Owen Changes His Mind

16. Krow's Question 1/2

Tw: more intense suicidal thoughts
Please take care of yourself. It's okay to skip this one.

Owen woke to the sound of voices getting nearer. He jolted awake and took a quick inventory of his cell and belongings.

"Ugh, what is that smell?" Krow asked as Owen found the backpack.

"Oh, that," Guts said as Owen pulled the backpack on. (Not like it would protect him, or he could protect it.) "I gave him apples and he decided to throw them around- have a food fight with himself. Then he left them to ferment. Didn't even pile them in a corner or anything. So I left them too."

"Guts, that's disgusting," Ayngel grimaced as Owen grabbed Buddy, his wine bottle. "You're the warden. Surely you can do something about that."

"Yeah, I guess I really should, huh. But let's be honest. I don't want to be in the same room with him," Guts admitted. Owen sat sideways on the bed, backpack on, and tucked Buddy close against his body. He held it there with one arm. At least he could protect this one thing. It felt good to protect something. "Krow, you were there last time I went in. He tried to attack me."

"Yeah," Krow trailed off, arriving at the window. Owen looked up blearily and met its gaze. As the two locked eyes, Owen did his best not to show any emotion. Krow squinted, then raised its eyebrows. "He doesn't look much better than last time. Are you sure he said that, Ayngel?"

"It was pretty loud and clear, Krow," Ayngel said. "I'm not sure what he thought I wanted, but he seemed genuine to me. Maybe he thought - maybe he was lying." Owen slowly looked across to Ayngel, who looked nervous and fidgety.

Then he looked towards Guts, who looked upset but was trying to hide it with a flippant tone. "He does seem the type to manipulate, doesn't he," they noted, leaning in. "Don't let it happen to you. Don't get drawn in." Owen hugged Buddy to his side with his elbow.

Owen cleared the sleep from his throat. "What do you want?" He asked the three plainly.

Krow leaned in. "Did you really tell Ayngel that you're retired?" Krow asked. It chortled, then clarified, "Did you tell her to get lost?" it giggled.

Owen hesitated. "I.."

"Go ahead," Ayngel prompted, looking at Owen and nodding towards Guts and Krow. "Tell them what you said to me."

"Uh..." Owen looked between the three again, feeling trapped. He was sure it was starting to show on his face. Don't hold your breath, he reminded himself. Steady. Aim- no! No, he wasn't a hunter anymore. No, no, no. Owen looked away from Krow. "I'm retired," he breathed. Why? Magic's voice gently prompted him. "Because demons deserve-" Owen stopped because he didn't know what demons deserved. He only knew they didn't deserve him.

Guts laughed, then got serious. "That was a pretty poor performance, Owen. Are you hiding something?" Owen's arm holding Buddy seized up. It was stupid. Why did he care so much about the stupid wine? It wasn't even a real person. It was just a bottle of apple wine. "You are, aren't you?" Guts said, and Owen felt hot. He broke out in a sweat. "What do you have?" Guts turned to Ayngel. "What did you give him!?"

"Nothing, I swear!"

Guts started to open the cell and Owen jumped off the bed, leaped into the corner furthest from the door, and cradled Buddy in one arm. "It's just wine!" he barked, "you gave it to me Guts! It's just wine!" Please don't take it, he didn't say. This bottle is my only friend in the world, he didn't say. Guts paused in the threshold, looking him over. Owen held one hand up in front of him, unsure if the gesture was one of peace or a promise of violence should Guts push further in. He clutched at Buddy with the other hand. "It's just a wine bottle," he said into the silence.

Krow made a noncommittal sound. Ayngel was silent.

Guts squinted at Owen. "You're acting very suspicious," they accused.

"I've been in prison," Owen tried to explain. He tried to sound reasonable. "I've been manipulated and tortured and starved." He fell silent when he realized he'd been manipulated by Ayngel, tortured by Krow, and starved by Guts. Owen's expression fell, then went blank. After a moment of silence, he added, "I guess it doesn't matter. You'll take everything you can from me. You probably gave it to me just to take it away again, huh." Owen tried to loosen his grip on Buddy. He tried to offer the wine bottle to Guts, who was frozen in the doorway of the cell, but he couldn't. Owen's arm wouldn't unstick. He couldn't give it to them. It was all his happy memories of the past, in the maze, before his memories. It was protecting Rasbi. It was running with Apo. It was standing on a gate, trying to protect them instead of hunting them. Owen didn't want to die. But he really didn't want Guts to take the only reason he had left to live. "Just kill me," Owen said to Guts. "Please."

Unnerved, Guts took a step back through the cell door, closed it, and locked it back. They began to laugh. "Who knew you'd be so protective of Apo wine," they sneered.

Owen bowed his head, but his arm still clutched the bottle.

Krow's scoff broke the silence. "You're kidding me, right!?"

Ayngel put a hand on Krow's shoulder. "Come on. Let's go."

After they left, Owen collapsed on the bed, curled around Buddy, and cried. "I hate you," he said to Buddy, "for making me weak." But he clutched Buddy to his core and didn't let go.