Mixed Feelings

A Kiss To Change My Mind?

***Katie's Pov

"Umm..." I couldn't answer him. I knew if I let him stay with me then my feelings for him would get stringer and I didn't want that. But her looked so cute just standing there smiling at me, his dimples prominent in both of his cheeks.

"Okay. But I need to ask you a question alright?" I said as walked a little closer to him.

"Okay" he paused to take his shirt off. I'm guessing getting ready for bed.

"What do you want to talk about?" He said. I could barely respond. For fucks sake! Why does he have to be so muscular? I found myself scanning my eyes over his bare chest. But I stopped myself about five seconds later so I wouldn't embarrass myself.

"Umm how did Louis know?" I asked referring to how he knew about the story about me starving, cutting and being made fun of. I mean if Harry didn't know how would Louis know?

"Well... erm... while you were with Zayn explaining all of what happened to you I was listening..." He said while looking down at his feet. I can't believe he would listen to my private conversation between Zayn and me.

"So you eavesdropped on me?!?" I stated more than asked.

"What?! No I was just listening and-"

"No you eavesdropped on Zayn and I. That conversation was between me and him! What the hell Harry!?" I yelled

"-and you were going to tell me anyways so why not? Then I told Niall, Liam and Louis." He said rather casually as if nothing happened.

"Okay... But do you know about Zayn and me?"

"About how he kissed you and you kissed back then he kissed someone else at the club after he told you he liked you and you told him you like him too? Yeah" He said as if he didn't care. But then again no one cares.

"Umm... yeah." I said while getting into bed and getting comfortable. Harry just stood there. Awkwardly. I patted the bed as a signal that he could come over with me. Once he did I moved over as far away as possible from him. My plan didn't really work out. He rolled me closer to him; closer than before. My head was atop his chest along with my right arm. My left arm wrapped around his neck. I looked up to see him already looking at me.

I could tell I was blushing. My cheeks were burning up and probably redder than ever before. I smiled at him then looked down. I knew Harry was still looking at me. I could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of my head. That's when I decided to look up.

His eyes. They were so captivating. Kill me for saying this but ... Harry's eyes are probably ten times as more captivating than Zayn's. They held so much sparkle. So much... green.

I noticed he was starting to lean in. I couldn't help it; I started leaning in too. Finally our lips touched. It wasn't like the kiss Zayn and I had. That kiss was rushed by our alcohol-induced brains. But this kiss, it was sweet. It was slow. I knew he was showing me how much he cared. I smiled against his lips. He did too. I felt his tongue swipe over my bottom lip. I decided I was going to tease him so I kept my mouth clamped shut. I could tell he got mad because he kept trying. After the third time I finally let him in. He wasted no time trying to explore the inside of my mouth.

I put my palm to his toned stomach to get him to pull away but he just grabbed my wrist and moved my hand and moved it to where his heart was. I felt the lard thumping of his heart and it made me smile. I was getting uncomfortable by our position so I decided to pull away and roll over to my side of the queen size bed. To my surprise it worked.

Apparently Harry still wanted me to lay on him still so he grabbed my hips and pulled me over to him. I had my back placed firmly to his chest. I smiled to myself. This could be a start to a new good relationship.

****

"Katie... Wake up... Katie!" Someone said while shaking me. Ugh! I don't want to wake up.

Suddenly I felt someone jump on my bed.

"Ow!" I shrieked. They landed on my stomach that already hurt.

"Sorry!" Louis yelled... right into my ear.

I decided I should wake up. When I did I had 4 guys staring at me.

"What..." I said. Don't they know starings rude?

"Why was Harry in your bed?" Zayn said. There was a hint of madness in his voice mixed with sadness. What the hell happened to him?

"He said he was scared so I let him stay with me..." I said.

"Why was he shirtless?" Liam said.

"Why the hell do you care?" I snapped. "Why do you need to know my business?" I quickly added.

I guess Zayn had enough because he got up and walked out slamming my door. I guess I should've just been nicer to them but I guess it's too late.

I lost my best friend again. I keep messing things up. What the hell is wrong with me? "Everything" my brain says.

My brains right everything's wrong with me. I stood up and walked to my bathroom. I needed to do it. I needed to get my mind off of things. I needed to be numb even if it were for just a couple of hours or minutes even. I needed to get my razor. Once I practically tore up my bathroom I came to the conclusion that it wasn't there anymore. I think the boys took it. I came out into my room to find the rest of the boys gone. Good I thought. I don't want them to see what I'm about to do. I went to my desk and went inside my top drawer and find my back-up razor.

I grabbed it and took off my bracelets. I took the razor in my right hand and decided I would cut my left wrist considering my right wrist was still sore from the last time I cut.

I dug the razor into my skin and slid it across my wrist. Once the razor was off of my skin blood rushed to surface. But it wasn't enough. I cut another time; but deeper. More and more blood came up, it wouldn't stop. And of course that's the time all of the boys, including Harry, decided to come in my room.

"What are you doing?" Zayn said

"I-I- I'm sorry..." I said.

"Go get a first-aid kit!" Liam said. Daddy direction coming out.

Niall and Louis came back with a first-aid kit and a towel.

"Okay this is going to hurt ... a lot." Liam said while holding my wrist facing up so he could see the cuts. I just nodded my head. He put the alcohol on a cotton ball and scrubbed my wrist clean; until there was no more blood. I let out a shriek of pain while he did this too. Niall was holding my free hand. I felt sorry for him because each time Liam would scrub my wrist I would squeeze his hand harder and harder to try to get rid of the pain but it didn't work.

After everything I was cleaned up and lay in my bed with the other guys in my room either sitting at the foot of my bed or on the chairs that were scattered around my room.

"Why?" They asked. Again with that question. I hated it.

I look right at Zayn and said "Because I didn't want to lose my best friend." Once he heard what I said he came over to me a hugged me. He said "You'll never lose me Katie. Ever." After a few minutes of us just hugging the other guys came too.

We just laid there. Together in my bed. At least my bed was big enough

I had to stop cutting. I didnt want them to feel sorry for me. I hope I can stop.