I'm here (English Version)

Work things out

I was locked in a loop where people were just asking me what happened and I didn't know where to start each time. They saw that I hesitated but they didn't know why so Thomas started talking before I did.
"- Hailey do you remember when we were here? When I escaped into the woods after trying to look in Hannah's phone and in doing so I blocked it, got caught and ran away? Do you remember how desperate I was and how my own thoughts were killing me? You pulled me out of the darkness inside. You made me talk. You couldn't do anything physically, you weren't even here, but you did the most important thing of all. You listened to me. I'm here to reciprocate but if you don't talk to me I can't do it -"
So I began to tell them the truth as well....
As I spoke I saw their faces transform and go through various moods. There was disbelief, amazement, anger and even sadness. Thomas kept pacing back and forth. I could hear him repeating under his breath "it's not possible" as a kind of mantra, and Jessy was silently twisting her hands sitting in the small chair. I was telling it for the second time but unlike the first time it didn't hurt. Why wasn't I feeling the same feelings? Had I really thrown up a wall? Or did it depend on the fact that they were not Phil?

It was she who broke the silence that was created as soon as I had finished. She was not the usual overwhelming Jessy. She was a serious and mature Jessy. When had she become like this? With me lately she was always cheerful and seemingly carefree.
"- I think you should listen to him. - Was she really telling me this? - I think he owes you an explanation anyway, and as painful as it is, you have a right to have it, in fact you need to have it even if you feel like you don't now. I have not been able to confront Richy and I will never be able to confront him again. I'd give gold to be able to do that Hailey, that's my greatest pain and you know it -oh Jessy my friend, how much you had held it in so you wouldn't burden me with your pain as well as mine-but you, you now have the chance, don't waste it. He was the love of your life. Maybe he still is- tempted-  but you can't know if you cut him out. And there's one more thing. Lilly. Lilly should know that too. He is her brother. They have a right to be happy at least the two of them. And Hannah, too. You should get him to tell her. Maybe not right away. Settle the unresolved things between you first. But you can't keep living so suspended Hailey. You will destroy yourself. You are already doing that- " . I was struck by his words. I was struck by the fact that he did not mention his brother and his relationship with me. She seemed to have done it deliberately. For her to push me into Jake's arms meant going against Phil. And she adored her brother.
"-  Hailey is right she is and you know it. Hannah and I didn't confront each other when it was time to confront each other. We didn't confront things when it was time, we left them unresolved, and look how we annihilated ourselves. You suffered his death so much and you dealt with everything. But now that he is alive and you can get to know him you push him away. I understand the anger Hailey but it's not just that. What exactly are you afraid of? Of dealing with the past? Or does it have to do with the present Hailey? Does it have to do with Phil? - I saw Jessy wringing her hands - Only you can know that -"
Yeah. Was I afraid? But of what? Of being happy? And what was my happiness? Did I want to be the perfect person who makes the right choice without wronging anyone? There is no such person. If you are not wronging someone in such a situation, you are probably wronging yourself. They didn't deserve it but neither did I. I pretty much lost them both anyway. But they were right. They, my friends, were right and I was wrong. I had a few more days before he left again. I would never see him again, and I would remain like that. Suspended. I had lost them both. Nothing would ever be the same again.
But we had rights. Jake had a right to explain himself, to tell his truth. I had a right to know. What about Phil? I didn't. He said he was happy where I wanted him. Maybe he got tired of looking out for me. We're not even a couple; he doesn't owe me anything. In fact, maybe it's even good for him to get rid of someone like me. Maybe he's even relieved.... I picked up the phone, opened the message, the one with the little fucking face that had destabilized me a few mornings ago. I knew it was him anyway. He was going to have to explain that to me, too.

"We need to talk. You don't need me to tell you where I am. Use your skills and get your ass over here. Don't expect a welcoming committee."

Yes, I wrote exactly that. A cold, rancorous but firm message. Thomas was right, no more unspoken things. No more secrets or half-truths. I had to know, it was not fair to anyone to pretend that nothing had ever happened in our lives. They decided to leave immediately, reassured that at least I had eaten. It made no sense for them to stay since they were certain that he would answer the message and rush there. They were worried yes, but they felt they should leave us alone.

"- Call us if you need anything Hailey I mean it. Anytime. And you - Jessy pointed her finger at Cerberus- see that you protect her - ". It made me smile when she pointed that damn finger when she had to say something and emphasize it.
Protect me. Who was going to protect others from me?
I didn't even know if he would come. At this point, after telling him to die, I really didn't know what to expect.

"No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated to telling only lies"

Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit