Mixed Feelings

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~*Steph's Point of View*~

*~1 week Later*~

I wish I wasn't awake right now. There's so much pain everywhere. I hate it. I can't sit up. I can't go online. I can't do anything without having a nurse help me. I honestly wish I wasn't here right now.

The nurses came in a couple of times and asked if I wanted to see any visitor at the time. I told her no. I also told her to not tell the boys, or anyone for that matter, about my condition.

Right now, to them, I'm still in  a coma. The doctor still has tubes sticking into me, but he took me of the life support. He said if I fall asleep again, though, then he'll put it back on. I almost begged him not to, but I don't want questions to be raised. The last thing I want right now would be to enrolled in an insane asylum.

Right now I'm not doing anything really. I'm reading a book. It's called 'The Fault In Our Stars.' It's by John Green. A.K.A one of my all time favorite authors as of right now. But probably ever. The way he writes, it's just beautiful. The way he tells us the story and how it plays out. He basically tells us readers that even in the hardest point of our lives that we must smile and live and laugh and just get through it.

He shows us that even the unluckiest of people can get through any obstacle if they really try. And that's what Hazel and Gus do. They live life to the fullest even if they have 'issues'.

I truly love John Green. I it weren't for him then I would probably be trying to get out of this hospital bed or try to... ya'know... not live anymore. But thanks to him, right now, he's making me smile like a little girl on Christmas morning.

I never thought I would be able to experience the feeling of being 'happy' again. I just talk to them and not have it be weird. I need someone who's there for me, someone who wont judge me. I want a someone in my life that new exactly what I'm going through.

Is that so much to ask for? I guess.

There's absolutely no sound coming from anywhere. Its so quiet. I actually quite like it though. It's nice for it to be quite once in a while. Something I never experience with living with the boys and all.

The boys.

Oh, how much I miss them.

They were rocks. They would hold me down and tell me everything would be okay. And what do I do. I choose to not tell them I'm doing okay. No I hide from them.

But to be fair... I can't see them right now. I'm just too.... unstable for seeing them.

Their bubbly happy faces are probably covered in tears. Their usually vibrant eyes are probably dull and tired from having to stay at the hospital for so long.

I decided that I had, had enough of hiding and pushed the nurse button on the side of bed.   

"Yes?' A female nurse asked as she walked in. She has lovely blonde hair that was pulled back into a long ponytail. She was kind of pale but as pale as Niall. She was I guess a normal height. She was very skinny too.

"I would like to see my fends now. If that's not too much to ask for." I said. She nodded her head and walked out. When she came back Five minutes later the boys were with her.

When they saw me it looked like they lit up. Their posture got better, their smiles returned to their faces, and for once I saw hope in their eyes. As of they knew I could over come anything now.

"Hey" I said in a shaky voice. No I wasn't going to cry. I was just so happy to see them. Who knows when I'll see them next.

"...Hi." They all mumbled. We just sat there in the hospital room. Staring at each other. I guess we just didn't know what to do.

Just like life. Nothing is set in stone. You choose to do something everyday of your life. I guess right now i just have to get over the fact that my life is shitty. For these 5 boys sitting in front of me.

Who knows what will happen. I guess I'm just going to take it one step at a time and find out where if stand. It could be 6 ft. underground or it could be with a wonderful husband and kids.  I have no idea yet.

But I know one things for sure. I made it this far, I sure as hell can make it further.

~* Okay i updated.

This might be the end. I have no idea. Sorry for such shitty writing. I've been down in the dumps lately so sorry.

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~* Bye.