin nung bata ako, specially behind Zion, kaya feeling ko hindi niya alam yun... However, etong si jan ay naging saksi at savior ko the last time na nabully ako.

"The first time and the first person na pinagkatiwalaan ko... I still remember kung pano mo ko hinila palayo sa kanila that time, and sobrang galit na galit ka nun. That was the first time na I let myself get close to someone. Tsaka you were the only one who saw me attempting... You know. If it weren't for those scenarios I might've never trusted you." Sabi ko sa kaniya, i usually get so emotional about things like this, but i think I'm beginning to lose control over my emotions and I'm no longer in touch with them.

"To be honest with you... I don't think I can trust any men for your sake... I mean, I've already seen things happen to you, terrible things, because of me, besides myself. I don't quite trust zion too, I wish I could say that this is simply jealousy, but I, after simon, I can't let you just be with any men, for friends, relationship or simply someone near you" sabi niya, napatingin naman ako sa kaniya at ngumiti, at least i know that someone's looking after me even if I'm slowly abandoning myself.

"When the day comes, when all that is me is gone, please hold me, you don't have to save me, just hold me, that'll be enough" sabi ko sa kaniya at niyakap siya, at hinayaan na ang sarili kong maramdaman lahat ng pwede kong maramdaman... I am broken, not just because of having this one sided love with zion, I have been broken way before that, too young to have experienced things that no one should ever experience... I'm barely hanging. I can't say yet what those things are, but I'm glad that I trust jan, enough to tell him those things...

"Shall i sign you up with a psychiatrist?" Sabi ni jan habang nakain kami ng breakfast, tumingin naman ako sa kaniya at napahinga ng malalim

"Honestly I want to, but I'm scared. It's like all these built up traumas and emotions are what gives me my identity... And if I start treatment, I'd lose myself... I know it sounds insane, pero that's what I am" sabi ko at medyo natawa sa huling sinabi ko, baliw na kung baliw pero I really am afraid that I might not recognize my own self if I start treatment