I'm here (English Version)

Clarification

Instead he came. I could tell by Cerberus's grumbling that there was someone outside the door. I had left the kind of fireplace stove that stood in the center of the room on. I had turned off the lights but the room was still brightly lit. If he had not come I would have made up my mind to sleep. I hadn't even locked the door. To hell with that, who would come to nowhere in the middle of the woods?

"- Come in. I know you're out there Jay - "

I purposely called him that, avoiding using his real name. Don't call me that, he had said. I didn't want him to think I didn't want to be separated from him anymore. Which wasn't really a lie, Little Hailey didn't want to let him go away ever again. Little Hailey wanted him to be with her forever, to kiss her, to make love all night long. But then there was the Hailey of the present, she was angry, hurt and just wanted to hear her truth. Nothing more. He opened the door, went inside, closed it, and stood there without saying a word. With her head down. Maybe he expected me to start yelling at him again like I had done in that hotel room.

"- You can sit down, I won't make you eat if that's what you fear -".

I was so calm and firm that even the son of the devil stopped growling at the mere wave of my hand. I had decided that I had cried enough and would not allow it anymore. Screaming meant losing control and losing control meant letting emotions win and crying.
He sat across from me in the chair I had prepared and pointed out to him. I was two steps away from him, leaning forward, had he reached out a hand he could have touched me, but mindful of how I had cold-cocked him the previous time he dared not make any nod. I looked into his eyes, in the glow of the stove. I scrutinized him calmly and unhurriedly. And he stayed like that, silent, letting me do my thing, letting me take my time. He was handsome. He had beautiful, delicate features. The thing that stood out the most were the big blue eyes, with really long lashes. The thin nose. The well-delineated jawline. The wavy, thick hair, the kind of hair that you imagine soft and makes you want to stick your hand in it to dishevel it. The embarrassment he felt at being observed this way made him barely smile, but it was enough for a pretty dimple to form on his left side. I had imagined him different. In my dreams, in my nightmares he was different every time. Now that I looked at him properly, with the calmness I had imposed on myself, now that I knew who he was, I saw all his resemblance to Hannah. He could have lied all he wanted Mr. Donfort. He was the son, and he could see it with his eyes closed. Who knows how Lilly would have reacted if she had known who he was.

He did not speak. It was almost as if he didn't dare to breathe.
So I began. And incredibly, coldly and inexplicably I came up with an apology.

"- Sorry for my tantrum. I apologize. It was very unfair of me. I didn't even let you talk but tonight I want to make it up to you, I want to listen to you. Because I deserve it after all these years and because you are entitled to it too after all these years.-"

She looked at me, arching an eyebrow. Where was the real Hailey, was she the one he had seen yesterday and kissed him in tears? The one who had screamed all her anger at him? Or the one who was now talking to him calmly and icy sitting in an armchair? I know she was wondering. But I was actually making a real effort not to get carried away by emotions yet. Emotions make people suffer. Not right away maybe. I thought if I could keep myself from getting involved I would be able to keep myself from suffering.

"-I don't know where to start Hailey- " he said in a tired voice. I could tell the whole situation had taken a toll on him. Well, I wasn't the only one who had been hurt I thought in a fit of satisfaction.

"-Start with you. Who are you really?  Isn't that funny? I don't know anything about you. Except that you are Hannah and Lilly's brother. And that you were wanted by the government. Only, now the government is you-" I gave a wry smile as I got up to get a drink. What the hell, I needed alcohol. I knew they were there because I had had time to look around. There was an entire cabinet dedicated to it. I took two glasses and poured two Jack Daniels into them. - Here's to you Dan!-I thought. I didn't have to drive anyway.

I didn't ask him anything; I didn't even know if he was drinking and what. I put the glass in his hand and settled back into the chair. I pulled my legs to my chest and tucked them under the thick black sweater a few sizes larger that I had been wearing. That sweater made me feel protected. A sort of Linus blanket.

" -One thing I ask of you, Jay. Don't lie. Don't omit anything. We know what unspoken truths lead to. You should have learned this -"

He nodded his head. "-I won't, I won't lie to you Hailey-"

He took a big breath. I wonder if his heart was exploding as much as it was exploding in me.
He began to tell me about his childhood, his mother's sacrifices when she was abandoned pregnant, told me about the illness and how it had left him very young and completely alone. It was a sad story but he was not telling it to be pitied. He was reliving it because I had asked him to. He told me how he had discovered who his father was, an old picture in a drawer that his mother had failed to throw away. The research on that man and the discovery that he had two sisters. He told me about Hannah, how he had contacted her pretending to be casual through a literature forum and how he then pushed her away without ever telling her the truth. Could I blame her for falling in love with him? Certainly not. She didn't know who he was any more than I did. And he was like that. Mysterious, shy and charming at the same time. I was unfair to her too, I realize only now. Sooner or later maybe I would make up my mind to face her and apologize. He told me about his passion for computers and how it had gotten him into trouble. He was just a kid and when he came across those files he had tried to do the right thing, not having the faintest idea what he was up against. He told me what had happened outside the mine when it all burned down and he was convinced he had made it but instead he was caught. That was why he had not come back to me, now I knew. He told me about the things the people who caught him made him do. He told me who they were. Or rather what kind of people they were. They used his skills for their activities and they were really bad people. I still remembered the fear I had felt when two of them in hoods had threatened me by going around Nymos, breaking into my phone and trying to access my camera. But he had protected me once again. He had returned from his escape to protect me.
"- Why didn't you refuse to work for them? Don't evade my question. Did they hurt you?"

I reached over and ran my fingers over the scar under his eye but stopped immediately. I was getting emotional again, which was not good at all. The thought that he had been subjected to a lot of physical abuse hurt. I hid under the sweater again. This time also my hands in the long sleeves.

"- Also. But that I also would have endured. I would rather have been killed than cooperate with them. But they would never have done that. You asked me if I know what it feels like to want to die Hailey. Yes, I do, but they wouldn't have even allowed me to do that, I was being monitored day and night. And anyway, I couldn't have done it even by wishing-."

How terrible and mean had I been to yell those things at him? I really was a bad person.

"-Go ahead. Why did you bend over? Why didn't you try to run away? Why didn't you try to contact me?- "

I could see that he was trying not to answer me. I got up and refilled my glass. I saw his gaze and blocked it decisively.

"- Look, if you're going to lecture me about drinking I warn you that this is nothing and I don't need nannies -"

"- Actually...I wanted to tell you that my glass is also empty.-"
And he smiled as that embarrassed boy I remembered knowing would smile.