I'm here (English Version)

I stayed here

"Good morning Hailey!" . His deep voice boomed loudly in the hall as soon as I crossed the threshold of the station, so loud that they all turned to me. Fuck you Alan for not letting me go unnoticed, thank you so much. I want to throttle him but I smile at him. Alan's voice, deep and warm, is always reassuring. I would listen to him for hours even if he simply read the shopping list. To think that at one time I used to dread even the idea of answering his phone from thousands of miles away. I had avoided him for so long, I was terribly afraid of getting in the police crosshairs. Not so much for me but for the fact that they might get to Jake. I was afraid for him, certainly not for me.
He hasn't changed much since then. His life has but he hasn't. If I stayed here it was his fault in a way. After Hannah was found I came here to make my statement. I had to. I found myself living it all over again from the beginning. Contacted by Thomas to whom Hannah sent my number. I think I have told this story dozens of times. I never clarified this with her, and to this day I still have no idea why I got into this. I stopped asking myself for a long time. Alan proposed that I stay. Yes, to stay forever. He offered me a place in the academy because in his opinion I had a natural aptitude for investigation and it was a shame that such insight went to waste. I wouldn't have called it that but anyway.... I had dismissed myself with a simple email as I rushed here, just trying to get there to hear from him . News that did not come the first few days nor later. Nor ever. I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together, the life I had before had been swept away, I wasn't what I used to be. In the end why not. Why not stay. I hadn't actually stayed for the career. Or for the police. Or for Alan. I had stayed for him. I hoped that one way or another he would keep his promise.

I'll see you in Duskwood.

I had really believed that he would respect this. After all, he had said he loved me.
Whether he was alive or dead didn't matter. He had to keep that promise. I had kept it and here I was. At least a farewell video could have been planned; after all, he had done it even when he had disappeared. I looked for clues everywhere. I could have at least seen his face. Hear his voice. Instead, nothing. He was declared dead exactly like Richy despite finding no remains that led with certainty to two different people. He was accused of everything, of Amy's murder, of Hannah's kidnapping, of the mine fire, and Richy became the innocent victim in the scheme of a dangerous criminal wanted by the government. He was declared dead but I never had a chance to grieve. Not even a grave to mourn over. Nothing at all. The truth about what happened we knew and Alan knew. But just as he had covered up for Michael at the time by allowing him to make a life for himself far away, and of that I am certain even though he never confirmed it, so he cleansed Richy's reputation in the eyes of his parents and the community, and it was right. He did it because I asked him to. Just like that, simply. I hoped this would help him. Nobody tries to catch a dead person.
I stayed with the hope of seeing him suddenly appear, we had given him back the freedom he deserved, I stayed with the hope of having that promised dinner at the Chinese restaurant, I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because he loved me. Within a short time he had stolen my heart and I his. I had seen him go from a lonely, grumpy boy with no trust in anyone to a boy who had trusted someone for the first time. He had trusted me. He had changed his worldview because of me. And I had done nothing but be myself. I no longer loved anyone the way I loved him. Yes I know, it's pathetic. I am pathetic in this sort of poignant modern-day Romeo and Juliet story . I have had other affairs, few in fact and all of very short duration if not a few nights. Only Phil has managed to stick by me. In my own way I love him deeply and he loves me. We are together but we are not. There is no compulsion, no duty, no commitment. We are there because we want to be and when we want to be. People keep asking us when we are getting married. We look at each other and laugh answering in unison "also never." Yes, I love Phil. But the love, the love I felt for him, for Jake, that was different. Not more and not less but different. He had died to protect me. It should have been me in his place. And I have nightmares. Of that mine on fire, of that damn mask, of myself crying on the floor until I'm breathless. Part of me will always love him. Part of me will always wonder what it would have been like if we could have lived there. If we could have loved each other.

"thank you Alan, good morning!"-I exclaimed in the most normal and cheerful voice I could muster as I grabbed the cup of coffee he handed me.
He looked at me raising an eyebrow questioningly and I pretended not to notice.
"No cake today? I really have to complain to your wife, you don't spoil me like you used to." . He burst into a hearty laugh bringing his hands to his belly. "You'll have to go get it yourself if you want it, I've got ballast to lose or else she'll leave me for someone younger and more dashing than me." The belly in question was barely noticeable, probably drinking two beers would have made it bigger myself but Alan cared about fitness and her. Funny how those events changed our lives. Probably two like them would never have spoken to each other either.

"You bet I will, I'll eat your slice too," I replied, smiling at him. I closed the office door behind me without giving him time to reply and sat down at my desk, resting my cup still steaming. The computer monitor was already on, stopped on the login page, waiting for my password. I took my phone out of my pocket and unlocked it by opening the messages. Opening that message. One message and not a single word. My hands began to shake imperceptibly again. At work I could keep calm but at home I completely lost control. The illuminated screen showed the contents.

:)

I closed it again. It was a joke and it was really in bad taste. I had received several over the years but that one topped them all. Screw it. I let go of even knowing who he was. I was done wasting my time with these things. I entered the password and started to deal with some backlog of paperwork.