I'm here (English Version)

Only once

------------------ Jake's/ Jay's pov ----------------

I'm Sorry that I Hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put tour through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

                          The Reason- Hoobastank

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I promised her that I would save them both, and I couldn't. Fortunately, my sister found her Alan Bloomgate while Richy did. I promised her that I would not get caught and that they would never be able to separate me from her and instead I failed to do that either. They took me out of one of the mine exits, one of the ones not marked on the maps. They had FBI uniforms but unfortunately for me they were not. What I went through, the physical and psychological torture, I would not wish on my worst enemy. But it mattered little. They were trying to bend me over while I was only thinking about how to escape from there. But they succeeded when they showed me her pictures, bending me I mean. They had already threatened her, that time when they had managed to get around Nymos and were about to find out where she was. Now that I could no longer hide her, that I could no longer protect her, they really knew where she was. They would show me pictures and they were recent pictures every time. Normal photos, of everyday life, she was practically guarded. They told me in detail and sadistically everything they would subject her to if I refused to work for them. I had promised to protect her and had promised myself at the cost of my own life. And so I bent. She was a ray of sunshine in my miserable life. A father who had abandoned me before he even knew me, sisters who did not know I existed. I had had to push Hannah away because I hadn't had the courage to tell her the truth, and instead she was becoming too attached to me. Not like a sister. I wanted to tell her but I didn't want to hurt her, so I preferred to disappear. Until the day she contacted me asking for help. I saw her disappear, kidnapped on video call. That was how it all began. My mother died young and I was left completely alone. I liked computers and I was good at it, I'm good at it, but I raised the bar of challenges with myself because I was a kid, I didn't realize at the time the risks I was taking and so I messed up. I stumbled into the wrong people and the wrong data. I did my duty by trying to remain anonymous and instead everyone was after me, good guys and bad guys. I no longer trusted anyone and spent years on the run. No landmarks, no human relationships, no friends, no nothing, but she had made me trust the world again. She had made me want to stop running, had warmed my heart.

I had been as lonely as a stray for a long time, and it had been just as long since I had told anyone my real name. But with her it was different, she had made no effort to enter my heart despite the fact that I tried hard to fight these feelings I felt growing. I was fascinated and afraid at the same time. I was going to put my life in her hands. All I could think of was her during my escape after the video. I could think of nothing but her during my captivity. Just the thought of knowing she was safe kept me alive and kept me from going crazy. Then Amanda came along. Amanda saved me from a real hell. She also used me in her own way, I am aware of that, I am not a fool. But she brought me back to life, I owe her so much. She took care of me when I was unable to take care of myself, protected me, healed my physical wounds one by one, and soothed those of the soul. She restored my sense of human warmth, of physical contact, the pleasure of a hot coffee and the power of a hug when you wake up at night in terror. I wouldn't let anyone near me except her. I love her very much. Plus if her plan worked I would be free. Free to run to her, free to love her. Free at last to love each other. I would have looked into her eyes and kissed her just as she dreamed. How many nights I fell asleep with that thought. I knew it was wrong, that it was dangerous, but after all, who can fight feelings? I would have taken her to eat at the Chinese restaurant, I promised her. But by the time we managed to catch those people, by the time I could be free, it was late. Too much time had passed. Too many years had passed. I didn't want to disrupt her life as I had already done. I didn't want her to be sick again. I argued heavily with Amanda about this over the years. She argued that she deserved to know and that anyway we both had a right to have a chance to love each other, or to find out that no, maybe it was just a flash in the pan. But who could know? And he was of the opinion that I was wrong.
Never mind, for me the right thing to do was what I did and end of discussion. I read that I was given up for dead, who knows how much she suffered. I didn't care that I was accused of everything, like a real criminal, she knew the truth and she was the only one who mattered. In the end I stayed with the FBI because that was all I had left, I tried to rebuild my life, but I thought about her all the time. Who knows how she was, who knows how she had turned out, maybe she had gotten married. She should have, it was not right for her to live alone for a dead man. I forced myself not to spy on her anymore because it was not fair to her or to me. But when I heard that someone was going to be sent to get that computer that had been found only because of her and her intuition, I could not resist. The story with her face was all over the news. This was going to be my only chance to see her in person and up close. Yes I know it's masochistic but I was going to make it happen. And I would have tried to move on because in the end I still couldn't, not completely, like those griefs you can't process. I dated other people of course, but the thought always came back to her. Her image even haunts me in my dreams, in fact they are not dreams but nightmares. So I went there. To Duskwood. I promised her that I would see her there. She would never know but I would, I would keep my word.